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Frak, Marry, Kill: Doctor Who edition

Contributed by
Jan 19, 2018

Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.

I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a post about The Good Place! For everyone else, game on!

As three of Team Fangrrls' most resident SuperWhovians, we have put a lot of thought into every element of the show, from characters to storylines to our beloved Doctors. But this might be the first time we've spent a lot of time imagining the mechanics of sex with a Dalek, or if a marriage to a Weeping Angel would be worth all the free travel. But there's a first time for everything, I suppose.


Round 1: The Companions Who Loved Him (Rose, Martha, Sarah Jane)

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Heather: This one is so tough for me.

Courtney: LOOK. I'm going to be honest off the bat. I'm gonna kill Rose.

Heather: WHAT?

Riley: Yeah.. me too. Sorry.

Heather: I’m killing Martha but I feel terrible about it

Courtney: Rose is FINE. But I REFUSE to believe he was into her-into her. NO. Nuh-huh. And that has colored the whole character for me.

Heather: I am in shock.

Riley: Oh, I totally buy that part of it.

Courtney: Earlier in the season he was ready to drop her like a busted Dalek for Madame de Pompadour!

Riley: I like Rose, I do, and I know a specific group of fanficcers who will HATE me for this. But I feel like she got all she needed and then kind of had a cheated "death" where we were told all season she was gonna die and then it was like "Nah she gets to go to the zeppelin world.”

Courtney: Yes, I was fully fine with the way her story ended UNTIL THEY UNENDED IT. I would keep Rose around if she'd just stayed in her dimension. I do respect that they fixed her mascara situation upon her return. Other than that, NO. NO BONUS DOCTOR FOR YOU.

Heather: I love all three of them. But I didn’t have the heart to kill Sarah Jane.

Riley: Yeah, I cannot kill Sarah Jane. It would make me way too sad. And if "Bad Wolf" Rose was in contention here I'd be a bit more challenged.

Heather: Oh fair point.

Courtney: ANYWAY. Martha can get it.

Riley: I agree with Courtney that Martha can, in fact, get it. Plus we know from Sense8 that Freema Agyeman knows her way around a trans girl.

Heather: ‘Cause she is totes hot. I GET IT. But personally I’m sticking with frakking Rose. On the beach.

Courtney: Well you're gonna get mascara flakes on your face and sand in your bits so good luck.

Heather: I will take the risk for Rose but thanks for the good luck sent.

Courtney:  And obvs marry Sarah Jane. Sniffle.

Heather: Yes for sure.

Riley: We all agree we'd hold onto Sarah Jane and never let her go.


ROUND 2: The Companions Who Were Just Friends (Donna, Bill, Amy)

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Heather: OK I know Donna is A LOT but I’d marry her. So we can be life partners.

Riley: I cannot believe I am about to say this, but I'd kill Donna.

Heather: Listen, I get she has an intense personality.

Riley: No, listen, even I'm shocked because she's one of my, if not my most favorite modern companion.

Heather: She is very loud. I just want to marry my best friend Donna.

Courtney Enlow: Like Donna IS a lot. Runaway Bride Donna, I mean, I would have just handed her to the Racnoss. But then she gets better. And DOCTORDONNA? Come on.

Riley: But her ending is the SADDEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED ON THIS SHOW. And I just couldn't be with someone who made me that sad all the time, even if her grandpa is the most perfect cinnamon roll in the universe.

Heather: But she’s good at charades.

Courtney: I'm clearly frakking Amy. Amy knows what she's doing.

Riley: Oh yeah, I am with you on that. I want to see if she really smells like petrichor.

Heather: I think I’m gonna kill Amy. Again, I don’t really WANT to. But I think I would enjoy my time with Bill more than Amy.

Courtney: God, I think I have to kill Donna. And marry Bill. BECAUSE I WILL NOT BURY MY GAY.

