Frak, Marry, Kill: Keanu Reeves edition

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Sep 13, 2018, 1:00 PM EDT

Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.

I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a post about Jocelyn Bell Burnell being awarded for her work in astrophysics 50 years after her pulsar discovery. For everyone else, game on!

This month, Keanu Charles Reeves turned an immortal and astonishing 54 years old. For more than 30 years he's made our hearts (et cetera) flutter and we're so grateful. But which of his genre characters rev our engines the most? We discussed at great length. 


Round 1: Kai from 47 Ronin, Ted "Theodore" Logan from Bill and Ted, Johnny Mnemonic

Rebecca: Marry Johnny Mnemonic, because if you do you get a psychic dolphin as a pet. Can you say that about Ted Theodore Logan or Kai from 47 Ronin? No. Cyberpunk Ice Cube officiates your wedding. You can't really improve on it.

Cher: These are very good points. However, Kai is like a built-in security system. You will always be SAFE with him. Plus Kai is probs very zen. Meditation is a big part of martial arts. And long-hair Keanu = *heart eyes.*

Courtney: Johnny Mnemonic wears a lot of suits. You can take him places

Rebecca: I'm gonna frak Kai, because A) muscles, B) hair (for pulling). But he's a bit too dour for me to marry.

Cher: Then again, Ted is passionate about his music career which is kinda hot.

Rebecca: Do we think that Ted would be good at sex?

Courtney:  Stoner boys have a hard time completing the mission as it were.

Cher: I think you would think he wouldn't be, because he's a knucklehead, but then he ends up being like SUPER romantic on the DL.

Rebecca: We KNOW he wouldn't be good at marriage. This man does not know how to do his laundry. He'd be one of those people who expect you to clean up after him like you're his mother

Cher: Ted would make you a mixtape and it would be all your fave monster ballads from junior high and that’s not nothing

Courtney: Aw, that's marriable.

Rebecca: It's sweet, but I wouldn't consider it sexy. Frakking Ted Theodore Logan would be like frakking a golden retriever puppy.

Courtney: So much tongue. But also, so much tongue.

Cher: Which is very important for a lasting relationship.

Rebecca: Your social life if you marry Ted would be great, though. Jane Wiedlin Joan of Arc as your maid of honor.

Courtney: Plus it's important to like your man's friends and Bill is great. You're gonna have to kick him out sometimes or else he'll live on your couch.

Cher: And tbh, my version of marrying is really pulling a Goldie and Kurt, which I think Ted would be down for. So…marry Ted, frak Kai, kill Johnny.

Rebecca: There are some good points in favor of marrying Ted, but nothing sufficient enough to outweigh the allure of a psychic dolphin Frak Kai, marry Johnny, kill Ted

Cher: Living with Johnny every day would be like being on DMT everyday and my serotonin levels couldn't take that.

Courtney: Marry Ted, frak Kai, kill Johnny. I ain't messin' with no Dolph.

Rebecca: This FMK Keanu Reeves character thing is tough for me. Because—and I am fully aware Cher might murder me here—I for one never found Keanu particularly SEXY. He's sweet. I'd want to hang out with him. He's almost too pure in body, mind, and spirit to frak.

Cher: Rebecca you’re fired.


Courtney: She doesn't. She doesn't know you're right. 

Cher: You absolutely are NOT. Keanu has been in my top five since like, high school.

Rebecca: I want Keanu to braid my hair and watch k-dramas with me.

Cher: I want him to do that then shower with me

Courtney: When Keanu's around, Cher's basically a window-cling Garfield. Just launching at him crotch-first.



Rebecca: Crotchrocket. Destination: Keanuville.


Round 2 - Soft Boy Keanus: Alex from The Lake House, Jonathan from Dracula, Klaatu from The Day the Earth Stood Still

Rebecca: Dracula Keanu is an ineffectual wiener, god bless him. And he lost his virginity to vampire Monica Bellucci. I can't compete with that. It'd be hell on the ego.

Cher: Yeah but any guy that can get it in with any version of Monica Bellucci is worth a shot.

Rebecca: Marry Lake House Keanu. He's romantic and soft and it would be relatively drama-free compared to the other two. Slam Dracula Keanu like a screen door in a hurricane.

Cher: I appreciate the letter writing skill in Lake House. It’s like You’ve Got Mail only sans it being good and Nora Ephron.

Courtney: I love a letter. Writing by hand increases hand strength.

Rebecca: Ooooh-eyyyyyy. I could get Lake House Keanu to dirty talk.

Cher: Keanu looks too much like Roman/John from Days of Our Lives in The Day the Earth Stood Still, so kill.


Courtney: According to Wiki, Keanu described Klaatu "to the wrathful God who floods the world in the Old Testament, but is gentle and forgiving by the time of the New Testament.” Which is interesting because he also floods my Old Testament.

Cher: Wait I take that back. A wrathful but gentle god IN MY BED. So frak. Kill Dra-Keanu. Marry Lake Keanu.

