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Credit: The CW

Frak Marry Kill: The queer Arrowverse edition

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Aug 13, 2020, 3:33 PM EDT (Updated)

Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, queers talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.

I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a post about 13 independent queer comics! For everyone else, game on!

Today, Team FANGRRLS are setting their swooning sights on the queerdos of the Arrowverse! Keep in mind that many of the characters in the Arrowverse are entirely too young for us to consider for this list *cough* Nia Nal *cough*. Oh, and because we don't truck with any Bury Your Gays nonsense in this house, NO ONE GETS KILLED (but they do get a gift basket).

Credit: The CW

Round 1: Sara Lance, John Constantine, Grace Choi

Clare: And a reminder! We do not truck with burying your gays, and therefore we will be Frak, Marry, and Kindly Show the Door, probably with a gift basket of some kind.

SE: Aw, the gift basket is clutch. It's got like snacks and a feather boa.

Clare: And a glittery bath bomb so it's a good thing Constantine knows magic.

Sara: Definitely gonna kindly show the door to Constantine 'cause too much demons.

SE: I don't know if any of Constantine's lovers are still alive, sooooo I'm not gambling on being the first.

Clare: Agreed, Sara. I feel like Constantine just … has a lot going on, except that "a lot" does not cover having a soul.

SE: I'm kindly showing him the door, but also slipping him my number. Actually, I'll probably just meet up with him in Hell later.

Clare: How could I enjoy a picnic or going to the movies if I was worried I'd be gobbled up by demons because I'm hanging out with Constantine? I couldn't. I absolutely couldn't.

Sara: Yeah sorry John your exes are all dead. Except Zatanna. You have to be Zatanna to survive Constantine.

Clare: And who among us is Zatanna? Just Zatanna.

SE: I can't pull off a legless tux.

Sara: She wears that outfit and is an icon. I wear that outfit and I desire a jacket. Please let me wear pants.

Clare: I have real trouble with hats.

Sara: Ugh, only Zatanna. ONLY ZATANNA.

Clare: So sorry, Constantine, I think everybody's showing you the door on this one and telling you to call your ex. Enjoy the truffles in your gift basket!

Sara: Truly you horrible man.

SE: He's flipping us the bird. But his finger is on fire.

Clare: I'm insulted but impressed.

Credit: NBC

SE: Ok, I would frak the frakking frak out of Sara Lance.

Clare: I HAD A FEELING YOU WOULD.

SE: How many posts have I written about wanting to bone that human? (Fact check: at least four.)

Sara: Well, I would normally marry Sara but due to the presence of Grace I will be frakking Sara.

Clare: See, I would also frak Sara, but because I don't see Sara as wife material.

Sara: I do because she is ready to kill all the people which is a quality I look for in a wife.

Clare: I mean, that's certainly a plus.

Sara: Swords? She's got ‘em.

SE: I just think Grace is a better life partner. She's got a solid job at her bookstore, she likes comics, and she has actual powers.

Clare: I just need to be able to tell cool stories about my exciting life and nobody is going to listen to me if Sara's talking about her super rad and violent adventures.

SE: But Sara damn Lance. When she does that salmon ladder? GTFO and then call me.

Sara: It's a very close call because Sara is like a cat that brings you a dead bird and you're like ... thaaaaaanksssss. Which is cute.

Clare: Agreed. Grace has the job, she has normal interests, and she would do a couple's cosplay with me, which is what I look for in a wife.

Sara: Damn I'm literally veering back to marrying Sara.

Clare: Sara you can marry Sara if you want.

SE: Awwww the Saras. "Hey, who'd you hang out with today?" "Oh, just the Saras."

Clare: "Those are the Saras. WATCH OUT FOR ONE OF THEM."

Sara: Hi I'm Sara. This is my wife, Sara. I'm the chill Sara.

SE: One has swords and the other cuts with words.

Clare: Man, the odd couple theme song is different than I remember.

Sara: Hanging out in the Lazarus pit like it's a jacuzzi with my wife.

Clare: I MEAN. That's pretty choice.

SE: And Grace is clearly a great lover, sooooooo hard to go wrong.

Clare: Truly, the only bad choice in this batch is Constantine.

Sara: Grace is clearly a great lover. But Sara is an unpredictable one so that more to my tastes.

SE: Basically kindly show Constantine the door, have a threesome with Sara and Grace, become a throuple, die happy.

Sara: LOL. OMG you're right BOTH. We don't play by society's rules.

SE: Plus, then when you need a break, they can entertain each other.

Sara: I need breaks all the time. Constantly need to rest, a little nap. I'll never forget you Sara and Grace and John.

Clare: "Oh, John, I'll miss you least."

Credit: The CW

Round 2: Nyssa al Ghul, Anissa Pierce, Alex Danvers

Sara: Marry, marry, marry Anissa. What's up, hello, hi, would you be my wife?

SE: SECOND.

Clare: Check yes or no. I'll be real, deciding between marrying Anissa and marrying Alex is difficult for me.

SE: But you're like, "Nyssa you GTG."

