Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.
I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a post about all the times Lois Lane tried to trick Superman into marriage. For everyone else, game on!
Superman is nearing his 80th birthday. In honor of our favorite senior citizen of steel, we decided to examine his many forms and determine what would be the best use of said form. Which of Superman's most well-known actors—from animation to TV to film and a few weird wildcards—would we frak, marry, or kill? Let the games begin.
Round 1—Voice Supes: Tim Daly (Superman: The Animated Series), Kyle MacLachlan (Justice League: The New Frontier), Channing Tatum (The Lego Batman Movie)
Sarah: This is already tough.
Cher: Marry Tim Daly so Tyne can be my SIL. Because who doesn't wanna hang out with Cagney. Or was she Lacey? I always forget.
Courtney: Also marry Tim Daly so Steven Weber can be my fictional BIL. Because guys? I love Wings.
Cher: Tim Daly WAS SO HOT IN WINGS
Courtney: HE WORE A BOMBER JACKET AND FLEW A PLANE. SO HOT.
Cher: Kill Kyle and, DUH, frak Channing because HELLO HAVE YOU SEEN HIM DANCE??
Sarah: I'm going to have to go with Marry CTates because we know from Jenna Dewan-Tatum’s Insta that he is willing to go the extra mile for the good light.
Courtney: But also? Kyle MacLachlan can eternally get it.
Sarah: Yeah, Frak Kyle MacLachlan into next year.
Cher: Kyle doesn't do it for me. I picture him saying “alrighty” like in Sex and the City when he finished.
Courtney: I will always be ready and willing to serve him up a slice. WINK NUDGE SOMETHING ABOUT LOG LADY.
Sarah: So sorry Wings, but you're kill't.
Courtney: I never thought I'd be in a position to kill Channing Tatum. The charmingest potato ever there was. And yet, I think here we are. LATER TATER.
Sarah: See! Already so tough!
Cher: I’d frak Channing to that song he dances to in Magic Mike. "PONY," BABY.
Courtney: I mean, in fairness, Jenna might be the hottest one in that marriage anyway.
Cher: I’d frak Jenna to "Pony" too, tbh.
Courtney: Marry Tim, frak Kyle, kill Channing, leave Tim, marry Jenna. EVERYONE WINS.
Sarah: The perfect solution. Also, I assume the perfect crime, because you have obviously killed CTates in this scenario to get to Jenna.
Cher: I ship it, btw.
Courtney: I mean you have to break some eggs to make a Dewa-melet.
Cher: Don't make me fire you in public, Court.
Round 2—TV Supes: Dean Cain (The New Adventures of Lois & Clark), Tom Welling (Smallville), Tyler Hoechlin (Supergirl)
Courtney: Okay, first of all we kill Dean Cain.
Cher: Kill Dean Cain. BUH BYE
Sarah: More like Dead Cain.
Cher: Tyler Hoechlin can get it. And marry Tom, but it would be a sexless marriage because I’d be schtoopin’ Hoechlin. More like Tyler HOEEE-YEAAAAH-chlin. *kool-aid burst thru wall*
Courtney: Yeah that's the thing—is frak a one-time fraksicle? Or would he be a delicious eternal side piece? Because if it's on the regs, FRAK HOECHLIN.
Sarah: Yeah, married to Tom Welling and frakking Tyler Hoechlin on the side seems like a lifetime achievement.
Courtney: Tom Welling would be a good marrytype. He'd have... a lot of feelings though. A lot of pensive staring.
Sarah: But he can also chop wood and other things.
Courtney: He might make you watch Cheaper by the Dozen sometimes.
Cher: Can it be a long distance marriage because he seems like he's a lot of work, and I’d rather put that effort into something else, like frakking Tyler.
Sarah: Wait has anyone even seen Tom Welling recently? Do we know where he's at, is this a Brendan Fraser situation?
Courtney: He's on Lucifer. Which I do not watch.
Cher: And he def looks like he’s that dad at the parent-teacher night that sneaks off to get stoned behind the gym without his wife knowing.
Sarah: Hmm. Revised opinion. Frak Tom Welling one and done and marry Tyler Hoechlin FOR LIFE.
Courtney: I can't just sit there with him and wait for Cheaper by the Dozen 3: Baker's Dozen to call. One-night with Welling and a lifetime of that Hoechlin life. And none for Dead Cain.
Round 3—Movie Supes: Christopher Reeve, Brandon Routh, Henry Cavill
Courtney: Marry Brandon Routh. It's just how I feel.
Cher: I mean…tbh, IDK if marrying Reeves is a good idea because we know how that ends up.
Cher: Too soon?
Courtney: Routh is very funny and handsome AND AN UNDERRATED SUPERMAN.
Cher: He was THE BEST SUPES. I will junkpunch anyone who says otherwise. Marry Brandon who was completely unappreciated, as was that movie.