Riley: Yeah, I'm marrying Bill and she's gonna turn me into a puddle too and we're gonna be space wives. I want that Bill smile and laugh in my life forever.

Courtney: Bill and I will travel the universe made of gay space tears and be HAPPY.

Riley: Bill is on her way to a jolly smacked bottom.

Courtney: And she makes good chips. I love chips!

Heather: OK making good chips is a solid point.

Riley: And she knows her way around a rug, just saying.

Heather: Can I attend your space weddings to Bill? I’ll bring my wife Donna.

Courtney: So yeah, frak Amy. Rory can watch. He'll just sit there sad and understanding in his little soldier outfit.

Riley: That's the saddest image.

Heather: That’s sexy

Courtney: SadSexy. That's what I'm into.

Heather: It’s a whole genre. Rory would be real sad when I kill Amy I guess. SadSexy.

Courtney: He'll just sit there waiting then too. Rory is mostly seated and waiting. SeatedSadSexy.

Heather: That’s a new JT album title if I’ve ever heard one.


ROUND 3: Villains (Daleks, Cybermen, Weeping Angels)

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Courtney: OK, all around, we need to address logistics.

Heather: YES. That’s the main issue here.

Riley: Yeah, because, like, OK, Weeping Angels, right away I see the flaw.

Heather: If I marry the weeping angels can they just be in a corner? Forever?

Riley: Like they're just a statue in your house?

Heather: Yes. In another room that’s our marriage agreement.

Courtney: The last thing I need is a Weeping Angel following me into the bathroom. NOT AGAIN, DEAR.

Riley: And when you bring over extramarital lovers one of you has to keep an eye on the Angel at all times?

Courtney: Now Daleks have implements. They honestly seem like the most practical choice, frakwise.

Heather: The Daleks would be the most useful around the house actually, so I think I’ll marry them. Attach a broom and I’ve got my own Roomba.

Riley: And doing the nasty with an Angel would be super complicated right? ‘Cause either they're just a stone slab or they send you back in time before you finish.

Courtney: Right. You're left wanting AND it's prairie times.

Heather: But think of all of the places you could see. I like to travel.

Courtney: I mean the most effective form of immersive traveling is just to be dropped there I guess.

Riley: True, but also I'm so queer, so the past doesn't really do it for me. I could travel with my Dalek spouse and see the universe before they destroy it. But then again, the Dalek feels like it'd be the best lay, like there's something about that raw passion that feels like it could be good. Plus, Daleks come with attachments.

Courtney: Yeah I'm frakking a Dalek. For the implements.

Heather: I am marrying a Dalek and we will rule the world. I don’t know how it would work but I’ll frak a Cyberman.

Riley: I'm marrying the Dalek, killing the Angel, frakking the Cyberman, but like, old school Cyberman from Tenth Planet that still has their hands. I mean it wouldn't be the first time I hoOKed up with someone who was emotionally dead inside.

Heather: I’m with Riley’s choices. The angel is too complicated to keep around even with the free travel.

Courtney: Like I DIDN'T EVEN BRING MY TOOTHBRUSH, ANGEL.

Heather: It would feel like we couldn’t settle down and start a family, but with a Dalek I see a real future.

Courtney: I'm marrying my sad, weepy Cyberspouse and frakking a Dalek. RIBBED FOR MY PLEASURE.


ROUND 4: Modern Doctors (Eccleston, Tennant, Smith, Capaldi - and with four modern Doctors at our disposal, we've added a fourth category: frak, marry, kill, BFF) 

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Riley: OK, I'm just gonna say it, I'm killing Tennant.

Heather: There’s no way I’m not marrying Tennant if given the option. He’s so sweet and that spikey hair always gets me. Also v into brown suits.

Riley: I can't believe how much my loyalties flipped on this show in the last few years but wow, this is the easiest one for me by far. Frak Smith, marry Capaldi, BFF Eccleston, because I just want to hang out with someone who gets that big goofy grin, and kill Tennant.