Clare: Friend, I do not have time to navigate how to effectively argue as a couple with an assassin.

SE: LOL. I would bang Nyssa and then I'd bang her again. I love Alex, but we are tooooo neurotic to be together.

Sara: I'm unfortunately gonna say kindly show the door to Alex but I will text her sometimes months from now in the lonely hours of dusk.

Clare: And I, her wife, will be like "Who's that?"

Sara: She will tell you because she is lawful good.

SE: So, Clare, you're marrying Alex who Sara and I are both showing the door.

Clare: I think I will marry Alex. Anissa needs a wife who can be her rock, and I am a loose handful of dust at best.

Sara: I will be left to simply frak an assassin. Boohoo, very sad.

SE: I will try to marry Anissa and hope she finds me worthy.

Clare: SHE WILL. She sets a very high bar, Anissa.

SE: Indubitably. I'll be like, "Here are some articles I write you magnificent goddess and activist and superhero and cutie."

Sara: Sexy assassin times, settle down with Anissa, hang out with her extremely cool family.

SE: YES.

Sara: We've built a nice life together.

Clare: OH THAT'S A GOOD POINT.

SE: Can we talk about Nyssa for a ticky tock?

Clare: Absolutely.

SE: I mean ... I MEAN ...

Clare: No, I GET THE APPEAL. I am just CONCERNED FOR MY PERSONAL SAFETY.

Credit: The CW

SE: I will let that woman do whatever she wants to me. If that's how I die, then that's how I die.

Clare: Am I afraid of her or am I into her? The eternal question. You're a braver person than I, SE.

Sara: She can show me archery but if that were a euphemism but also if it was actually archery.

Clare: Wait, archery isn't just a euphemism?

SE: She's like, let's hit the archery range, and then we can hit the ARCH(ingyourback)ery range.

Sara: Any ol time. Let me clear my schedule.

SE: I mean, but also if I'm marrying Anissa, will she protect me if Nyssa gets out of control? OR, is this another set up for a threesome?

Sara: I was going to say I don't know if she'd go for that but you know what … maybe she would. She'd be like babe this person breaks all the laws that I like.

SE: AnysSE is our throuple name.

Sara: Oh wow.

Clare: A throuple so powerful we named a spice after it.

Sara: My and Sara Lance's couple name is Sara.

Clare: Clean. Elegant. Effective.

SE: "Sara?" "Yes?" "Oh, I meant ... SARA. No, I mean, Sara."

Sara: SARAAAAAAAAA.

SE: JFC I'm breaking up with both of you.

Sara: Same.

Credit: The CW

Sara: My wife!

SE: She's like, "Where is my wife, Sara? No, the other Sara." I would like to hear more about your marriage with Alex, Claire. We know you and Grace do cosplay. What do you and Alex do?

Clare: Our karaoke set is killer.

Sara: And Alex is literally board games forever.

Clare: HONESTLY TRUE.

SE: Karaoke and board games. I mean, wow.

Sara: Is it date night? Let's play board games.

Clare: Just us. In perfect silence. Solving a puzzle. Our married life is that we are Those Gays who always want to play Settlers of Catan. We are insufferable. We bring it to parties.

SE: Aww. Is your wedding Catan themed?

Clare: OH OF COURSE. I repeat: we will BRING Settlers of Catan to your house whether you have expressed interest in it or not.

Sara: Oh that's upsetting.

Clare: That's the perils of domesticity.

Sara: I'm going to have to change my outfit

Clare: I realized I was not cool enough for Anissa and embraced this. I just heard the little animal crossing "I changed clothes!" noise in my head.

Sara: I think Anissa would be down for board games. It's one of our biggest arguments. She loves ‘em. I hates ‘em.

SE: Oh Anissa is all about family and fams love board games.

Clare: Oh my god MISSED CONNECTIONS. If only I'd spoken up!!! Sara, you're marrying into a Monopoly tournament.

Sara: Yah definitely these are the sacrifices we make for LOVE.

Clare: Kiss today goodbye, won't regret what I did for love, etc.

SE: I think I'll just actually be married to Grace. Even in this one.

Clare: This is a stunning turn of events.

SE: Like, I want to marry Anissa, but she and Sara have this whole thing and I would never want to get in the way of that.

Sara: Yah, don't. Please. Thank you.

SE: But, I'm taking Sara Lance, too.

Sara: *FROWNS*

Clare: This is just like when you take all of the sheep in Catan!!

SE: SaraGraSE.

Clare: I definitely went to high school with a Sara Grace.

SE: She sounds ... straight.

Sara: What um ... what was she like?

Clare: Sorry, I didn't mean to bring up the spectre of heterosexuality. But yes, extremely straight.

SE: Yeah, seriously. So rude.

Sara: This is jarring.

Clare: SEE THIS IS WHY I CAN'T MARRY ANISSA what if I open my mouth and that comes out. It's not her it's ME.

Sara: *nods*

SE: She'd thunderclap your face.

Clare: Meanwhile, Alex is like, "Babe did you say something?" And I can be like, "Uhhh I think dropped a puzzle piece."

