Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.
I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course, you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a post about Mary Poppins Returns. For everyone else, game on!
It's no secret we at FANGRRLS have gotten very into The Last Kingdom. And only partially because of all the male bathing (admittedly it's maybe 60-40). But as long as they're giving us the goods, it's only natural that we would play our favorite game.
Round 1: Kingly Types - Uhtred, Alfred, Aethelwold
Courtney: Right off the bat, Aethelwold has problematic hair and should die for this alone.
Jessica: He's also the kind of dude who laughs at his own jokes. Ladies, you know what that means.
Alyssa: Whatever the opposite of BDE is, Aethelwold has it.
Courtney: Bowl Cut Energy.
Alyssa: However, Alfred absolutely cries during sex and would probably make you pray for your sins after.
Courtney: Look, I'll state the obvious: Alfred really wants to eat some meat. I say let him. See how it goes.
Jessica: He'd definitely finish shouting a Hail Mary, which, I assume, is a real mood killer for the woman. His preoccupation with meat is another red flag, sex-wise. No?
Courtney: I mean it would either be a surprisingly good time or an unsurprising death at his hands. One of those.
Alyssa: I think if we're going to assess Alfred's prowess, we should look at his wife. Aethelswith is not a woman who has been satisfied. Probably ever. Someone send that woman a Rabbit because she needs to chill the hell out and Alfred is not getting the job done.
Jessica: An orgasm would go a long way for many of these pious medieval types, tbh.
Courtney: I mean I know we're all defaulting to Uhtred in one way or another here, but per usual we must take a moment to admit that the smell sitch would be not great, Ubba. So many animal skins. River water can only take care of so much.
Jessica: Although Uhtred is the only person I've seen bathe regularly on this show. He seems at least somewhat concerned with his hygiene.
Courtney: He's mostly concerned with getting them nips out and on cam and I'm for it.
Alyssa: That's true. There is an overabundance of pelts, but the show is also very dedicated to giving the people what they want, namely Uhtred emerging naked from ponds.
Jessica: I cannot argue this logic
Alyssa: Another thing to consider about Uhtred, though: his ladies have a tendency to either die or get sent to nunneries.
Jessica: Also, I appreciate that Uhtred only bathes in frigid waters. If I'm going to see man-nips, I want them erect.
Courtney: But do we marry or do we frak? What will secure us the most real estate? That tends to be how we determine these things.
Jessica: I think Alfred is marriage material. Sure, his irregular bowel movements and religion is a real turn off but on the upside, you're queen. Plus, he likes to read. We could all use a man who likes to read.
Courtney: Look, I've got poo issues too. We've all been there.
Alyssa: I agree. Like, at least you're queen. You can stay in your wing of the castle, read some books, ride some horses, maybe start a little garden... that's not so bad.
Jessica: Yeah, I don't mind a grumpy tummy or a vegetarian, but he's got to stop moaning about meat. That's my caveat.
Alyssa: There is also all that pressure to produce an heir, but, again, you get to be queen.
Jessica: And you probably wouldn't have to breastfeed because they have wet nurses for that. Is anyone educated on the mechanics of being a wet nurse, btw?
Alyssa: Shockingly, that is not something I've Googled.
Courtney: I mean, I don't think I want to. I know there's an answer but I don't want it.
Alyssa: I'm fine remaining in the dark.
Jessica: You're right. Best to just accept and move on. Which is probably what Aelswith says everytime she has to bed Alfred.
Courtney: I had a hard enough time doing it with my own kids, I don't want to know it can come back SANS BEBE.
Alyssa: Uhtred is the obvious frak. He knows it. We know it. His undercut knows it. It would be a good time.
Jessica: So Uhtred is the side piece we go to when Alfred can't satisfy and Aethelwold gets the ax right?
Alyssa: I'm ready for Aethelwold to die. He's lived too long already.
Round 2: Ladies Who Deserve Better - Brida, Hild, Aethelflaed
Alyssa: THIS ONE IS DIFFICULT BECAUSE I LOVE THEM ALL
Courtney: There are entirely too many Aethels on this show. And no Aethel Mertz.
Alyssa: I feel like every season, more Aethels are added and it's just a lot.
Come up with some new names, Saxons.
Courtney: Aethelflaed has beautiful hair I want to use as a pillow.
Jessica: This is true. She also has the palest of skin, which apparently is a real turn on with the medieval crowd.
