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Frak Marry Kill: Queer women of comics edition

Contributed by
Jul 30, 2020

Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, queers talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.

I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a post about FANGRRLS' Animal Crossing cosplay party! For everyone else, game on!

For our latest installment, Team FANGRRLS is setting their swooning sights on queer women in comics! Oh, and because we don't truck with any Bury Your Gays nonsense in this house, the K in FMK will be standing for "Kindly Show the Door with a Gift Basket." Not as violent and equally as dismissive!

Credit: DC

Round 1: Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, and Catwoman

Clare: My friends, we have before us some of the baddest bisexuals in Gotham.

Sara: OK so here's my thing: I am Ivy. I am her. I would marry her if I weren't her or if I were a plant human hybrid clone she created. But I'm not. So I'm going to marry Harley. I'm going to make the worst choice and marry Harls.

S.E.: I'm going to marry Ivy because I am already married to a nonbinary Ivy.

Clare: Harley and I are way too similar, so I know Ivy will be GOOD FOR ME. And I will spend a night with Catwoman that will be A. Expensive and B. Haunting in the Best Way.

Sara: Catwoman would not marry nor allow one to kindly show the door so frak it is!

S.E.: Can I have a threesome? I'm gonna kindly show Catwoman the door to my house. I mean, to my bedroom.

Clare: She already knows how to get into your house, she's Catwoman.

Sara: And she will enter through the skylight to prove a point.

S.E.: I think as messy as Harley is… she's a lot of fun.

Sara: Harley is very fun and she is sadly my wife. I who hates fun

Clare: Sara, can you handle being married to someone who has annual passes to a theme park?

Sara: How could I not? Beloved clown.

Clare: BELOVED CLOWN. I just see Harley bouncing up to you and you just greeting her with "Yes, my beloved clown."

Sara: There is a light breeze blowing through the house, the curtains rustle, I turn. My beloved clown is here

S.E.: Do... do I ship Sara and Harley?

Clare: You should. They're good for each other!

Sara: We really click. She likes fun, I hate it, it's wild.

S.E.: You make love look easy, you two.

Clare: "What's their secret?" we shall all say, as Sara and her clown wife stroll through town.

Sara: (Jessica Rabbit voice) She makes me laugh!

Clare: I think? Sara won? FMK?

S.E.: I didn't even know you could win!

Clare: WAIT WE'RE NOT DONE.

S.E.: Oh right. Ivy and I would do well because A) I know I am in the presence of greatness B) I am very tolerant to being lectured at length about plants and seeds and how trees talk to each other, etc. C) I understand how sensitive "strong" people are. And I bring some chaos, so that's fun for people like Ivy, right?

Clare: Yeah! Ivy needs a little chaos. She's a very serious woman because her work is serious, so a little chaos is good. I would happily let Ivy lecture me about plant biology if I can wear a big sunhat and breathe with the plants with her.

Sara: Catwoman, meanwhile, who communicates solely in post-it notes, is not without her appeal.

Clare: Oh, certainly. The secretive thrill of receiving your dinner invitation via your shower-steamed mirror.

S.E.: Oh I mean, I'd probably marry Selina, but I don't think she wants that. Can't cage a kitty who wants to be free.

Sara: You saw what happened to Bruce. You saw.

S.E.: All I want is to step out of the shower and have a message from Selina.

Clare: RIGHT? Then I gotta doll up and go to some fancy restaurant I can't afford so we can skip out on the bill together and go on a jewel heist for dessert? It's a life I can't maintain but for one night! A night my plant granddaughters can ask me about and I can be like "Oh, yes, I did know Selina Kyle…" and smile mysteriously and say nothing else.

Sara: Selina has some strict limits against PDA except on rooftops, but definite frak if she doesn't show herself the door before I even complete my first sentence.

S.E.: This is a real tough one. Luckily, I defy all rules and will marry Ivy, frak Harley, and show Catwoman the door to my bedroom where Harley is waiting.

Clare: I marry Ivy, frak Catwoman, and give Harley a gift basket full of Acme gag weapons, because we get each other.

Sara: I'll marry the clown three times. Like the Elizabeth Taylor of comics marriage. I shall marry seven, one of them I shall marry three times.

Credit: 20th Century Fox / Marvel / Disney

Round 2: Mystique, Valkyrie, and Ayo

S.E.: I'm marrying Ayo. Not in the game. In real life.

Sara: Marry Mystique! She wants her wife back and I am here.

Clare: I'm not going to lie. I spend an inordinate amount of time imagining myself as Valkyrie's love interest in the upcoming Thor: Love and Thunder so I must be true to my heart and marry Valkyrie.

S.E.: What is your outfit like?

Clare: BIG. HUGE. SLEEVES.

Sara: This is an upsetting round of three faves. I love comics Valkyrie and movies Valkyrie equally too.

Clare: Always a great time, Valkyrie!

Sara: This requires soul searching. … Nope, marry the activist who sets stuff on fire.

Clare: I feel like I will kindly show Mystique the door because I can't be what she needs.

S.E.: Yeah, I'm kindly showing Mystique the door because I would just piss her off all the time.

Sara: Ugh, I just want to sit in a room glowering at things with her, what a perfect love.

S.E.: I want that for you.

Clare: Kicking over things… emotionally… together… that's beautiful.

Sara: Should I kill this guy babe? Did he piss you off babe? Omg babe not really I just hate his face babe. Well, then you gotta kill him, babe.

Clare: Sitting together in a darkened living room in separate armchairs, holding hands, plotting away.

Sara: Let's time travel to assassinate a senator!

