Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.
I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a post about the best, worst and weirdest adaptations of Phantom of the Opera. For everyone else, game on!
The first film in the Underworld franchise was released 15 years ago this month. Giving us five films in total, as well as countless goth lewks, replete with leather, we decided to celebrate Underworld and its sequels with the FMK treatment.
Round 1: Selene (Kate Beckinsale), Sonja (Rhona Mitra), Erika (Sophia Myles)
Cher: OK, so I’m gonna kill Erika just because I’ve known many Erikas and the majority of them make me feel like she should be killed.
Courtney: All of these women are serving baby queer Hot Topic realness and I'm here for it.
Rebecca: F Erika, M Selene, K Sonja, with apologies to Rhona Mitra. The pro of marrying Erika is that you can borrow all her Hot Topic goth clothes, whereas with Kate Beckinsale's catsuits... I'm not fitting into those.
Courtney: Erika is Madame du Pompadour. That gives her points. As do her quality early aughts braids.
Cher: Sonja has an impressive resting bitch face. She always looks super pressed but to be fair, since it's one of the two Underworld movies I have seen, her dad’s trying to kill her secret lover who knocked her up. So like, shit is rough and I don't blame her for being stressed out.
Rebecca: Erika is dangerous and treacherous and is just as likely to stab you in the back as be your friend. Which is fine. I'm gonna hit it once and steal the clothes on the way out. I feel like she and I could have a good time, sexually. Letting out some repressed tension. Hanging from the ceiling and all that jazz.
Courtney: I'm leaning to kill Rhona but also Michael Sheen seems to be really enjoying himself in that one buckwild gif Bex is always posting.
Rebecca: Oh, and I'm gonna post it SO MUCH MORE.
Cher: I think I’m gonna marry Selene because Kate Beckinsale’s IG is a delight and I have decided that’s a valid argument.
Rebecca: You have to marry Selene. You have to. YOU HAVE TO MARRY KATE BECKINSALE.
Courtney: That way Sheen is just always AROUND.
Cher: Like, that’s a joy. Because SHE'S HER OWN CAT. She ordered a life-size costume OF HER CAT.
Rebecca: Selene is badass and loving and loyal, and if you're married to her she will kill hundreds upon hundreds of people for you. And that's scary but also kinda hot.
Courtney: She really is a cat!
Rebecca: Kate Beckinsale's Instagram is my favorite place on the internet. She is SUCH a weirdo, and I love her for it.
Courtney: And their daughter is a funny weirdo too and I stan the whole family.
Cher: Yeah marry Selene, frak her bitter pill sister, and kill Blondie.
Courtney: Marry Selene, frak Erika, RIP other one.
Rebecca: I feel bad for saying kill Rhona Mitra, but... really. In Rise of the Lycans, she was a cardboard imitation of Kate Beckinsale. Which isn't her fault. Aren't we ALL?
Cher: Now’s a good time to mention I have taken many cold meds before this, so things may get weird (-er than usual).
Courtney: Oh DAG I just took one of the strong Mucinexes and can't quite breathe and the world is awfully spinny.
Rebecca: Speaking of getting weird:
Courtney: I. Just. Love. Her. So.
Cher: RELATABLE. I wanna be real life friends with Kate Beckinsale.
Cher: YES THE HORSE. I died. Then came back to life because this was life-giving. I mean the cat. God dammit. Horsecat. It’s a thing. It’s Dr. Seuss’s nightmare.
Rebecca: YAY FOR MUCINEX.
Cher: This should just be a KB appreciation thread because we as a society don’t appreciate her enough.
Rebecca: If memory serves, Selene essentially ends the most recent film as... Lady Vampire Jesus?
Rebecca: I'd be Lady Vampire Jesus' wife.
Round 2: Lucian (Michael Sheen), Michael (Scott Speedman), Kraven (Shane Brolly)
Rebecca: The whole series is teen goth hot topic trash, and I love it.
Cher: MARRY MICHAEL SHEEN AND FRAK HIM FOREVER ARE YOU KIDDING?
Rebecca: LOOK AT THOSE ABS. LOOK AT THAT CORE STRENGTH. LOOK WHAT HE WILL DO FOR YOU
Cher: Like this isn't even a debate.
