Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.
I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course, you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a post about jackets. For everyone else, game on!
It's been 10 years since the Twilight film franchise entered our lives, hearts and...well, if you've ever been on Tumblr, you know the rest. But who in the franchise is the most frakkable, marryable or killable? Let's investigate.
Round 1: Basic Males - Robert Pattinson, Kellen Lutz, Jackson Rathbone
Clare: Ugh. UGH. OK, I kill White Sokka. I frak Cedric Diggory.
Courtney: Like, no one. Like I have no energy to frak, marry or kill any of these humans.
Sara: As Metallica once said Kill 'Em All.
Clare: They are so very basic.
Courtney: Double kill Kellen Lutz for that one time the paparazzi photographed him reading in a tree as humans do.
Clare: BACK OFF OF FRODO'S READING IS MAGIC POSTER, LUTZ.
Sara: I cannot in good conscience marry a hairless werewolf
Clare: None of these are the werewoofs; these are all vampiros.
Sara: I cannot marry a hairless vampire.
Courtney: They're hairless and mareless.
Clare: Emmett (Lutz) is the most bro of all vampires.
Sara: He has a lot of muscles. So I guess I would marry him.
Courtney: Ugh. He's nothing. Nothing in the face.
Clare: He hunts bears, if I recall correctly? I'd have a beer with that dude, which I guess counts as marriage in the Twiverse.
Courtney: He's basically a potato. And not even a charming one like Charming Potato.
Clare: I'll be real, I logically know these are different men but my mind's eye is just mashed potatoes. Mmm mashed potatoes.
Courtney: I miss Thanksgiving leftovers already.
Clare: I’d marry mashed potatoes.
Courtney: FMK POTATOES STUFFING ROLLS.
Sara: Marry rolls tbh.
Clare: KILL STUFFING, FRAK ROLLS, MARRY TATERS. STUFFING IS RIDICULOUS I am sorry please enjoy it freely BUT IT IS.
Courtney: TRICK QUESTCH, EAT THEM ALL, THEY ARE FOOD, YOU CANNOT FRAK OR MARRY OR KILL THEM.
Clare: Aw snap, it was a mind game the whole time! I'm still marrying mashed potatoes over vampbro.
Courtney: Robert Pattinson is the rolls of people so I guess I'll marry him and Jackson Rathbone at least seems to know he is in a VERY SILLY INTENSE NONSENSE MOVIE and therefore he has earned a good frakking. Kellen Lutz more like Kellen Klutz, oops he fell out of his reading tree and died.
Clare: Oh no what a tragedy. The live-action Airbender has just left me so sour on Rathbone, mostly because I love Sokka and he was... not my dude Sokka in it. But of the three, best actual human name, so there's that.
ROUND 2: Flawless human women - Kristen Stewart, Nikki Reed, Ashley Greene
Clare: OH MY GOD HOW DO I CHOOSE? Here’s the thing: I feel KStew is the obvious marriage material, but she is so astronomically cooler than me that we could never be wed. She would never play MARIO KART with me. So, alas, it can only be a frak. A Totino Roll Frak, if I can make specific requests.
Courtney: Honestly, I feel like Nikki is an old soul, an underrated talent and a former lover of Ryan Atwood, adopted son of Sandy and Kirsten Cohen and therefore my wife.
Sara: I say kill Bella, frak Alice, marry Rosalie.
Courtney: Wow that's a bold choice to frak that haircut, Sara.
Clare: I will also marry Nikki. And kill off Ashley Greene because you know what I think Alice is annoying.
Courtney: Alice is SO ANNOYING.
Sara: I know I mean I'm just living one day at a time
Clare: Manic vampire dream girl that is also somehow the sum total of everything I now hate about early aughts emo fashion (though at the time I thought was so rad).
Sara: Yeah isn't she married to an ex-Confederate soldier? I guess I'll kill her too.
Courtney: Like girl what is happening here in your headward situation?
Sara: I just feel like I choose kill a lot I'm trying to expand my horizons
Courtney: It's trying to fly off her head, it wants excluded from this narrative.