Alyssa: She is quite lovely, plus she is pretty compelling with a knife. If you're into that sort of thing. It's more the vibe behind the knife than the actual knife. I've said too much.
Courtney: I mean I didn't know I was until I knew I was.
Jessica: Well, if knifeplay turns you on, then Brida's your girl right? I mean, she shoves twigs up guys' asses for fun.
Alyssa: I love Brida, but also she scares me. Honestly, if I see myself building a life with someone, it's Hild. Hild will cut off a man's head one second and then nurse you back to health the next. Get you a woman who can do BOTH.
Jessica: Have you ever made it with someone you were just a tiny bit terrified of? I'm truly asking. I have no idea but perhaps, as they say, the thrill ...
Courtney: That's the thing--I'm scared of and turned on by ALL OF THEM.
Alyssa: *insert Mark Me Down As Scared And Horny gif here*
Jessica: Scared and Horny was probably the perpetual state of existence back then.
Alyssa: It's a violent show full of hot people. That feeling makes sense.
Jessica: Well I couldn't kill Hild. God wouldn't forgive me. I wouldn't forgive me. But I also couldn't frak her. So for me, she's wifey status.
Courtney: Yeah I'm definitely marrying Hild.
Alyssa: While I am sadly leaning towards a Kill for Brida, I also do not think she could be killed. Who am I to think that I could defeat her?
Courtney: Alyssa you might have found the cheat. Like if we kill the unkillable, technically we all win.
Jessica: So try to kill Brida knowing you wouldn't succeed? I like it.
Courtney: Unless she kills us back. In which case, oops. But also, what a way to go.
Alyssa: I'd let her kill me. I'm sure she has her reasons.
Jessica: I think, if we were to explain things first, she might understand. But probably not, which is fair. I'd accept death at Brida's hands. Plus, if you're banging Aethelflaed, think of the perks. She's got power, man. An entire army behind her. That's something that could come in handy.
Alyssa: Right. I will GLADLY be her side piece.
Courtney: I'm picturing a giant bang army now. Like bringing in reinforcements midway through. I'm fine with it.
Alyssa: I mean, that's basically the show.
Jessica: Yeah, I feel like Aethelflaed is the kind of ho down for weird sh*t. I like that.
Alyssa: Right. Hild will love me in her own way, but not that way.
Courtney: And Iiiiiiiii want it that way. AE-THEL-FLAED. (you have to sing it in the tune — it works)
Alyssa: Wow, it really does. I don't know what I will do with this knowledge, but I will cherish it.
Jessica: It will serve its purpose when you need it most, Alyssa.
WARNING: This next category contains serious spoilers for The Last Kingdom, including Season 3.
ROUND 3: Dudes Who Deserve Better - Ragnar, Leofric, Finan
Alyssa: Hey, The Last Kingdom: STOP KILLING ALL MY IMAGINARY BOYFRIENDS.
Jessica: I'm going to come right out and say it. I'd frak and marry all three.
Alyssa: Yeah, same. This is a painful category for me. I have to make some difficult choices.
Courtney: I WILL SAY. There are some weird family dynamics on Team Dane. It's the only pause I have re: Ragnar. And Uhtred, tbh. WHY DO NONE OF THESE PEOPLE HAVE ISSUES BANGING ESSENTIALLY THEIR SISTER? Crispified Ragnar the Older, what kind of household?
Alyssa: It's true, but have you seen her other options?
Jessica: Look, Ragnar gets a pass. He left home to plunder and pillage abroad. Brida and Ragnar are basically strangers at this point. I have no defense for Uhtred.
Courtney: And Big Daddy Crispy Deep-Fried Smore of a Ragnar the Older was all "hey, the dirt is pretty comfy so you should plow her like a snowbank."
Alyssa: That is a level of sexual frankness I have never had and hope to never have with either of my parents.
Jessica: I can't even watch a Game of Thrones sex scene with my parents. I could not survive my dad giving me advice on who to bang and how. But back to Ragnar the Younger. This is a man who Brida chose as worthy. She taught him the meaning of consent. These facts cannot be overlooked.
Courtney: I mean that alone makes Ragnar worthy of at least a frak.
Alyssa: See, Ragnar is the kill for me. The wondering dong of Season 3 is a deal breaker. I am insecure. I understand the need for an heir, but I couldn't handle it.