Rebecca: Dracula Keanu, I'd want to ball gag him so I don't have to listen to that accent. Frak Dracula Keanu, marry Lake House Keanu, kill Klaatu

Courtney: Marry Lake House, kill Klaatu, frak Jonathan because what's good enough for Winona is good enough for me. Except Johnny Depp, f*ck him.

Rebecca: You make a solid point, there.

Cher: Ugh he’s dead to me.

Rebecca: Johnny was never good enough for Winona anyway.


Round 3 - Badass Keanu: Neo from The Matrix Trilogy, Constantine, John Wick

Courtney: Kill Neo. I'm sorry, he's boring.

Cher: Yeah but… idk if I can deal with all the god stuff with Constantine.

Courtney: I like them a bit angry, it's helpful for the sacktimes.


Rebecca: AGREED.


Cher: Any man that goes into a killing spree because of his puppy, YOU PUT A RING ON IT and greet him naked with a smile every day. Every. Day.

Rebecca: Like, the dude's in a dangerous career path, but we KNOW he can quit the business if he has the right incentive to do so. And "incentive" is, coincidentally enough, what I've named my vag.

Cher: I’d cook him all his fave meals and be a domestic goddess.

Courtney: Plus Jason Mantzoukas is going to be in the third one and maybe John Wick and I are poly and he's OK with me trying that out for a bit, who knows, we can talk about it.


Rebecca: He can get us a room in the murder hotel for our honeymoon. Forget the murder; it just looks like a swank-ass hotel.

Cher: Also, he has a hot car… when it's not being stolen and destroyed.

Rebecca: John Wick wears a suit well. He loves dogs.

Courtney: It's like Must Love Dogs only hotter and better and murderyer.

Cher: I want John Wick to do to my lady parts what he does with a suit and wear the sh*t out of it.

Rebecca: I want him to do to my lady parts what he does with a car and just... just wreck it.

Courtney: Seriously he could crawl inside me like a tauntaun, it's fine.

Cher: Also his house is very clean which tells me he has a good housekeeping service and those are not easy to come by.

Rebecca: He's not slovenly. He has respect for his surroundings. Unlike Neo, who's down with an UNDERGROUND RAVE ORGY IN A CAVE. I get that it's a dystopia and options are limited, but c'mon now.

Cher: And he speaks Italian (badly but WHATEVER) so my fam would 12/10 approve. He could make small talk with my 95-year-old ginzo uncle. It’s fine.

Courtney: Neo wears a lot of leather and I'm concerned for his nether sweat situation.

Rebecca: He'd always ask you to carry a jumbo-sized baby powder in your purse.

Cher: But Neo is very flexible so points for that.

Rebecca: He’s so DOUR. I need some chuckles. Though it's not like Constantine's a laugh a minute. I'm gonna kill Neo and frak Constantine, because frakking Constantine maybe sorta gives me a window of opportunity with regards to former angel Tilda Swinton. Hit it, use his thumb to unlock his phone while he's sleeping, booty call Tilda.

Cher: Yeah I’m so on the fence with this. Neo was kinda miz before he officially became Neo.

Rebecca: Whiskey d*ck, though, could be a problem.

Cher: Constantine looks good in a suit…So…frak Constantine, kill Neo.

Rebecca: Same. Frak Constantine, kill Neo, marry John Wick.

Courtney: Same.

Rebecca: Neo would want you to call him "The One" in bed, and I'm not gonna do that.

Cher: The only way I’d call him the one is if he gave me the many.


Round 3 - Meme Keanu: Sad Keanu, Keanu on a Horse, Conspiracy Ted

Cher: Frak Sad Keanu because he needs to be cheered up.

Courtney: Yeah, he's so sad and I'm like, look, here's my boob. Does this make you happy?

Rebecca: Frak Keanu on a Horse, OBVIOUSLY. Marry Sad Keanu, comes with cupcakes. And, with pain in my heart, kill Conspiracy Ted, because I need a MAN.

Cher: Kill Conspiracy Ted because I don’t have time to explain the female anatomy to someone who is perpetually confused by everything.

Rebecca: I want to hang out with Sad Keanu. Watch rom-coms and eat cupcakes and THEN go to bonertown.

Courtney: I mean he’s melancholy not crying, I bet he could still get it so done. And frrraaaaaaaakkkkk Keanu on a Horse because it’s like I created him in my dream journal

Cher: I think I'm gonna have to swap and frak Keanu on a Horse because that's literally a romance novel cover come to life. Marry Sad Keanu.

Rebecca: Would you frak Keanu ON the horse, riding through the streets of Manhattan?

Cher: Yes. I’d frak him on a horse.

Rebecca: You'd probably break something, but it might be something good.

Cher: Frak him on a horse
Frak him on a golf course
Frak him on the subway
Frak him every damn day.

Rebecca: Frak him here, frak him there. Frak Keanu everywhere.

Courtney: I would like him in my box

Rebecca: He can even wear his socks. 

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