Frak, Marry, Kill: Stranger Things 2 edition

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Nov 7, 2017, 1:59 PM EST (Updated)

Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.

I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a post about Carrie Fisher and space bling. For everyone else, game on!

We loved Stranger Things 2. Which got us thinking. What if we could really looooooove Stranger Things 2 [wink, nudge, wiggly eyebrows of "get it get it get it I mean like the sex kind"]? For this strange edition of FMK, we broke it down into hot teen boys, hot dad figures, and hot moms. Our answers will surprise you—they certainly surprised us.


Round 1: Jonathan, Steve, Billy

Heather: 100% I kill Billy. He’s got no style and he’s like abusive.

Courtney: Straight up I am marrying Steve.

Rebecca: SAME

Heather: AGREED

Courtney: And we will adopt Dustin and his mom and Mews 2.0 and raise them all as our own.

Rebecca:  Frak Jonathan, marry Steve, kill Billy.

Courtney: Kill Billy just so hard. Drown him in his own chest grease.

Rebecca: Though tbh I kind of want to kill Jonathan, too, as he had some creepy stalker issues that season 2 kinda dropped.

Heather: Yeah I agree with Rebecca. Jonathan is SO creepy,  even when he’s being sorta sweet.

Courtney: Yeah, Jonathan gives me the "nice guy" skeeves.

Rebecca: Season 2 tried to make me invested in the Nancy-Jonathan relationship and it's like I JUST DO NOT CARE.

Courtney: It was all worth it for that pullout joke though.

Heather: So I guess I’ll just frak Jonathan

Rebecca: You know what? I'm gonna be bold here. And change my mind.

Courtney: Frak Billy? I mean...I get it. And so can he.

Rebecca: Frak Billy, marry Steve, kill Jonathan. As long as you double-bag Billy's junk, I feel like he could give you a good time. And then you never see him again. Jonathan would be TERRIBLE in bed.

Heather: Billy does have a lot of rage that could be appealing

Rebecca: Imagine yanking on that greasy mullet. HORK.

Courtney: I feel like Jonathan would cry during.

Rebecca: Jonathan absolutely would cry.

Heather: Jonathan has no idea what he’s doing. To be honest, Steve might not either but he’d be adorable so I’d forgive him

Rebecca: Jonathan cannot keep it up. Whereas Billy, as is established #canonically, has a great ass.

Rebecca: Jonathan would get clingy.

Courtney: Jonathan's junk is a poem and it's a haiku.

Rebecca: LOLOL

Courtney: Remember that scene in Van Wilder where Kal Penn slides off the girl he's trying to have sex with? That would be sex with Billy though. So oily.

Rebecca: Just cover him with some baby powder. you're good. I love how we're all on the "definitely marry Steve" train. He's great with kids!  You’d get to share in his Farrah Fawcett hair products!

Heather: We could share all of the items in the shower.

Courtney: Real truths: I was on that train last year too. I was early to the pro-Steve contingent.

Rebecca: Me too! He started some real character development in the latter half of season 1. Steve Harrington has been the tits for a WHILE.

Courtney: Tommy and Carol were the worst parts of Steve and once he dropped them, WE'RE GOOD.

Heather: But guys Steve is a terrible writer. We’d have to teach him.

Rebecca: To write...with his junk.

Courtney: I will tutor him HAPPILY.

Heather: Tutor him on our honeymoon. :wink:

Courtney: I learned that Joe Keery used to live in Chicago and I wondered if we lived there around the same time until I remembered he's 25 and I might as well be Nancy's mom to him at this point because I'm 32 and DECREPIT.

Rebecca: We know from the end of season 2 that if you really assert your authority with Billy, he turns docile. I'm JUST SAYING. (Consensually, of course.) (Talkin' bout kinky sh*t.)

Courtney:  Fifty Shades of Mullet

Rebecca: I feel so dirty even considering this.

Courtney:  Like literally. Literally I feel oily. I can smell the Marlboro Reds emanating from his sex pores.


Courtney: That would burn upon entry.

Heather: OUCH.

Rebecca: But then I consider sex with Jonathan and i just feel dead inside

Heather: Yeah sex with Jonathan makes me feel sad. I’m slowly considering not killing Billy.

Rebecca: Billy doesn't come off looking TOO bad in comparison

Heather: I am now intrigued

Rebecca: come to the frak billy side of the force, Heather!

Courtney: How was it easier for us to decide to frak Freddy Krueger than Jonathan Byers?

Rebecca: I would rather frak Freddy Krueger than Jonathan Byers.

Courtney: So are we agreed then. Marry Steve, frak Billy and cast Jonathan to the Upside Down with Barb?

Heather: Barb is dead but yeah.

Courtney: Jonathan will be too because we killed him with feelings.