Jessica: True, although, hear me out. It would mean YOU wouldn't have to have a kid. Childbirth was basically a guaranteed killer back then. Plus babies are such work and survival is hard enough as it is. Maybe the wandering dong is a blessing in disguise?
Alyssa: A fair point! But also I really want to marry Leofric and bang the living daylights out of Finan. Sorry, Ragnar.
Jessica: Wait, you want to marry Leofric? He's old. He's a warrior. His time on this Earth is limited. And no one likes a widow in medieval times. What's the long-term plan with him? I mean, frak all you want, but security is key here, Alyssa.
Alyssa: The heart wants what it wants. No one here has a long shelf life. We're all dead by 35. If we're LUCKY.
Courtney: We're all just DOING OUR BEST. WEARING OUR PELTS. EATING OUR MEATS (not you Alfie).
Jessica: True. If the medieval UTI doesn't get you, the contaminated meat will.
Courtney: Man, did they even HAVE cranberry juice back then?
Jessica: Just ale I think. God, thinking of the number of yeast infections alone keeps me up at night.
Alyssa: Surely there's a cranberry bog SOMEWHERE in Wessex. I would never survive back then.
Alyssa: Just reading that sentence makes me want to end it all, Jess.
Jessica: That's why I'd need to marry a man with connections or power. I couldn't survive on Leofric's income. I have certain lifestyle needs. Ragnar may be better equipped to meet those needs.
Alyssa: Idk, man. I like his voice. I like his sense of honor. I feel like he could easily throw me over his shoulder. I'm a simple cavewoman.
Courtney: Isn't there an Aethel we can kill or something? Frankly, this all feels unfair.
Alyssa: Ragnar is always on the road! You are living in a tent 10 months out of the year, at least.
Jessica: But would Leofric need me to undress him every night? All that chain mail. My arms are too weak.
Alyssa: I think he can handle his own chainmail. I'm a wife, not a servant.
Jessica: You say that, but we all know men like to be mothered. Especially men with wives. Especially medieval men with wives.
Alyssa: Ugh TRUE.
Jessica: Honestly, all three of these seem good for frakking and nothing else.
Alyssa: Babies, the lot of them. Finan is 100% frak. Finan would be FUN.
Jessica: Oh, Finan would ruin you for all other men for sure.
Alyssa: But is Finan ready to offer any kind of emotional support? No, ma'am, he is not.
Jessica: But that's not what we're looking for from him. As Coach Taylor would say, we come to this arrangement with clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose. Your purpose is to bang, and only bang.
Alyssa: Exactly. His heart really belongs to Osferth anyway. We would always come in second after the baby monk.
Jessica: True. We offer him our bodies. Nothing more. I think we're going to need Courtney to settle our marry/kill dilemma. We've clearly drawn our battle lines. Alyssa, present your case for Leofric. I'll present my case for Ragnar. Let the ax fall where it may.
Alyssa: I feel like my case has been made. I don't like to share or sleep in tents all the time. Leofric would treat me right and I think I could fix up a little cottage. With a real bed. Plus, Leofric towers over EVERYONE and that is something I am very into because I am very basic.
Jessica: No babies. The promise of travel. A man who respects boundaries and encourages me to raid and conquer to my heart's content. A beard and an undercut. No question, Ragnar is the superior choice.
Alyssa: I think our choices really boil down to what we want out of life: I want a nice little place to live, you want to watch the world burn at your hand. These are both very valid, very different choices.
Courtney: Ladies, you have made excellent cases. But the Court must rule in favor of...Ragnar. Because I too want to burn it all.
Alyssa: Honestly, there are no bad choices here. Even though two of them are dead.
Jessica: Oh god. I forgot they were dead for a sec. Were we judging them post death? Like choosing between Ragnar's corpse and Leofric's?
Courtney: Honestly I think Ragnar's might hold up pretty well. He's sturdy.
Jessica: Yes, but he's buried in the dirt next to a river. That kind of climate will not be kind to his decaying body.
Alyssa: She buried him in a VERY shallow grave. He is at risk from the elements.
Jessica: This could change things for me. If it's dead bodies edition, I'd marry Leofric, then kill Ragnar ... again.
Alyssa: I wouldn't say it was dead bodies edition. Let's remember happier, or at least more alive times.
Jessica: You're right. Better to stick with live bodies for our purposes
Courtney: Yeah I would never make you frak a decaying body. Unless that was the theme. We've made a lot of choices re: mummies.