Clare: Did the '90s possess your hair dryer, girl?
Sara: Ack. In the worse of Cathy ACK!!
Courtney: Alice is the Cathy of Twilight.
Clare: ACK I have visions ACK.
Sara: I mean I guess I would still go for it. Sorry gang, haterz gonna hate. Bad haircuts are my thing it turns out.
Courtney: I mean you do you and by that I mean do Alice.
Clare: Ugh I can't even look at this haircut anymore it takes me to back to such dark places.
Courtney: Frak KStew in the hopes she is SNL Totino's KStew.
Clare: This is the bill of goods I am attempting to procure here. I assume a package of Totino's comes with this offer.
Courtney: Tbh frak Totino's.
Clare: Tbhhhh. What I'm hearing is that many food groups are more desirable than this group of vampires. Which is not wrong.
Courtney: I mean I think I'm just really hungry.
Clare: There you go, It’s Totino's time. (eyebrows)
Courtney: Put 'em in the oven at 425. (waggle, waggle) I don't know what that means. But, like, sex? Sex probably.
Clare: Something like that.
ROUND 3: Older menfolk - Peter Facinelli, Michael Sheen, Lee Pace
Clare: Ahhh, finally, some dude charisma. I'm marrying Sheen, frakking Pace, and sorry, Facinelli, you're out.
Courtney: This is actually the most difficult category for me. Because logically Facinelli is the obvious kill but I don't feel right about it.
Clare: Agreed. He is not without his charms! This is just a stacked category.
Courtney: I feel like they would all be GOOD AT THE THINGS. THE PANTS THINGS. But you MARRY SHEEN.
Clare: YOU LOCK THAT DOWN.
Courtney: Like even if it doesn't work out YOU GET A BEST FRIEND FOR LIFE.
Clare: The greatest ex of all time.
Sara: I feel like I'll marry Facinelli, wild caaaaarrrrd.
Clare: This is probably a good time to mention if you want to see Michael Sheen's butt, go watch Wilde!
Sara: Gonna watch Wilde then kill Sheen.
Sara: She mates then she kills.
Clare: HE IS OSCAR WILDE'S ONLY REAL FRIEND!!! WITH A CUTE BUT APPROPRIATELY BRITISH BUTT!!! All praise the Sheen.
Sara: The words "British butt" just made my shoulders try to retract.
Clare: Sorry, English tush.
Courtney: Rebecca Pahle is not with us on this evening but if she were here she would post this gif:
Courtney: That gif makes me nervous. Like her vagina is the only thing keeping him from dying. But also it's my personal goal.
Clare: If you both fear and love something, you go towards it.
Courtney: ONLY MY VAGINA WILL SAVE YOU FROM CERTAIN DEATH.
Sara: I would definitely immediately fall to my death in that scenario. It’s unsafe.
Clare: This is a situation that demands intense ab strength.
Courtney: My thighs can only do so much.
Sara: My will to live can only do so much.
Courtney: I mean you would need to do your kegel training with, like, a truck.
Sara: Done and done.
Courtney: OK I don't actually have a fourth round so I think we're done.
Sara: Can't believe I never got to talk about how I wouldn't marry Bella's dad but I would go on a Tinder date with him and I would let Bella call me mom.
Courtney: I KNOW I originally forgot about Lee Pace and he was in the Facinelli/Sheen category.
Clare: There's just so many people in these movies.
Courtney: I mean there's a lot of people but none of them matter?
Courtney: That's why Lautner didn't make it in. Everyone else is just void. They are human screensavers.
Sara: Marry Bella's mom though.
Courtney: Save her from her husband who IIRC plays amateur baseball?
Clare: And the lighting is a lot of that CGI blue that gives me a headache and flashbacks to Queen of the Damned.
Sara: Marry Queen of the Damned.
Courtney: MARRY QUEEN OF THE DAMNED. LET HER EAT MY HEART.
Clare: SET ME ON FIRE, AKASHAAAA.