Heather: I also BFF Eccleston. I like the mystery of Eccleston. I want no explanations ever. But I’m killing Capaldi SORRY.

Riley: Noooooo!

Heather: I know but I wanna frak Smith. Bowties do it for me.

Courtney: Kill Eccles. Sorry, boo. Ya gotta go. Frak Tennant, marry Smith, BFF Capaldi.

Riley: I feel like killing Tennant is the best choice because he refuses to die anyway, so you just do the deed and he comes back like 20 years later after finishing his business. And leaves little clones of himself across the multiverse too.

Courtney: Yeah apparently he's just HANDING OUT other versions of himself like club flyers.

Heather: I can’t even fake kill Tennant.

Courtney: I wanted to BFF Smith but then I thought you know Capaldi's level of judginess is what I like in a friend but loathe in a partner. Whereas aloofness, I'm kinda fine with. Gives me time to read or something.

Riley: I just think Capaldi is real husband material, I mean he even wears his real life wedding ring and they had to build a prop one over it because he refused to take it off. And you want someone who goes through all that effort to get a restaurant built and makes a reservation and brings you gifts and spends a 24 year night with you.

Heather: I did not know that Capaldi wedding ring story, aw. I’m still killing him but I won’t enjoy it.

Riley: Doctor Capaldi is a bit crankier, but he softens up by the end. The only real concern with him is he does get REAL obsessive with Clara.

Courtney: I don't like dating musicians though. They're always playing around the house, like, DUDE I'M TRYING TO WATCH A MOVIE HERE. AND TAKE YOUR SUNGLASSES OFF WE'RE INSIDE.

Heather: But also a constant source of entertainment. Everything sounds better with background strumming.

Riley: But yeah, Smith would be a good frak because he's got a lot of energy to be harnessed and he gives so many speeches that I feel like his tongue is super limber.

Heather: Smith would 100-percent be the best frak of the bunch.

Courtney: I feel like DT beats him in intensity though.

Heather: Long term DT is DTF.

Riley: I disagree, I think Tennant is intense more than Smith, but I think when Smith gets intense he gets WAY MORE intense.

Courtney: I just feel like Smith would get distracted during whereas Tennant would probably hold his focus a bit more. Also he has a good grunt. I'm pro his grunt.

Riley: Yeah but Tennant would bring out some toy that doesn't actually really do anything and just has a lot of wires that get caught on stuff.

Heather: I like the initiative even if the toy doesn’t work

Courtney: You'd get smacked in the face by whatever hat Smith was wearing

Riley: Stetsons are cool, Courtney. I'd take that hat off him and put it on me, we'd be fine. Plus, not gonna lie, Jessica Jones really ruined that version of Tennant for me.

Courtney: I luckily saw Secret Smile right around his Who time so I was well versed in evil DT. And, gotta say, into it.

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Heather: Yeah I think what’s scary about DT in Jessica Jones is how much I still dig it even though I know it’s so wrong

Riley: If we were talking about Broadchurch DT with his natural accent and that scruff, and Capaldi wasn't in the picture, I'd be less inclined to just kill him

Courtney: GOD I LOVE SCRUFF. 

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Within reason I guess.

Heather: So when they regenerate do they forget all of the, ahem, skills they learned in the past?

Courtney: I mean River seemed OK with it.

Heather: 

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Riley: I’m too gay for this to work for me, ladies.

Courtney: We'll do this again in the Jodie times.

Riley: Frak Jodie, Marry Jodie, Kill all who are not Jodie.


FINAL ROUND! Since we added a category in the last round, we're taking one away for this ultimate sexy death match. Jack Harkness and River Song: Frak or Kill.

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Riley: Kill Jack, frak River.

Courtney: Kill Jack, frak River.

Heather: Kill Jack, frak River.

Courtney: Wow, that was way easier than I thought. 

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