Courtney: Christopher Reeve was a very method artist type and I'm sorry I can't be around that. WONDERFUL PERSON, RIP. BUT.
Sarah: I agree, marry Brandon Routh because he actually seems like a nice, regular person who just happens to be very handsome.
Cher: Frak Cavill but only if we’re talking Tudors-era Cavill. If he channels that part of himself, we gucci.
Courtney: Nah I'm killing Cavill. Because even literally putting these categories together, even though this is literally my job, I could not remember his name. I thought he was named Tom for a minute.
Sarah: I'm going frak Reeves and kill Cavill. He's so boring, you know it would be boring.
Cher: But like, I don't know, Cavill BROUGHT THE SEX in Tudors.
Courtney: He is the Sam Worthington of attractive people.
Sarah: This is a devastating blow to Sam Worthington.
Cher: I always forget Sam Worthington is a thing
Courtney: Sam Worthington = The Silence from Doctor Who
Cher: Like I feel like we already have Jeremy Renner and Tom Hardy and Worthington seems like a watered down version of both?
Sarah: I'm pretty sure Joel Edgerton fought Sam Worthington to the death and that's why Joel is now a thing and Sam is MIA.
Cher: Lets examine the Cavill Tudors evidence.
Sarah: For real, WAS Cavill sexy on The Tudors, or was it just Gabrielle Anwar projecting her superior hotness everywhere? I maintain it's Anwar who is super hot and sexy and Cavill is just soaking up her glow.
Cher: That’s fair. I’d still test it out, though. At least once.
Sarah: I stand by my call. Frak Reeves, marry Routh, and kill Cavill.
Courtney: That scene was hot. But Cavill’s still dead. I can't kill Reeves twice; that's overkill.
Cher: I appreciate that somehow Courtney managed to make my Reeves joke look good by comparison.
Round 4—Wildcard Supes: Nicolas Cage (Tim Burton's aborted Superman Lives project), Ben Affleck (as George Reeves in Hollywoodland), Henry Cavill’s CGI upper lip in Justice League
Sarah: Well, obviously, this is only going way.
Cher: KILL AFFLECK
Courtney: OR WAS HE MURDERED. That's a Hollywoodland joke, people.
Sarah: Frak Cavill's Digi face, for science, marry Nicolas Cage, and kill Ben Affleck (and his hideous tattoo).
Cher: That tattoo alone is grounds for divorce. Kill him for the bullshit he put Jenifer Garner through and for ruining Batman.
Courtney: I do like the idea of frakking just Cavill's upper lip. Like…logistics. Is it attached? Detached? We do not know.
Sarah: No, I want the whole Digi Face in on it. I want to see how it all moves. Does it move? Or does it just hold that one position?
Courtney: It does not move. It is still. And his eyes are like that the whole time, unblinking, just looking at you.
Sarah: This is what sex robots will look like.
Cher: That lip looks like if a sex robot got collagen.
Cher: And marry Nic Cage because he’s a Coppola and I want to hang with Talia Shire.
Courtney: Now, a query. If we're marrying Superman Cage, are we just marrying the image of him in the costume? Like long stringy hair and padding?
Sarah: No, you have to take on the full Nic Cage experience.
Cher: I don’t know if anyone can handle the FULL Nic Cage Experience ™.
Courtney: So long stringy hair and padding but he also bought a dinosaur just ‘cause?
Sarah: Okay but he outbid Leo DiCaprio for that dinosaur. (I image them both at all the world's exotic luxury auctions. I imagine they hate each other. They are fierce competitors.)
Courtney: Leo's all "I will buy this tiger BECAUSE OF THE ENVIRONMENT" and Nic is like "HE WILL BE MY PET, MY SON, WE WILL MELD MINDS"
Cher: I’d marry Nic Cage just to meet his biker brother's biker cat.
Sarah: OTTO COPPOLA
Cher: Like that ALONE is worth marrying him
Courtney: But the stepson...
Sarah: Is that Kal-El?
Cher: He has two sons, right? Weston is the older one. WHY DO I KNOW THIS MUCH ABOUT NIC CAGE?
Sarah: Because he has infiltrated all culture.
Cher: I guess it’s only fitting since we’re getting married. Aw, this is kind of a cute pic.
Courtney: Weston still looks murdery.
Sarah: WHY DOES SNOOPY ONLY HAVE ONE EYE
Courtney: Weston ate it.
Cher: I mean, tbh…Weston isn't hard to look at in that pic.
Courtney: Sh*t, Cher is going to start banging her stepson.
Cher: LIKE, IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHO HE WAS OR ABOUT HIS GOTH CLOWN PHASE.
Sarah: Everyone has an embarrassing goth phase. Let Weston live.
Courtney: OK, but you're going to just let these curtain bangs exist?
Sarah: He looks like Chris Gaines.
Cher: OMG CHRIS GAINES. I’m done. Goodnight.