Frak, Marry, Kill: The Expanse Edition

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May 2, 2017, 3:45 PM EDT (Updated)

Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have minimal sense of humor, click here. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.

I’m assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's some Batgirl cosplay for you to check out. For everyone else, game on!

Season 2 of The Expanse has begun, so naturally it's time for one of our favorite games: Frak, Marry, Kill. Tensions run pretty high in the epic space opera: they're all on the brink of an interplanetary war, and civilization (or at least a percentage of it) may be under attack from some weird protomolecule. While we don't have alien species ( or do we???) like in Star Wars, we do have plenty of interesting characters to either get it on with, get married to or airlock out into the cold, dark, vastness of space. So here we go ...

Round 1: Chrisjen Avasarala, Naomi Nagata, Bobbie Draper

Geek Girl Diva: I was thinking about this earlier and knew this was gonna be the combo that killed me right off the bat. Because UGH decisions.

Carly: I mean, the proof is in the pudding right there: ALL the women on this show are awesome.

Cher: Truth.

But … well ...

... someone has to die. And, I think for me it's Chrisjen. I'd frak Bobbie, marry Naomi, kill Chrisjen.

Carly: I am maybe boring and also predictable because mine is the exact same as yours, Cher. Marry Naomi, frak Bobbie, kill Chrisjen.

Geek Girl Diva: I'm leaning the same way, but I'm over here trying to figure out if I'd be better off with Chrisjen's overall strategic brilliance. I mean, she'd be so amazing to have around. That said, killing Naomi just seems uncalled for. But there's also Chrisjen's closet. Wait, if she's dead, I get all her clothes.

Cher: Well, Bobbie is just super alpha and would manhandle you. So that’s why frak her, obvi.

Carly: I feel like I'm partly making my picks for shallow reasons (i.e. who's the most gorgeous).

Cher: Naomi is the HBIC and is also compassionate, so marry. Chrisjen is too sneaky. No thanks.

Carly: Naomi is super-smart and supportive, but doesn't take any crap from anyone. Definite marriage material.

Cher: Right? Like if Naomi can be all nurturing with Amos, you wife her.

Carly: Bobbie's your typical soldier who would probably not be an ideal partner but you'd definitely have fun in the sack with her.

Geek Girl Diva: Okay, done. Frak Bobbie (cause you know she's a tiger in the sack), marry Naomi, kill Chrisjen. (Sorry, Shohreh! I love you!)

Cher: I would make Chrisjen record my outgoing VM though before I killed her, because Shoreh has the best voice. Or maybe at least phone sex to soften the blow of killing her. Everyone should get off at least once before they die.

Carly: Yes, this is nothing against Shohreh Aghdashloo who I once called a goddess among mortals and I MEANT IT.

Cher: OK so this was … far easier than I expected. So next round.

Carly: *rubs hands together*

Carly: We gonna sort some Roci boys? :wink:


Round 2: Kenzo, Fred Johnson, Diogo

Geek Girl Diva: Ooooh. Frak Kenzo, marry Fred, kill Diogo. Pre-symbiote Kenzo, of course.

Carly: Frak Fred, marry Diogo, kill Kenzo. I'm going off instinct here but also Kenzo is too diabolical to keep around in good conscience.

Cher: DEF kill Kenzo.

Carly: And Diogo is a little sweetie who I would pat on the head at periodic intervals. But Fred is Chad L. Coleman and that pretty much speaks for itself.

Geek Girl Diva: LOL. My preference for bad boys rears its head. Diogo's gonna die eventually and all his chatter would bore me, so kill. (I don’t know if he's gonna die, TBH, just a guess).

Cher: I don't know that I'd want to ever have sex with Diogo but I also don't know that I could kill him. Plus there's a moment in Season 2 when you find out he likes dubstep and that's kind of a deal breaker for me, TBH.

Carly: I would marry Diogo but ours would be a sexless marriage.

Cher: I mean, I'd marry him if like, he's off doing weird OPA crap and I never have to see him. Or talk to him. Like, we can text.

Geek Girl Diva: He's, like, 12.

Carly: What? Noooo, he's like 19. We would be married in name only. Meanwhile I would be hooking up with Fred Johnson.

Cher: I think this is really coming down to who should I kill?

Geek Girl Diva: I'm tellin’ ya, sex with Kenzo would be good.

Cher: I think I'd marry Fred Johnson. But that could be partially because Tyreese from TWD was one of the best characters and I still feel the sads over him dying.

Geek Girl Diva: Marriage to Fred, hands down yes. And Chad L. Coleman is one of those still waters kind of men. So you know you'd have lots to talk about.

Carly: Fred isn't quite as huggable as Tyreese but I feel like he could have a soft side under that hard OPA exterior.

Cher: Marry Fred but .... IDK. I can't frak Diogo. I guess kill him and throw Kenzo a shot …

... then kill him.