Rebecca: Bye-bye, jonathan!

Heather: Boi bye.


Round 2: Hopper, Bob, Mr. Clarke

Courtney: This is hard for me.

Rebecca: Eyyyyyyyy.

Heather: I would bang them all

Rebecca: Yeah really. I don't want to kill any of them! But if I had to: frak Hopper, marry Bob, kill Mr Clarke.

Heather: I think I’ll marry Bob

Courtney: I mean Bob is already dead and doing it again feels like overkill. I def think marry Bob and move to Maine.

Heather: Kill Mr. Mustache Clarke and frak Hopper.

Rebecca: Hopper, for all that he's learning by the end of the season, isn’t really all that great with cohabitation or having a healthy family situation. He’s kind of a dick. A dick who I want to frak. But a dick.

Courtney: But I bet he's good with it.

Rebecca: REAL good

Heather: Hopper has moves too. We’ve seen him dance.

Courtney: Put on some Jim Croce and turn me Upside Down, Hops.

Rebecca: Ooh yeah.

Courtney: Also I bet there's still candy left.

Rebecca: But Mr. Clarke! He's nice, and also we know from season 1 that he had a really hot girlfriend. I bet he has moves. Sex moves.

Heather: He’s also a scientist so.

Rebecca: …Will y'all kill me if I say marry Mr. Clarke and kill Bob Newby, Superhero? Because here's the thing. Bob is SO clingy and I'm not about that in a life partner.

Heather: He kept showing up at the house.

Courtney: He wouldn't take a hint to take his brain teasers and go.

Rebecca: He's the nicest guy, but I know that just a few weeks living together I'd want to punch him.

Heather: Bob is a puppy dog.

Rebecca: I feel like if he dies in a self-sacrifice situation, like he did in the show, that would be OK.

Courtney: "I love you but you make me feel embarrassed and socially uncomfortable by existing" is such a thing you'd feel all the time.

Rebecca: You would! And then I could frak Hopper and marry Mr. Clarke and float down the river of sexual knowledge.

Courtney: I mean, Bob taught Mr. Clarke everything he knows. You're getting the best of both of them.

Rebecca: And yeah, Bob's such a puppy dog. I'd feel more chemistry with Mr Clarke than him. And that's important for a marriage, I gather.

Courtney: And honestly I feel like Bob would understand. Like he'd support this decision.

Heather: Bob wouldn’t even hold it against you. Mr. Clarke does have a sense of humor.

Rebecca: He does! And he's good with kids.

Heather: He also believes in science. All good things.

Rebecca: He goes with the flow. You can call him up at any hour of the night. He'll be there for you. He's not as embroiled in Hawkins' shenanigans, so he probably won't die. Bob Newby would end every sexual encounter with "I hope it didn't suck!"

Courtney: Also Bob works at Radio Shack and we know his job security isn't great.

Heather: Mr. Clarke watched TV with his girlfriend a lot in season 1 and that’s my favorite activity

Rebecca: That was a hot girlfriend, too!

Heather: I like that I can just always call him Mr. Clarke. It feels like the 1950s.

Rebecca:Look at that SEXUAL DYNAMO.


Courtney: BUILT-IN BOOKSHELVES? Okay, marrying Clarke officially.


Rebecca: Dad jeans make me so hot. OK, so I'm officially frak Hopper, marry Mr. Clarke, kill Bob Newby, Superhero.

Courtney: With you on this. I'm sorry, Bob.

Rebecca: RIP, Bob

Courtney: [Bob as he dies eaten alive] I get it, it's OK. Have a good time! Wear a rubber! Haha, that's just a joke but seriously there's nothing funny about the sexual transmission of infections.

Heather: I am gonna still kill Mr. Clarke. But now I feel terrible about it.

Rebecca: But we are all agreed on Hopper.



Round 3: Joyce Byers, Karen Wheeler, Terri Ives (Eleven's Rocking Chair Mom)

Courtney: Look, Mrs. Wheeler is just out here to have a good time.

Heather: I feel bad killing Rocking Chair Mama but that’s too much drama for me. I can’t emotionally support that.

Courtney: I get headaches very easily so that lighting sh*t would be a bother.

Rebecca: Yeah. I assume we're talking about Rocking Chair Mama before all the lab stuff went down? Otherwise we're looking at some weird sort of dream state tryst and I'm not sure of the rules there. I don't trust it.

Courtney: Hmm, this is true. Because I'd have to go kill post-lab stuff but before, like she's getting sh*t done. But she was also super trigger happy. Like she didn't NEED to shoot that security guy.

Heather:  Oh yeah true. The dream state thing could be hot though.

Rebecca: You know that Mr. Wheeler is the worst in bed of any Stranger Things characters. So Mrs. Wheeler has some pent-up urges, as evidenced by her Boy Next Door moment with Billy. She'd be wild.

