Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.
I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course, you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a post about the 10 saddest movie monsters. For everyone else, game on!
The '80s and '90s produced some questionably classic horror, high on the cheese and higher on the beefcake. Yes, while some of these movies weren't exactly cinematic excellence, they were visually superb, speaking purely in terms of our pants parts. We broke down some of the '80s and '90s hottest horror hunks and determined who was worthy of frakking, marrying and killing. Game on.
ROUND 1: I Know What You Did Last Summer - Freddie Prinze Jr., Mekhi Pheiffer, Ryan Phillippe
Sarah: Frak Freddie Prinze Jr. Did I say that too fast?
Courtney: Frakkie Prinze Jr. And Ryan Killippe.
Cher: So… Ryan Phillippe is pretty terrible IRL so kill him.
Sarah: Yeah, I'm going Kill Ryan and marry Mekhi.
Courtney: YOU DON'T GET TO CHEAT ON REESE AND GET OUT ALIVE, F*CKO.
Sarah: Although the Ryan Phillippe saxophone scene in Wish Upon remains one of the greatest WTF moments in recent cinema history.
Courtney: He was a bad actor who was bad at talking and was constantly making Zoolander face and we all just ignored it. WHY. Because cute? Because cute.
Sarah: Because Cruel Intentions.
Cher: Cruel Intentions is the only reason RP was ever a thing. Let’s call it like it is.
Courtney: SMG and Reese carried him like a goddamn Baby Bjorn in that movie and we all know it.
Cher: And Freddie Prinze, Jr. once RTed a Neverending Story reference I made about a Star Wars Rebels ep and also Kanaan is low-key hot so marry him (you're welcome for that maximum geekiness I just provided).
Courtney: He also used to write for the WWE because he contains multitudes.
Sarah: In my mind, FPJ and SMG are low key nerds DO NOT RUIN THIS FOR ME, INTERNET.
Cher: FPJ is very much a nerd. He also voiced a bisexual beast in Dragon Age who is hands down one of the funniest characters in the game.
Courtney: I'm only not marrying him because I can't come between him and Buffy, I COULD NEVER.
Cher: I’ll be a sister wife. I’m down with that. Also, Freddie never got sh*tty about his wife’s career eclipsing his like certain ppl also on this list.
Cher: Frak Mekhi bc he’s smexy.
Sarah: I remember some story about Mekhi buying out Disneyland for his kid's birthday, which is marry material.
Courtney: I'll marry Mekhi and then the boy will really be mine.
Sarah: Although I think he filed for bankruptcy...Maybe Marry FPJ and frak Mekhi.
Cher: That’s what I’m sayin'.
Courtney: I'm sorry that you / seem to be confused / he belongs to me / Mar-ry Mek-hiiii.
ROUND 2: Scream 2 - Omar Epps, Timothy Olyphant, Liev Schreiber
Courtney: Cher this is your moment.
Sarah: FRAK AND MARRY TIMOTHY OLYPHANT.
Cher: I MEAN.
Sarah: Cher was late to the Olyphant party she does not get first dibs.
Cher: My dog just died so I get all the dibs I want. T.O. 4EVER.
Sarah: I am sorry about the doggo but I WILL FIGHT YOU.
Cher: I’d Frak T.O. then marry him, then divorce him so I can marry him twice.
Courtney: A real Liz Taylor/Richard Burton thing.
Cher: Yes but like, we’d actually really like each other.
Courtney: And Lindsay Lohan wouldn't play you someday.
Cher: Don't you put that evil on me.
Cher: Also he’s low-key a stoner and that's very much MY BRAND.
Courtney: Liev Schreiber will always and forever be associated with the Tom and Lorenzo theory that he and Naomi always looked like they just banged in the limo and for that I will frak Liev.
Sarah: Live in perpetual sin with T.O. Frak 4 life, marry no one, kill Omar Epps. Sorry?
Courtney: Sinnin' with Tim is a reality show I'd watch.
Cher: I mean…
Sarah: This round is really just about choosing your favorite T.O. fantasy.
Courtney: Omar Epps is tweeting Al Green lyrics while you're trying to kill him.
Sarah: Fine then kill Liev Schreiber my point is I AM FRAKKING T.O. UNTIL I AM DRY.
Courtney: With T.O. you will never be dry.
Sarah: Five-minute fantasy break.
Courtney: I mean within the context of the film, he IS the killer. I'd ask if that is a risk you're willing to take but lol I already know the answer. WHAT A WAY TO GO, THOUGH.
Sarah: At least I'd die happy.
ROUND 3: Flatliners - Kiefer Sutherland, Kevin Bacon, Billy Baldwin
Sarah: Marry Bacon, obvs.
Cher: Def. Kill Kiefer. Frak Billy.
Courtney: Billy Baldwin seems the only decent Baldwin but Justin Bieber IS his son-in-law now and Christmases with that entire family, UGH, intolerable.
Cher: No, that's Stephen, duh. Get it together, Court.
Courtney: Oh no sh*t? Damn, I only think of Stephen as Jesus and Problematicness. Jesus, Problematicness AND BIEBER? Dang, Stephen, what happened to you in the Biodome?
Cher: Stephen smoked the bad sh*t in Biodome.
Sarah: At this point, Billy Baldwin is the Superior Baldwin.
Courtney: Billy is THE ULTIMATE BALDWIN. We might as well reward him with our respective bits.
Sarah: Marry Bacon, Kill Kiefer, Frak Baldwin. That's the only option.
Cher: I cosign this
Sarah: Stephen Baldwin once tried to explain the Iraq War to me and why I should be against it.
Cher: When was this? Before he went all right wing?
Sarah: Yes. I was confused by that turn because he was passionately anti-GWB and anti-Iraq war. He had pamphlets and everything.
Cher: Never trust anyone who finds Jesus.
Cher: OMG his calf is the size of an 12-year-old’s tricep.
Sarah: Jesus is rolling his eyes like he knows that tat sucks.
Courtney: Jesus is like "lol this f*ckin guy”
Cher: Jesus is all “Can you believe I died for this sh*t?” Jesus would rather be nailed to the cross again than be in that tattoo. Too soon?
Sarah: Nah, it's been 2000 years.
WILD CARD ROUND: Chucky, the Leprechaun, Greta from Gremlins
Sarah: TIMOTHY OLYPHANT
Sarah: Annnd scene