Courtney: MARRY MICHAEL SHEEN. FRAK HIM ON THE EDGE OF A CLIFF. LIVE DELICIOUSLY.
Cher: Look at him in leather pants. Glistening. Animal in the sheets, leather pants-wearer in the streets.
Courtney: I've never seen any human dance in the waters of both hot and frump and still be adorable both ways.
Rebecca: If there are any readers who have not seen Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, know that it is werewolf Romeo and Juliet crossed with werewolf Moses crossed with Michael Sheen shirtless and screaming in leather pants for two hours. It is a DELIGHT.
Cher: Talk about underappreciated.
Rebecca: Michael Sheen's sexual magnetism is a mystery to me. But I am definitely susceptible to it.
Courtney: I mean ultimately it always comes back to leather nether stink. But I'll just make him shower. A lot.
Rebecca: Give him a whole crate of talcum powder for birthdays and Christmas.
Courtney: That just seems clumpy.
Cher: Michael Sheen is a Trojan horse of sexiness.
Rebecca: In that he is filled with lots of tiny Greek men?
Courtney: Same, frankly.
Cher: He can look like a quiet librarian that prob goes home to his studio apt to drink tea and trim his bonsai plants while listening to NPR but in reality, he’s low-key sexual napalm.
Courtney: That is a massively accurate description.
Rebecca: Michael Sheen has a magic d*ck. It's just science.
Cher: It’s factual.
Rebecca: You don't hit that magic just once. You lock it down.
Courtney: Magic D*ck Energy.
Rebecca: BDE right here.
Cher: And he and KB were on the conscious uncoupling jam long before Gwyneth tried to make it a THING. He just seems like a very decent fellow.
Rebecca: See, I can't even think of the others. My brain's all Sheen.
Cher: Truth. No one else matters.
Rebecca: But F Kraven to give me that goth trash fix, and K Michael because he's kind of a wet blanket, sorry.
Courtney: I WILL SAY I was always more Ben than Noel. So I'll frak Speedman.
Rebecca: You’re gonna frak a guy named SPEEDMAN? You get what you ask for, Court, just sayin’.
Courtney: Yeah, in and out and more time for Sheen.
Cher: I feel like everyone has to Frak a guy named Kraven at least once in their lives.
That’s a name made for a one night stand.
Rebecca: The "Sheen" is for the layer of sweat that covers him at all times during the Underworld franchise.
Cher: Like Michael Sheen should be the only person in Hollywood allowed with that last name.
Rebecca: Can we marry Selene AND Lucian, and have threesomes?
Courtney: I bet everyone in these movies smells like a Halloween store, but like ON October 31 when it's basically empty and sad.
Rebecca: Kraven never washes his clothes. Literally never.
Round 3: Viktor (Bill Nighy), Marius (Tobias Menzies), Raze (Kevin Greivoux)
Cher: This is hard because BILL NIGHY IS A TREASURE but also Viktor is the WORRSSSSTTTT. He’s literally the epitome of a white male patriarchy, racist and sexist and awful.
Rebecca: With Raze, it all comes down to that voice. Is it scary, or sexy, or both? I just don't know.
Courtney: This is where we need to inform our horned up audience that Kevin Greivoux INVENTED THIS WHOLE DANG SHEBANG and none of it exists without him. No Sheen. No leather nethers.
Rebecca: I'm gonna frak Viktor but ONLY if he agrees to wear Nighy's Love Actually clothes.
Cher: OH GOOD CALL. I cosign that.
Courtney: I mean tbh a lot of his Viktor clothes could easily be worn by Billy Mack and vice versa. I feel it in my fingers, y'all.
Rebecca: The scent of sweaty balls encased in leather is all around us.
Cher: Billy Mack deserves his own spinoff. I want a Spinal Tap-style mockumentary on Billy’s career. Kinda like a Behind the Music.
Rebecca: What if Viktor IS Billy Mack.
Cher: THAT IS GENIUS SOMEONE PAY ME ALL THE MONIES FOR THAT SCRIPT.
Rebecca: He moves to Eastern Europe, starts up a career as a vampire on a whim. He would.
Courtney: This whole series is a prequel.
Cher: What if Billy Mack is the true story behind the vampire movie where Lestat was a rockstar?