Sara: And she like, "Oh dear we'd better team up to find it ASAP."

SE: The accuracy.

Clare: That's the wife life for me: two adult women with their iPhone lights on trying to find the corner of a Lisa Frank puzzle in a rug.

Sara: *falls asleep*

SE: Sara, that's such a read. LOL.

Clare: Ahahaha.

Sara: Hahaha I love Clare for this she's so great at planning things and making her friends feel safe.

Clare: *heart*

Sara: CLARE KNOWS.

Clare: I AM KNOWN, EVEN TO MYSELF!

SE: To recap: Sara marries Anissa, bangs Nyssa, kindly shows Alex the door. Clare marries Alex, bangs Anissa, and kindly shows Nyssa the door.

Clare: Yes, correct. Nyssa, please enjoy your gift cards.

SE: I go back to Round 1 to be with my sister-wives.

Sara: Wait no I want to change mine. LOL JK.

SE: Fine. I marry Anissa, bang TF out of Nyssa, and give Alex a gift card.

Clare: Where's the gift card for? I need to know if I need to make reservations.

SE: Probably a leather shop.

Clare: Fair enough, fair enough.

SE: They do have appointments, but you can also walk in.

Credit: The CW

Round 3: Nora West-Allen, Charlie/Clotho, Leo Snart from Earth-X

Sara: OK so I'm gonna marry Nora.

Clare: I am marrying Charlie. I have a deep need to be a cosmic thing's wife and, as an ex-Fate, Charlie could fulfill that for me. "YOU CANNOT LOOK UPON HER TRUE FORM WITHOUT YOUR EYES MELTING and also this is her wife."

Sara: Guess what though? Charlie will never forget our passionate affair for that is my F.

Clare: If that's the price I pay, so be it.

SE: I'm also marrying Charlie because I am not going to break up The Ray and Leo on Earth X.

Sara: That's true Leo already has a love. Meanwhile, it doesn't super matter if Nora does, for I am better.

SE: Agreed.

Clare: Agreed. Nora literally can't improve on you.

SE: You are better than any boo Nora has and I am worse than the Ray, the gay superhero who fights Nazis.

Clare: Mmm that is very difficult. I do really enjoy that we are assuming all of these scenarios are happening in the same timeline.

Sara: This is the FMK cinematic universe. Wow, thank you for that show of support.

Clare: It's true. Even though Nora and I had our own torrid affair once.

Sara: Leo, kindly get the heck out of here and have a happy life with your boo.

Clare: Leo, here's TWO gift baskets.

SE: I mean, we're all gonna have exes that marry our friends. We're queer.

Clare: How else can we sustain game night as a community???

SE: OK but I don't think Charlie is into board games?

Clare: Oh no, and that's absolutely fine. That's my sacrifice.

SE: Ha ha ha. My goddess wife can't come to the game, but my superhero's older sister wife can.

Clare: I don't need puzzles when she's a cosmic mystery for me to unravel.

SE: Dude, that was so romantic.

Clare: Thank you. That's my full application for "Bride of [COSMIC THING]" please feel free to send it along to any cosmic horrors you know.

SE: I'll keep that on file. I'm also gonna also marry Charlie/Clotho. Or whatever the equivalent a mortal can do with a Fate ... worship?

Clare: Yessss.

SE: Get drunk with and listen to punk?

Sara: I would but I already married Nora too much.

Clare: Sara married Nora 100%. That's all of the percents. Then it's just you and me going full Garth and Wayne at Charlie.

SE: She's like, "Let me slip on something more comfortable." Then boom she's Constantine and I get everything I want.

Clare: YOU GAMED THE SYSTEM.

Sara: Oh wow.

Clare: YOU CHEEKY DEVIL.

SE: *bows*

Sara: Fu** this. *kicks over board game*

Clare: Ahahahahaaaaa.

SE: Nora's like, "Sweetheart."

Sara: I'm like, "Yes darling beloved love of my life, Is something the matter, my reason for living? My 100% married wife?"

SE: Clare and Alex are picking up the pieces off the ground. I'm making out with Constantine/Charlie.

Clare: Ahaha me just squinting and putting little pieces into Alex's cupped hands, saying "And this is WHY I think we should GET diecast pieces for when Sara does this!!!"

Sara: Well this ended the only way it could.

Clare: FMK: It's Just Queer Game Night.

Sara: I'm like, "I'm bored" and Nora is like, "My heartbeat moves 750,000 times faster than yours and I'm not bored." Bored games.

SE: GOD DAMN IT, SARA.

Sara: *kicks things over again*

Clare: My house!!

Sara: Nora will help you. *kicks things again*

Clare: Sara, if you don't like board game night you don't have to come to board game night! My miniatures!!

Sara: This is why no one invites me to board game night anymore.

SE: Anissa is gonna stomp so hard you have to stay seated.

Credit: The CW

Clare: TRUE. You can't faff around at game night with Anissa.

SE: Then Nora will pet your head.

Sara: Like I am baby.

Clare: I'll allow it.

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