Courtney: You know me and you know I only love two things in this world: wine and bubble baths and she checks BOTH those things off the list.

Heather: Frak Joyce for sure

Rebecca: I'm not frakking nobody in the dream state. I'm not risking getting caught in the Upside Down for some tail. I don't care HOW good it is.

Courtney: See I think I'm marrying Joyce and frakking Mrs. Wheeler. Because Mrs. Wheeler supports Reagan and I just can't bring that level of political discourse into a marriage. But I can definitely bring into the bedroom.

Heather: Joyce has got so much energy and determination. She wouldn’t give up until everyone was happy.

Rebecca: Frak Mrs. Wheeler, marry Joyce, kill Rocking Chair Mama. Marrying Joyce comes with some heavy-duty emotional baggage, but I'd find Mrs. Wheeler so BORING. And character specifics aside, if I have the chance to be married to Winona Ryder, it's not like I'm going to NOT take it

Courtney: I feel the same way about Joyce as I do actual Winona. She's delicate and only I can protect her.

Heather: Ugh do I frak Winona or marry her?!? This is the toughest decision I’ll face today. This week maybe

Rebecca: This is a toughie because you get two step-kids with either Wheeler or Joyce. Mrs. Wheeler's step-kids are definitely more low-maintenance.

Courtney: That's true and I do like the Wheeler kids way better than the Byers kids. And I want to protect them from becoming either of their parents.

Heather: Yeah it might come down to the fact that Will and Jonathan are SO MUCH. And Mrs. Wheeler seems like she knows how to treat yo self.

Courtney: This might be a marriage that is more about saving the children than anything else.

Rebecca: Parenting Will might just be too much. I’ll be his cool aunt, but not his step-mom

Heather: Nancy and Mike are still salvageable as humans.

Rebecca: If I marry Winona, I'm coming between my Joyce/Hopper OTP.

Courtney: That's very true. I don't want to get in the way of their true love.

Rebecca: Damn, this is unexpected the toughest one.

Heather: Also Mr. Wheeler seems terrible so maybe I wanna save Mrs. Wheeler.

Courtney: I bet she's only republican because her husband is.

Rebecca: What if Mrs. Wheeler was an ex-hippie wild flower child? And you could BRING THAT SIDE OUT OF HER.

Heather: So I’ll just Frak Joyce and Hopper.


Heather: Obviously. I think we’d all be interested.

Rebecca: If there's the option to have a threesome with Joyce and Hopper, I am DEFINITELY saying frak Joyce, marry Mrs. Wheeler, kill Rocking Chair Mama.

Courtney: Wow this really did take a turn I didn't expect.

Heather: Mrs. Wheeler has some long-term potential as a life partner for me

Rebecca: Plus you know Mrs. Wheeler would be off with you doing your own thing. Because the current Mr. Wheeler is basically in his own world all the time. She wouldn't be clingy.

Courtney: Additionally she would probably be into joining for the frakking Billy.

Rebecca: Threesomes all around!

Heather: So. Many. Threesomes.

Rebecca: I bet she'd be into some weird sex, too. I changed my mind on ALL THREE OF THESE.

Courtney: Threesomes and chardonnay. Like this is the life I am choosing.

Heather: In a bath?


Rebecca: Mrs. Wheeler can lend you her hot rollers.

Heather: And a romance novel

Courtney: That's a great robe too. We could get matching ones.

Rebecca: So I am Frak: Billy, Joyce, Hopper. Marry: Mrs Wheeler, Mr. Clarke, Steve. Kill: Bob Newby, Superhero; Rocking Chair Mama; Jonathan

Courtney: Are we unanimous on all three?

Heather: I am gonna marry Bob. But other than that yes

Courtney: I think we just discovered world peace.

Rebecca: With Joyce, I am going to be her best friend and we get a little too drunk one night and have a one-night stand.

Courtney: Like we're going to be best friends who just decide to TRY IT. Billy would actually also fall into the category of "get a little drunk and decide to just try it" but man I'd feel gross the next day. And during.

Rebecca: Take every shower.

Heather: With Joyce it could be best friends with benefits.

Rebecca: And it’s awkward for a few days but then we get over it and go back to being besties, secure in the knowledge that a friendship is more emotionally healthy for us than a long-term relationship, which would be difficult for us both.

Heather: She would be an intense friend but I’m willing to make that sacrifice.

Rebecca: But marriage is a whole different level of commitment. You come home and she's strewn some other weird thing about the house, and you just have to be like...OKAY??!??!?!!

Courtney: I really don't do well with clutter. And that's just a lot of wasted paper.

Heather: Joyce would not consult me on her decoration decisions if we were married. And that’s a dealbreaker.

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