Frak Marry Kill: Holiday edition

Contributed by
Dec 20, 2018, 1:00 PM EST

Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.

I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course, you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a post with some ideas for your holiday shopping. For everyone else, game on!

The holiday season is here. Gifts are under the tree, lights are strung, and we're ready to unwrap some packages and yes that is a eupehemism for a very weird holiday edition of Frak, Marry, Kill replete with Santas, reindeer and at least one very meme-able Michael Fassbender movie. Enjoy and happy holidays!


ROUND 1: Tim Allen, Kurt Russell, Lord Richard Attenborough


Rebecca: Marry Kurt Russell. Goes without saying. He is good long-term relationship material.

Carly: Oh, really? Because I was leaning towards him as the frak. He's got that twinkle in his eye that implies he might have honeys on the side too.

Courtney: When you frak Attenborough he says "WELCOME TO JURASSIC PARK" as he takes his pants off.

Carly: Meanwhile I'd marry Lord Richard Attenborough but it would be that purely platonic marriage where you know he would just project various Britishisms at you while making you tea.

Rebecca: I love how we're abandoning all pretense to not conflate A) characters with the actors who play them and B) characters with other characters played by that actor.

Courtney: Look. This game is a mess. It's best just to own it.

Rebecca: And in that vein, K Tim Allen. Sonofabitch.

Carly: My only response to Tim Allen is *giant fart noise*.

Rebecca: I'm gonna team up with elf David Krumholtz and ice that douchebag. Community takeover of the North Pole. Bet on it.

Carly: Ohhhh yeah, Elfholtz could get it. Krum-elf? I don't know.

Courtney: I mean, frak Krumholtz. Heck, frak Judge Reinhold, too.

Rebecca: His hair is so, so bad. Those little ringlets. I don't want to even think about the situation of his pubes.

Carly: Maybe part of the relationship could be introducing him to better hair products.

Rebecca: But I'm gonna find out, because in this scenario I seduce and frak Elfholtz to get me close to Tim Allen Santa so I can kill him and perform a hostile takeover of his entire operation.

Courtney: "A hostile takeover of his entire operation" is how I describe sex so that works.

Rebecca: "Hey, can you turn the lights on?" "Just wait *zzzzzzzip*."

Carly: Rebecca offers Elfholtz a plate of her milk and cookies if you know what I mean.

Rebecca: I'm gonna hostile takeover Lord Richard Attenborough's situation.

Courtney: Ho ho, ho.

Rebecca: By which I mean his d*ck.

Courtney: Jolly Old Saint D*ck

Carly: Be gentle, he is the eldest of these Santas.

Courtney: He'll have a heart attack and you'll get the whole Pole. And the North Pole too.

Rebecca: "The true Miracle on 34th St...is my penis."

Carly: I would climb Kurt Russell's Santa like a tree and I'm not even ashamed to say that.

Courtney: Oh Santa would come to town and so would I.

Carly: He can deck me all over these halls.

Rebecca: I'd let him down my chimney.

Courtney: He can jingle my bells.

Rebecca: I'll handle his stocking gently with care

Courtney: It won't be a silent night, I'll tell you that much. Guys, I could do this all day.

Rebecca: I’m only sad that this is happening in the morning so I can't be drunk. (FYI to the readers, I'M SURE YOU ALREADY KNOW, but alcohol is typically involved in these.)

Courtney: What are you even saying? It’s mimosa o'clock.

Rebecca: Wine mom Court to the rescue.

Courtney: I'm not a regular mom I'm a drunk mom. OK so Tim Allen is dead, we killed him, but I think that means we're Santa now. Per the contract.

Rebecca: So we're Santa frakking another Santa (Richard Attenborough). Guys, I think we can make a Santa orgy happen.

Courtney: We're literally frakking ourselves.

Rebecca: That's the point this was getting to.

Courtney: Santa, baby, INDEED.

Rebecca: Santa orgy, Elf Krumholtz keeps us stocked in wine and lube.


Round 2: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Hermey the Elf, Yukon Cornelius

Rebecca: I am real close to looking up reindeer dongs right now. Bigger/smaller than horse dongs? What's the situation here?

Courtney: The issue is no matter who you pick, that Charlie in the Box is going to pop out at the most inopportune moment.

Rebecca: Pop out of what, exactly? If, at this point in the canon, I have transformed into lady Santa, there's no guarantee that Charlie in the Box doesn't spring out of my vag mid-sex.

Courtney: The real island of misfit toys was our vaginas all along.

Rebecca: Anyway, clearly you marry Hermey, because the man's a dentist and you'll be comfortable.

Carly: I'm just gonna say it: I would marry Rudolph. He might have to sleep in a different room on account of that nightlight nose and we would probably just be platonic life partners but I can't kill him, I CAN'T

Rebecca: I struggle with Yukon Cornelius. He's hot, but he looks like he'd smell. All those layers.

Courtney: Rudolph has serious daddy issues and Santa issues and I hope that it's made him kind but it also might have made him an emotional wreck. Also, hoof prints on my boobs.

Carly: Yukon is a man of the wild and I would like to be the one to tame him with lots of frakking. Plus y'all know that I am FANGRRLS' resident ginger fan and this extends to claymation explorers apparently.

