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Frak, Marry, Kill: Lord of the Rings edition

Contributed by
Feb 9, 2018

Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.

I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course, you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. Read our interview with Star Trek: Discovery star Michelle Yeoh instead. For everyone else, game on!

Still here? Good. Look, after all our other Frak, Marry, Kill posts, did you really think the merry pervs of Fangrrls wouldn’t get around to doing a FMK of a franchise where a character’s last name is literally Wormtongue? (Yeah, just bathe in that mental imagery for a while.) Given the world J.R.R. Tolkien has created, we had to set some ground rules, namely that we’re talking about the movie versions of the Lord of the Rings not-a-trilogy only—not the books (the movie changed some things re: certain major players’ characterization, obviously) or The Hobbit or The Silmarillion. If you want to ponder a FMK between Melkor, Fëanor, and Fingolfin in the comments, please do. No, really. Please.


Round One: Aragorn, Boromir and Eomer

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Rebecca: Apologies to Viggo Mortensen, but I have to say frak Eomer, marry Boromir, kill Aragorn.

Swapna: Marry Eomer, frak Aragorn, kill Boromir.

Preeti: That's gotta be easy, right? Frak Aragorn. Kill Boromir. Marry Eomer.

Rebecca: We're all completely different!

Swapa: I think killing Boromir is the right decision. He’s weak.

Rebecca: Aragorn's too much of a brooder for me. I feel like he'd start crying about Arwen in bed, and I don't want that.

Preeti: Ugh, Boromir's such a boor. He would be not even interested if you were into it.

Swapna: Like, you tried to steal the ring from a Hobbit. What’s next, taking candy from a baby?

Rebecca: Boromir Defense Squad over here. Yeah, the Ring corrupted him—but there were extenuating circumstances!

Preeti: He's so too, little too late.

Rebecca: He imprinted on Merry and Pippin. And they imprinted on him. He'd care for you and your kids, if you wanted to go that route. He is an upright hunka man who Tolkien caught in a bad moment.

Preeti: Why Boromir when you could Faramir, tho? Who I know is not part of the equation. But. I mean. Who are we, Denethor?

Rebecca: I would frak and marry Faramir.

Swapna: Right. Also, Denethor as a father-in-law. FIL, FML.

Preeti: Straight. Up. Can you imagine having to sit at a table with him? While he goes chomp, chomp, squish. Chomp. Dribble. With the cherry tomatoes. No thanks, buddy.

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Swapna: While a Hobbit sings for you.

Rebecca: Seriously, though, Aragorn broods so f*cking much. I am not about that. "Oh, I have to be king, but I don't want to be king." Eff off. Boring as heck.

Swapna: Well, that’s why you frak him. And then kick him out of bed before he can talk.

Preeti: Aragorn, one and done. You know he'd be good at it.

Rebecca: That, for me, is Eomer. He's the drunk college jock bro. He's not reliable long-term, but he'd show you a real good night. As long as you use Ye Olde Protection, because you know he has some sh*t.

Swapna: Eomer is just so pretty.

Rebecca: Ride him, right?

Swapna: Long, luscious locks.

Rebecca: The horse connection.

Preeti: Ride or die. In it to win it. Etc.

Rebecca: Look, I'm just saying the Rohirrim are super tuned into their horses. Not that I'm saying they schtup their horses. But I think they'd be un-shy and uninhibited about sex. Aragorn would not be uninhibited, ever.

Swapna: I can rule the Rohirrim.

Swapna: And teach all the little girls to be Shieldmaidens, while Eomer's off doing his Rohirrim thing. Aragorn would be all in your sh*t all the time.

Preeti: Aragorn would be so on.

Preeti: Totally.

Rebecca: Aragorn would start crying.

Swapna: Yes.

Rebecca: “Arwen..... Arwennnnnnnnnnn."

Preeti: He'd be like, "I am the King of Kings."

Swapna: He’d be all sensitive and want your input. And you’d be like just make a goddamn decision. Or, like I tell my husband sometimes, "please just have an opinion."

Rebecca: Elrond would pop his head in mid-way through. Give him some tips.

Preeti: OMG no.

Rebecca: Hand him a sword. Give him some tips. About his sword.

Preeti: I mean, I guess. If it makes him better.

Swapna: Anduril, FLAME OF THE WEST.

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Preeti: …Oof. That face, though. I'm back in.

Rebecca: It's a real good face.

Preeti: Bring it on, Elrond. Make him better. With his sword. I will reap the benefits. You have my sword.

Swapna: I'll take your sword.


Round 2: Arwen, Galadriel, Eowyn

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Preeti: Oh, f*ck. Okay.

Swapna: Oh, jeez.

Preeti: Kill Eowyn, marry Arwen, frak Galadriel.

Rebecca: Marry Eowyn. Kill Arwen. Frak Galadriel. I need a long-term partner I can make dick jokes with. And I can't make dick jokes with Elves. They don't seem the type.

Preeti: That's fair.

Swapna: I’m stuck.

Preeti: I feel like Eowyn would just... be around. All. The. Time.

Swapna: I’m going to change it up to be interesting: frak Eowyn, kill Arwen, marry Galadriel.

Rebecca: I'm reasonably certain frakking Galadriel would kill me. Still would, though.

Preeti: Oh yeah, she'd murder us. You are very brave.