Clare: Mystique is Ride or Die.

Sara: Ride or die but either way murder, which are qualities I look for in a wife.

Clare: Whereas Valkyrie can kick back and relax with a brewski or two.

S.E.: Or 40! You know what, just bring the whole keg.

Sara: Meanwhile, I have NO IDEA who to frak here, like good god. This is an embarrassment of riches.

Clare: I just want to sing bardcore and drink mead and admire my King Valkyrie in a big space medieval gown.

S.E.: This is actually gonna work out because I'll marry Ayo.

Sara: Yeah I guess I would show Val the door so you two could hang out.

S.E.: I'm gonna frak her though.

Sara: Meanwhile... Ayo. I will never forget you, beloved.

Clare: Same over here. Ayo, what we shared was beautiful. But you have to follow your heart, and this nerd ain't it.

S.E.: I could hang out near the Dora Milaje and be like, wow what a bevy of badass babes.

Clare: OH MAN WE COULD ATTEND DORA MILAJE PRACTICE!

S.E.: I'm gonna say only the boss's partner gets to hang out.

Clare: Aw, nertz, okay. It's so hard to choose! So much wife material in one round! But I remain steadfast in both my devotion to Valkyrie and my gift basket for Mystique.

S.E.: Yeah. I like you and Valkyrie together. Good match.

Clare: Thank you, I'll put you down as a reference for my application to the royal wife search.

Sara: I am deceased yet I left prophetic diaries for my wife to unpack for years to come.

Clare: So romantic!

S.E.: Wow. Very thoughtful.

Sara: "Burn Krakoa to the ground Raven. Xavier is punking you."

Credit: Marvel / DC

Round 3: Sera, Dr. Aphra, and Batwoman

Clare: I would have SUCH a good time with Aphra, but it could only be that… a time. We'd go on a great heist stealing back some artifacts and when I realize she means to sell them to the highest bidder I'd be all betrayed and leave… but always remember… and wonder… What could have been…

Sara: Well I was SUPPOSED to marry APHRA. But she did not show up.

S.E.: Oh nooo she K'd you!

Sara: But she sent a holographic communication that said "you up?" last week SO I think we're back on.

S.E.: Sara, noooooo.

Clare: Right, that makes sense.

S.E.: Very different advice from your friends here.

Clare: LOOK STAR WARS IS A VERY PARTICULAR UNIVERSE. If I'm some attaché to a senator and I get that text, I'm like "ooooooh… she's up"

Sara: I ran into Aphra last year and she looked at me and said "where did WE go wrong?" Then she got a text and was like hang on I gotta take this. Then she went to the bathroom and never came back. But she left me a button that said "Bee mine" with a picture of a bee on it. So I think we're back on.

S.E.: I was already gonna kindly show Aphra the (airlock) door, but now I might give her a wee shove.

Sara: Anyway I'm kindly showing Batwoman the door, everyone gasps, that's right Batwoman! You're all of the ghosting of Aphra and zero the fun!

Clare: Look. I could frak either Aphra or Batwoman, but Aphra knows Darth Vader SO ENJOY YOUR TRUFFLES KATE.

Sara: BYE KATE RETURN MAGGIE'S TEXTS U JERK

Clare: "Wow, Kate, that was so fun… TEXT YOUR GIRLFRIEND BACK." What version of Kindly Show The Door includes lecturing them about being a better partner?

Sara: Renee is like hey and Kate's like hi hey hellooooo.

Clare: Kate, stop being the meme! Maggie… you deserve the world…

S.E.: For a night? I'm gonna enjoy some time with a vigilant redhead.

Sara: Meanwhile frak Sera like omg. If milady would have me...

S.E.: I'm gonna marry Sera any chance I get.

Clare: Yes, of course, I'm 100% marrying Sera!

S.E.: I mean, can I live up to Angela the giant Asgardian with sentient ribbons? Maybe…

Clare: S.E., I think you can.

Sara: Angela is like off-planet a lot though.

Clare: I think Sera doesn't see it as "THE BAR IS THIS HIGH." I think Sera sees you and is like "I /see/ you," know what I mean?

S.E.: Don't make me cry.

Clare: LOOK I'M JUST SAYING SERA IS A GREAT SUPPORTIVE PARTNER.

S.E.: That is very much Sera and that is why I love her.

Clare: KATE ARE YOU TAKING NOTES???

Sara: KATE.

Clare: KATE! WAKE UP! YOU COULD LEARN A LOT FROM THIS!

S.E.: Kate is in the corner texting Renee.

Sara: And Aphra—where did Aphra go?

Sara: Aphra was just here. She'll probably be back.

S.E.: Me and Sera are just shaking our heads, holding hands.

Sara: This is the emotionally unavailable round except Sera. Sera please marry us all.

S.E.: Help us Sera. You're our only hope!

Clare: For secure attachment-style relationships!

Sara: Sorry I just got a text from Aphra, she says someone just gave her a car and an apartment, isn't that wild, anyway gotta go!

Clare: Sara!! Oh my God, Kate's bad decision making is infectious.

S.E.: Maybe I will kindly show both Batwoman and Aphra the door and frak and marry Sera. I'll probably get my ass kicked but Sera will nurse me back to health.

Clare: Because she knows it was the RIGHT thing to do.

S.E.: We're basically in The English Patient.

Sara: (watches Aphra fly away in a space ship) Well I guess I can stay for one more drink.

S.E.: What I like about you Sara is that you have boundaries.

Clare: Usually planetary ones.

Sara: It don't mean a thing if you don't have those Rings of Saturn.

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