Geek Girl Diva: This is a good choice.

Cher: I'd be like a praying mantis and kill him immediately after the sex.

Geek Girl Diva: What if it was amazing?

Cher: Nope. He dies. He's kind of not a great person, so that factors in. Like, I'd definitely be faking it and watching the clock until it was over. Or say whatever I needed to to get him to hurry up and finish and be done with it. Clearly, these are tactics I've employed before.

Geek Girl Diva: I'm not killing someone who's great in bed when I'm living in space with a limited supply of people. That's just practical.

Carly: Exactly. Keep the quality sex partners around!

Geek Girl Diva: Waiiiiit. Cher -- you'd keep someone alive for sex but then you'd hurry him up and fake it? We need to find you another choice, clearly. I mean, the sex person should be able to cause multiple o's.

Cher: Well I don't want to have sex with Diogo more than I don't want to have sex with Kenzo, but I have to choose one. So, yes. The point of FMK is that there's always more than one person you want to do one of the things to. And I want to kill two people.

Carly: Multiple orgasms in zero-G :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:


Round 3: Alex, Holden, Amos

Geek Girl Diva: Oh, that's mean. I'm having a hard time here.

Carly: This one's tough. I think, ultimately, I'm gonna say marry Alex, frak Holden, kill Amos.

Geek Girl Diva: Okay, okay … frak Amos, marry Holden, kill Alex. I think. And I'm not happy about that.

Cher: See, I think I'd frak Amos and ... IDK with the other two, to be honest.

Carly: Because we know Alex is good husband material (or at least that's what he keeps saying). We know Holden is good to mess around with. And Amos ... he gets a little too unhinged for me. Still waters run scary with him.

Cher: I mean, Alex is funny and can cook, and seems like he would be the obvious choice for marriage material. Holden … IDK, he hasn't displayed any reason to be in a relationship with him outside of his bare ass.

Carly: Holden would be good for fun in the sack.

Geek Girl Diva: Alex is awesome, but if I had to send one out the airlock, it would be him only because of my Frak and Marry picks. Plus, Holden knows the value of a good cup of coffee.

Cher: And Amos may be intense, but that's the kind of person that you wanna bang. He'd harness all that pent up aggression into the sex. Granted, he may choke you out and accidentally kill you during sex, but it wouldn't be on purpose, so you can't be that mad at him for it.

Carly: My whole thing with Amos is would you really want to be involved with someone where the only person who can calm him down is another woman? 'Cause that makes me nervous. Holden would bring you coffee the morning after.

Geek Girl Diva: That's extremely important in a marriage.

Cher: IDK Holden … he can get airlocked. Or married. IDK.

Carly: I guess I also have to say I would marry Alex because I could listen to that Martian accent of his all. day. long.

Cher: Plus you could always get Alex to start working out and then maybe he'd have better abs than Holden. I mean, doubtful, but maybe?

Carly: I don't know, I think there are some muscles under that jumpsuit. Hidden treasures.

Geek Girl Diva: That sounds like a lot of extra work. Besides, when has a woman trying to change a man actually worked?

Cher: I think ... frak Amos, marry Alex, kill Holden. Holden seems like he'd be too much WORK. Like, every single need of his would need to met instantly and I got sh*t to do.

Geek Girl Diva: I can totally see you waving bye-bye at Holden as he floats out into space, Cher.

Cher: Plus he has that damn protomolecule (or does he?? dun dun dunnnn) infestation and IDK man, do I wanna deal with that?

Carly: I'd use him and lose him, personally.

Cher: We don't know if it's an STD or if it'll change him once you're married or like, what's the healthcare like in space? Is there insurance? Would I be financially responsible as his wife? These are things I need answers to.

Geek Girl Diva: Remind me never to get a protomolecule around you. That's a good question. Do we get free healthcare in space?

Carly: He's self-employed now ever since the Canterbury blew up so I don't even think he has insurance.

Cher: Holden has baggage, too. His ex piece blew up because of him. Poor decision making and getting involved with him is literally life-threatening. Naomi and he have a "situation." And do I want that drama? He's drama. Holden needs to get it together bc he's a mess.

Carly: I know Alex is former MCRN so maybe I'd get benefits as a military spouse. Anything like our vets, you'd get a nice deal on your mortgage. So WIN/WIN, really.

Carly: Exactly. I'd have an adorable hubby AND health insurance.

Cher: And a condo. Whereas Holden is one of those mistakes you make when you allow yourself to get distracted by how hot he is, then end up in therapy because of him for the next five years.

Geek Girl Diva: Whoever owns the Roci. That's who I'm marrying.

Carly: I think they all own a piece of it, don't they?

Geek Girl Diva: Okay, okay, I'll switch my vote. Kill Holden, marry Alex. But I'm taking the coffee stash.

Carly: Kill Holden for the coffee. :laughing:

Cher: Okay well, if everyone's decided, I guess that's a wrap.

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