Frak Marry Kill: Jeff Goldblum edition

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Oct 18, 2018, 12:56 PM EDT

Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.

I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a post about a video game where you get to date your own weapons. For everyone else, game on!

All month long, we've been celebrating our favorite zaddy Jeff Goldblum. But today, it's time to get scientific about it and give him the Frak, Marry, Kill treatment he's always deserved. Three of our FANGRRLS experts in Frakkology dug deep and determine which classic Goldblum characters we'd frak, marry or kill. Join us for some hot(?) Brundlefly takes.


ROUND 1: Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park; David Levinson, Independence Day; Jack Harrison, Transylvania 6-5000

Sara: Kill Ian Malcolm

Courtney: Wow, why would you say something so controversial yet brave? As someone who just watched Transylvania 6-5000 Imma kill that guy. Kill him and his stupid David Byrne suits and his inability to take no for an answer.

Rebecca: Frak Ian Malcolm, for sure. I don't know what those sex noises are going to be like, but I know I need to find out. Plus, if you like more of a tempo in your thrusting, you can say "Must go faster! Must go faster!" And it's an in-joke.

Courtney: I mean you MARRY David Levinson.

Rebecca: Marry the f*ck out of David Levinson and his puka shell necklace. Any guy who can make a puka shell necklace look hot, you lock that down.

Courtney: He has a) a good relationship with his dad, b) an affinity for chess, c) a choker, all of which bode well for lasting love.

Sara: David is marry-age material.

Rebecca: He'll save the world... and your nethers. Plus there's a possibility of a threesome between him and ID4-era Bill Pullman? I'm in.

Courtney: He saved the world by putting his disk in. Is that anything? Disk. Because it's like d*ck. Also look this is not a Bill Pullman FMK but frak Bill Pullman.

Rebecca: David Levinson, you get chest hair. And that's always a plus.

Courtney: Is it more chest hair than Macolm or is it a matter of lighting that makes Malcolm look like he has a shinier chest?

Sara: I'm still thinking about the choker I totally forgot that. God everyone in the ‘90s had chokers. Jeff Goldblum, Left Eye, everyone.

Rebecca: And now they're coming back, and I hate it, because it makes me feel Old.

Sara: Anyway I would marry a guy in a choker I guess.

Courtney: I had a choker with a ying-yang symbol because I am v. white.

Rebecca: He looks good sucking on a cigar.

Maybe I just want him, Will Smith and Bill Pullman to have a threesome, and I get to watch?

Courtney: Glasses always win. Every single time.

Sara: This look! I hope he wears a choker at our wedding.

Rebecca: Imagine you're having sex with David Levinson and Randy Quaid photobombs you. Brent Spiner's there. Taking notes.

Courtney: I would watch them all have a foursome with Vivica Fox.

Sara: Oh I think I'd be leaving him at the altar for Viv.

Rebecca: You're definitely going to give her a better engagement ring than that dolphin atrocity she got from Will Smith.

Courtney: Viv should have left after that ugly ass ring BE HONEST.

Rebecca: Why does everyone in independence day have garbage taste in jewelry?

Sara: God I forgot about that too! Do I even 90s bro?

Rebecca: We're getting off the subject of frakking, but this is some illuminati sh*t.

Courtney: This is the unsexiest movie starring a few of the sexiest people and it is deeply confusing to mine nethers.

Rebecca: FMK the puka shell necklace, the dolphin engagement ring, Brent Spiner's ugly-ass scarf from the sequel.

Sara: Marry the alien tbh. You hate humans, omg I hate humans too.

Rebecca: Humans are the entire worst.

Courtney: F the floppy disk, marry the floppy disk, kill Randy Quaid.

Rebecca: Frak Randy Quaid's hot son. He was a hot hunka hotness. He had that good '90s Jonathan Taylor Thomas hair.



Sara: And every Greg Araki movie

Rebecca: W H A T

Courtney: Do you want to see MY portal Frank the Bunny?

Sara: Marry Frank the bunny. I am bigamist

Rebecca: FMK: Furry edition. You can crash a plane in me any day of the week.


ROUND 2: Seth Brundle, The Fly; Mac, Earth Girls Are Easy; Grandmaster, Thor: Ragnarok

Rebecca: Kill Mac from Earth Girls Are Easy. Post-makeover, sure, a hottie, but a hairy D I cannot abide. I'm not going to risk it.