Rebecca: Love Actually/Underworld crossover. Hollywood, make this happen.
Cher: Guys, we have such good ideas. Why doesn't Hollywood just only read our stuff and then pay us all the money to make everything?
Courtney: Like IMAGINE. IMAGINE OUR EGOTS.
Cher: So many EGOTS. And Mark Twain awards. And Peabodys.
Courtney: Six Pulitzers and a MacArthur Genius Grant.
Rebecca: A Nobel Peace Prize, even. If I have to choose, regretfully, I will kill Victor, because he IS awful and he probably wouldn't agree to wear Billy Mack's clothes, and you know he's too full of himself to be a considerate lover. Plus, musty vampire d*ck. Frak Raze, because I want to hear that voice rumbling all through my fingers and my toes. Marry Marius because that man is dependable.
Courtney: Marry-us. That's the kind of quality humor you get with Mucinex TM.
Rebecca: That can be a new series. Genre Movies That Should Be Crossed Over With Love Actually.
Cher: OMG. Like. For real though. It should be. Marry Raze, frak Marius and I’M SO SORRY BILL NIGHY BUT KILL VIKTOR.
Courtney: But frak, marry and kill Billy Mack.
Cher: Billy Mack is like Keith Richards in that he can’t die ever. He’s done too many drugs and is basically embalmed but alive. So immortal.
Courtney: Nah, his manager is definitely going to snap and kill him at some point. Too many fat jokes.
Cher: They’re soulmates, though.
Courtney: And then Billy Mack comes back to life as a vampire. UNDERWORLD.
Rebecca: Viktor only drinks the blood of people who have recently done cocaine. My love of this concept can be properly epitomized by one gif and one gif only.
Courtney: OK final round and — PREFACE — these movies were written by Danny McBride but not THAT Danny McBride.
Wildcard Round: An actual lycan, an actual vampire, the other Danny McBride
Cher: kqnwfj;sdlfjsa;fjsl;fjskl;f I quit.
Rebecca: I'm marrying Danny McBride. None of you can have him. He's mine. Danny McBride, Michael Sheen, and Kate Beckinsale are my harem.
Courtney: I would see this version of The Holiday starring you, McBride, Kate and Leather Nethers.
Rebecca: Leather Nethers is my porn name.
Courtney: I'm not gonna lie. I'm into that werewolf. Abs for dayz.
Rebecca: Are we talking human form or wolf form for the Lycan?
Courtney: I mean I would assume that depends upon whether you frak or marry. Frak would seem to be the wolf form but marry you get some quality non-wolf time. Also I literally think Cher quit. We broke her.
Rebecca: Here's the thing: I'm not gonna frak a vampire. I know that sexiness is steeped in their mythology, all the way back to Dracula, but I just don't feel in my heart of hearts that a vampire would be good at sex. It's a dead body. It's COLD. It's immortal, and tbh vampires are kinda haughty, so it wouldn't think it would need to try all that hard to get me off. Vampires are narcissistic bitches.
Courtney: I have never had the slightest inclination of vampire hots. Like THEY ARE SO EMO. Too emo. They're all SORRY THEY CAN'T BE PERFEEECCCTTT.
Rebecca: Gimme that primal lycan action.
Courtney: So much hair to grab on to.
Rebecca: Shared "time of the month" jokes.
Courtney: I mean can we be real though; the issue with vampire is the teeth. I don't want those things grazin' my raisin.
Rebecca: Yeah. I’m not gonna trust a vampire to get near my area with fangs. I don't want someone to get overenthusiastic, and bam, I'm immortal. Imagine being turned into a vampire because one of them nicks you during oral sex. That's either the best or worst cocktail party story ever.
Courtney: But only your vagina becomes a vampire. You get the dentata.
Rebecca: See, now you're selling me on it.
Cher: I should prob sleep.
Rebecca: Sleep and dream of Michael Sheen in leather pants.
Courtney: Rest up. Dream of leathery Sheen d*ick.
Courtney: CHER, REAL QUICK, IS GRAZIN' ON MY RAISIN TOO DIRTY?
Rebecca: Yes hello my name is Cher and I like dogs and pot and also Courtney if you don't use "grazin' on my raisin" you are fired.