Rebecca: I would also marry Rudolph, but for the very different reason that I could ally with him to take vengeance on the other reindeer for being mean to him. Rudolph MUST have some vengeance issues. We'd lead a North Pole mafia as husband and wife.

Carly: Again with the hostile takeovers, I'm sensing a theme here.

Rebecca: I'm gonna be the Big Ang of the North Pole.

Courtney: I love that every marriage is a coup. This is very Game of Thrones.

Rebecca: Get. That. (Wrapping.) Paper. Santa has this worldwide intelligence network, and he uses it to... deliver toys? Frak that. I'm gonna dream bigger. So I guess I'm killing Yukon Cornelius? I don't want to. But I'm going to say he stood in the way of my and Rudolph's rise to power, so he had to be *slides on sunglasses* iced.

Courtney: He does have the power to tame wild animals, though. Could be useful, sack-wise. Oh damn, there's a Santa pun we missed.

Rebecca: I don't want penguins knocking on my door while I'm knocking boots.

Courtney: At least his boots are functional.

Carly: He's also a fan of tasting things, which... points to a possible oral fixation I'm not mad about. Lots of tongue action.

Rebecca: Carly, you're not wrong.

Courtney: Yeah but you also might get gold dust up your hoob.

Carly: It'll look PRETTY. I’d be his Gold Dust Woman.


Rebecca: Goldfinger, but... not.

Carly: I'll sparkle like a GD star. SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND.

Rebecca: So now I'm imagining a penis, with the pubes dyed green, decorated with tiny little colorful BBs to represent ornaments. And what scares me is that I KNOW someone has already done this.

Courtney: I'm not googling that.


Courtney: JK I've already googled it twice.

Carly: A beautiful tree-nis. 

Rebecca: Some Christmas trees are leaners. It's fine. It's not the size of the tree, it's how you decorate it.

Carly: I think I'm gonna have to kill Hermey.

Rebecca: Wait, I said marry Rudolph AND Hermey. Which I would totally do, but it's against the rules. Marry Rudolph, kill Cornelius, frak Hermey and make him my sugar elf so he buys he fur coats with all his dentist money. Rudolph and Hermey totally have something going on on the side anyway, so it's not like either of them would care.

Courtney: Frak Cornelius because my beard fetish knows no bounds, marry Hermey, kill Rudolph, cancel Christmas because the sleigh won't get goddamn anywhere without his nose.

Rebecca: I don't want anyone shining a GD flashlight in there during sex. So I'll marry him, but it'll be more like a business relationship.

Carly: Exactly. Purely platonic.

Courtney: It's so distracting. I can't even sleep with the light on.

Rebecca: He knows all about "big red buttons," though.

Courtney: This post brought to you by #MIBInternational, out June 14, 2019. Not really but it’s that same energy.

Rebecca: Look, all this is a moot point, because I know who I'm frakking, and it's Margot the Tit Walrus.


ROUND 3: Frosty the Snowman, Jack Frost the Snowman from the Michael Keaton movie Jack Frost, the movie The Snowman

Rebecca: You mean the movie The Snowman, featuring main character HARRY HOLE????

Courtney: I mean he did give us all the clues.

Rebecca: I’m gonna be square with you. I don't know if him being named "Harry Hole" makes me want to frak him more or less.

Courtney: I mean it could go either way.

Rebecca: Does Frosty the Snowman even have a d*ck? If he does, it's cold. If he doesn't...what, is he frakking me with, a carrot?

Courtney: Well...that is what happens in the OTHER Jack Frost.

Rebecca: Literally just ramming a pointy, probably dirty carrot in and out of there? No.

Carly: Meanwhile I can't stop thinking about Frosty shouting "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" every time he comes to life if you catch my (snow) drift.



Courtney: Every time the hat falls off during does he just melt all over you?

Rebecca: He’d make you wet, that's for sure.

Carly: Frosty's Splash Zone.

Courtney: This is how you get nether frostbite.

Rebecca: Mmm, plow that snow, Frosty.

Carly: Being cold is a real buzzkill for me in general so none of these options are all that appealing, not even Fassy Hole over there.

Rebecca: OK, so. Kill Frosty the Snowman. Marry Michael Keaton snowman, because he looks creepy as hell, but he's at least human part of the time, right? And FRAK. HARRY. HOLE.

Courtney: HELLO MISTER POLICE. *flashes boobs*

Rebecca: What an O-face.


Carly: IF I HAVE TO CHOOSE: marry Frosty, kill Michael Keaton snowman because those eyebrows are freaking me the hell out and not even Michael Keaton can save it for me, frak Harry Hole but it's a one-night-stand where we don't introduce ourselves by name first.

Rebecca: In this shared universe we live in, Michael Keaton is simultaneously all Michael Keaton characters, so it's sort of like you're marrying Batman, which would be awful, because he has the emotional intelligence of a toddler, but: RICH.

Courtney: Turtlenecks for dayyyys. Anyway, we’re done now. I love getting freaky with y'all.

Rebecca: Bye, darlings.


Carly: Bye, titty walrus.

Top stories
Top stories