Rebecca: Marrying Galadriel, on the other hand, seems chill. Celeborn doesn't have to do much (in the movies) besides stand behind her and look pretty. You get to borrow her hair care products.

Preeti: I feel like it'd be so intense. All the time. DARK QUEEN this and DARK QUEEN that.

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Swapna: But she’d be off doing her Elf things. And then I could rule Lothlorien.

Rebecca: The world's scariest sugar momma.

Swapna: I can let her do the hard stuff.

Preeti: Yeah, for real.

Rebecca: EYYYYYYY.

Swapna: And then I'd just stand beside her and say, "look at my hair."

Preeti: I’d frak Galadriel, because I feel like she'd be amazing once. But any more and I'd die. Of awesome power.

Swapna: I feel like Eowyn would be pretty good in the sack? She’s feisty.

Preeti: Yeah, but like I said, I feel like she'd just... always be there. Following me into battle, etc. I like my space.

Swapna:  Well, that’s why I wouldn’t marry Eowyn.

Rebecca: Eowyn can't cook. And I can't cook. So neither of us could cook.

Preeti: You'd starve.

Rebecca: Do they have canned soup in Middle Earth?

Preeti: I’d marry Arwen because A) I'd be super into the conversations we'd have, and B) I feel like she's into her own sh*t. 

Swapna: Arwen is very blah to me. I'd get bored.

Preeti: Hard disagree, Swapna.

Swapna: Though she has a fab wardrobe, and I’d be sad to lose her dresses.

Rebecca: I gotta go with Swapna on this one. 

Preeti: Also, Arwen knows medicine, so I wouldn't need healthcare. Which is a big plus.

Rebeca: Eowyn just seems like so much more fun.

Swapna: She’d be all like, "There is no ship now that can bear me hence." And I’d be like, "Shut up, Arwen."

Preeti: Or she'd be like, "Oh, do you have a headache? Don't worry, I can handle that."

Rebecca: It's all portents and sh*t with Arwen.You could never just chill and watch Hoarders with her.

Preeti: I feel like she'd be super chill!

Swapna: Although, she could bring me back to life across great distances,
which might come in handy.

Preeti: I’m all in on Arwen. All in.

Rebecca: We're not agreeing on any of these! But we have another shot.


Round 3: Frodo, Sam, Merry/Pippin (Mippin)

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Swapna: Marry Sam, kill Frodo, frak Mippin.

Preeti: Frak Mippin, marry Sam, kill Frodo.

Rebecca: Same. It's unanimous!

Preeti: Because Frodo can STFU.

Swapna: His One Ring manpain.

Rebecca: Marry Sam. Obviously. He'll treat you right.

Preeti: Straight up. And obviously, you gotta have some fun.

Rebecca: Frodo, he's been through some stuff and I don't blame him for being affected by the Ring, but: wet blanket. Mippin: Hobbit threesome.

Swapna: Yes. Agree. Plus, they'll bring beer to your Hobbit threesome.

Rebecca: And pot!

Swapna: Yes!

Preeti: Although, I want to say that I do deeply love Elijah Wood and would never wish him harm for all the glistening tears in the world.

Swapna: Agree, Preeti. I love Elijah Wood. But by the end of those movies Frodo was deep into his sh*t.

Rebecca: And Merry and Pippin might be the perfect height for... some......... stuff..............

Preeti: Yeah. Stuff. Like, uh... 

Rebecca: Stuff.

Preeti: You know.

Rebecca: We're classy ladies.

Preeti: Good stuff. Great stuff.

Swapna: Ents be damned.

Rebecca: Stuff and things, Rick from The Walking Dead style.


Round 4: Grima, Gollum, Saruman

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Rebecca: Like hell there's a character whose last name is Wormtongue and we're not gonna include him.

Preeti: Oh, God. I mean, frak Grima, because "Wormtongue." Marry Saruman. Kill Gollum.

Swapna: This is terrible. Marry Saruman. Frak Grima. Kill Gollum.

Rebecca: You know what? I'm gonna bust this party up. I would marry Gollum. Yeah, I said it.

Preeti: Oh, SH*T.

Swapna: WHAT?

Preeti: Wait. Gollum or Smeagol? Because maybe the latter I could see.

Swapna: WHY?

Rebecca: Kill Grima ‘cause he's skeezy. Frak Saruman 'cause he's seen some sh*t. He knows things. Also, he’s Christopher Lee, so you’re frakking Dracula.

Preeti: Dang.

Swapna: You are daring.

Preeti: That is some realness.

Swapna: I am impressed.

Rebecca: Gollum will look after your wedding rings. You don't have to worry about it. He'll catch fish for you.

Preeti: But he won't let you wear your ring. And you can never eat potatoes.

Swapna: And he’ll eat the fish raw in front of you.

Preeti: Not boiled. Not mashed. No stews. I can't give up potatoes.

Rebecca: Look, I'm not saying it's perfect.

Swapna: He’ll kill critters.

Rebecca: And, admittedly, having to walk your husband around on a leash is a little weird. But he'd be good to you.

Preeti: Not necessarily!

Rebecca: Up until he bites off a digit.

Preeti: I guess if he uses that digit right, though... Sorry. I'm mad that I said that.

Rebecca: Preeti.

Preeti: I regret it.