Sara: Frak the fly just because I mean it'll probably only happen once so you might as well try something new.

Courtney: I'm not going to marry the Grandmaster but I just want a taste-test.

Rebecca: The Grandmaster is not marriage material, but I feel like I can raid his eyeliner stash? Oh to be a fly on THAT wall eh eh eheehehehehehhhh???

Sara: I would feel weird coming between Loki and the Grandmaster or I mean it would be great.

Rebecca: Grandmaster has LITERALLY had it sucked by a god.

Courtney: SO THIS COMES UP EVERY TIME but are we talking pre-fly Brundle or post?

Rebecca: Frak pre-Brundlefly Brundle, because it is CANONICALLY ESTABLISHED that he can wield that dong like a god. A fly god. YOU CANONICALLY HAVE LIKE A ONE-WEEK WINDOW WHERE HIS D IS LITERAL MAGIC, HOW IS THIS A QUESTION.

Sara: Me, drinking at a bar, trying to prove I'm contential: "hey so did u know I once frakked The Fly."

Courtney: I mean if I know what's coming I CAN AT LEAST ACCEPT he's going to become a weird vomit monster.

Rebecca: You are a better and more empathetic person than I am, Court. There's mucus, and I can't do mucus. It's why I'm never having children. I'm out.

Courtney: SO MUCH MUCUS. Him and kids. Parenting is like 90% mucus. BUT we did choose to frak Naveen from Princess and the Frog and that is a major aspect of his character.

Rebecca: Would Naveen frak Brundlefly?

Courtney: Hm. You make a good point. I'd watch. Twice.

Sara: Wrote that fanfic

Courtney: Frog Naveen would def eat Brundle Fly and here's the thing, what if that's my thing?

Rebecca: It wouldn't be the weirdest thing you've ever said.


Rebecca: I would not want to marry Grandmaster if I had to spend any length of time with him, but I feel like I wouldn't? Like, he'd go off doing his own sh*t and being a giant hobag, and i'd get the credit cards. IDK about calling my husband "grandmaster," though. If you marry the Grandmaster, maybe you get to hang out with Valkyrie And/or maybe have sex with Vaklyrie, win/win.

Sara: FMK Valkyrie Or maybe just marry. I love her.

Rebecca: Did Valkyrie and Hulk frak? I mean, really? Did they? They did, right?

Sara: Only with my heart

Rebecca: I love her with my heart and other parts of me.

Sara: Nice sword tbh.


ROUND 3: Buck Wolf, Faerie Tale Theatre; Jacuzzi piano guy from those GE commercials; New Jersey, The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension

Rebecca: "Buck Wolf" sounds like a porn name, you KNOW that guy's gonna treat you right. D*ckwise.

Sara: Frak...well, all of them.

Rebecca: Like Sara would frak the Brundlefly for the bragging rights, I would frak Buck Wolf. I am putting that sh*t on my tombstone. 

Sara: She died as she lived.

Rebecca: Frakking a man with questionable taste in hats. Marry New Jersey, because — just in terms of pure physicality — it may be the hottest Goldblum's ever been? For me, anyway. Plus, the chaps. I do want to live in a house with a jacuzzi piano, though, so that's a point in favor of marrying Jeff the GE salesman.

Courtney: I mean I love a jacooze but sometimes I want to do other stuff. Piano jacuzzi handles all of it.

Sara: Um yah I'm just gonna say frak the Jacuzzi guy three times and call it a day.

Rebecca: Come the f*ck on though. Look at this hipster hotness.

Courtney: I mean I AM MARRYING New Jersey. F*cking look at him. Peak glasses. Peak shirts. Peak Goldblum.

Rebecca: He's intellectual, he has good taste in cowboy couture, he's hot as hell, good luggage for the honeymoon. 


Courtney: I love a matching luggage. And it stands out — you won't get it lost at baggage claim.

Sara: I think we're all marrying NJ.

Rebecca: Frak Buck Dick Wolf whatever his name is, marry New Jersey, kill Jacuzzi Jeff.

Courtney: I'm going to have to agree.

Rebecca: Get 'im to wear those chaps, but assless.

Courtney: But keep the jacuzzi. I just want a jacuzzi.

Sara: I feel I would marry him for his jacuzzi then kill him.

Rebecca: In the jacuzzi?

Courtney: But play him out with a lovely piano tune.

Sara: FMK but as a sequence of events.

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