what-we-do-in-the-shadows

Frak Marry Kill: Vampire edition

Contributed by
Nov 15, 2018

Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.

I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course, you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a post about who should play Ursula in the live-action Little Mermaid. For everyone else, game on!

In the realm of movie monsters, vampires are the hottest, the sexy bad boys of the horror universe, and delightfully, deliciously camp. But which movie vamps and the vamp-adjacent are most worthy of our necks (and other parts)? Let's investigate.

fmk-vampire-round1

ROUND 1 - Interview with the Vampire: Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Christian Slater

Sara: Kill Tom Cruise, then kill him again.

Clare: Oh god, I have only one kill.

Sara: Use all my turns to kill Tom.

Clare: Kill Christian Slater, frak Tom Cruise, and I guess marry Brad Pitt.

Courtney: I'm always going to kill Tom Cruise. THE POWER OF XENU COMPELS YOU.

Clare: LOOK. I UNDERSTAND AND SYMPATHIZE WITH YOUR POSITIONS. But his work as Lestat is one of the finest performances I have ever seen. It’s a full goddamn 20-course meal.

Sara: I think I'll marry Christian because uh, well, no reason, except I don't like the other two.

Clare: I marry Brad Pitt solely in order to acquire the Louis wig in order to have a wig of, essentially, my own hair.

Courtney: Cruise weirdly pulls off that hair color in this movie though. Like it's a rough color and he does it. He basically just looked like Nicole.

Clare: Oh, it works. It shouldn't but it works. That’s acting.

Sara: Eyes Wide Shut marriage with me, Nicole, and Tom.

Clare: And Christian Slater... sorry, I think I remember him in the film he was wearing a vest? Pass. Let Lestat eat him.

Sara: I want to ask you not to kill my husband but I guess I don't care enough.

Courtney: Marry this picture of Nicole Kidman divorcing Tom Cruise.

Sara: Marry that outfit in a heartbeat.

Clare: LOOK AT THIS FREE ANGEL.

Sara: It must be like leaving a cult.

Courtney: I mean.

Clare: Such a weight off her shoulders her arms cannot go down you know.

Sara: Marry Nicole 3x.

Courtney: I'm in a cult. The cult of Nicole Kidman in those pants.

Sara: Green khaki capris is a look.

Clare: Also: making those sneakers work and I am not a sneaker person at all. Gotta be breezy to be FREE.

Courtney: It's because her feet are FREE. FREET.

Clare: FREEEEEEEEETDOM.

Courtney: Anyway though, those male losers we're actually playing about. Marry Slater, I guess. Our love is God, I suppose. Let's get a slushie or whatever.

Sara: Oh, and I'll frak Pitt because, I mean, you only live once.

Courtney: Frak Brad Pitt. Sure, why not? But not with those contacts in.

Clare: I'm still very happy with my decision to frak Lestat.

Sara: You only un-die once.

Courtney: I left Stuart Townsend Lestat out but IMAGINE THAT FRAK. He'd definitely cry. And he'd definitely have the leather nethers.

Clare: Stuart Townsend Lestat I would KILL. Although I do have to bring up the fact that Lestat 100% banged his mom.

Courtney: Oh, for sure.

Sara: Yeah, I feel like that's why I can't marry him.

Clare: Yeah, that's just not marriage material. Also on record as having a kid in order to save a failing marriage and that's just not cricket, dude. Lestat: a bad idea but... c’monnnnn. Have some fun, Lestat does!

fmk-vampire-round2

ROUND 2 - Bram Stoker's Dracula: Gary Oldman, Richard E. Grant, Cary Elwes

Clare: Marry Oldman, kill Grant, frak Elwes. 

Courtney: Cary Elwes circa 1992 is...a thing for me. Even with that ‘stache. And a silly stache it was.

Sara: Kill Gary Oldman. Dracula gotta go.

Clare: Sara!!! The little sunglasses!

Sara: I knew you were going to say that.

Courtney: I mean fancy Oldman Dracula has his charms but Old Man Oldman Dracula...is a hard pass.

Clare:  I'd take it. For a castle and a closet full of Eiko Ishioka that I can borrow.

Sara: Clare! Stop marrying Dracula.

Clare: LET ME MARRY MY MUMMIES AND DRACULAS, SARA. I JUST WANT REAL ESTATE.

Sara: Well I am going to marry Cary with Courtney and we are going to live at his estate IN MAINE.

Clare: Have fun storming the estate, y’all.

Courtney: His head is like a valentine. TO YOU.

dracula-bs

Clare: Awww so sweet baby you shouldn't have.

Courtney: Seriously though this is a lewk.

dracula-bs-2

Clare: Who needs a weighted blanket when I can borrow that as a nightgown?

Sara: LOL that's literally Clare's look. God dammit Clare

Clare: What can I say I'm excellent bride material for the undead. It's like peanut butter and chocolate.

Sara: I want to talk more about my husband Cary who is Very Nice. His mustache IS CUTE.

Clare: He seems very nice! He looks like a very handsome, nice young man with a mustache that is thick yet adorable.

Sara: I'm getting one just like it.

Clare: That said... I may change my answer to frakking Grant instead of Cary, because... I think his facial hair is better.

Courtney: I'm happy about marrying 1992 Cary. I might divorce him somewhere around that time he guested on SVU but we'll have many happy years together.

Clare: Oh, see, now that's a wonderful plan.

Sara: I am left to frak Richard.

Courtney: Yeah I guess I'm just out here frakking Richard E. Grant. The E is for eh?

Sara: Richard “Eh it was OK” Grant. Richard “Eh it was better than old Dracula” Grant.

Clare: Richard "Eh he kind of looks like Nic Cage in this movie" Grant.

fmk-vampire-round3

ROUND 3 - Lost Boys: Jason Patric, Kiefer Sutherland, Alex Winter

Clare: I reject the mullet. I REJECT IT.

Courtney: More like Jason Frak-tric.

Clare: Marry Jason, frak Alex, kill Kiefer. 

Courtney: Marry this guy.

lost-boys-sax

Clare: I mean, that's the right answer to this round tbh. Strong as an ox. Musical genius. Brave enough to go out into the world like that.

Sara: F F and F tbh.

Clare: I do realize Alex's mullet is worse but that jacket is mwah. I promise my FMK strategy isn't just about acquiring clothing and property but it kind of is.

Courtney: Clare is just building her own dowry.

Sara: Everyone in that movie honestly probably smells like hairspray.

Courtney: Best case scenario they smell like hairspray.

Clare: Consider your nostrils singed either way.

Sara: Hairspray, sweat, mullets, fmk? I marry mullets, f hairspray, and kill sweat.

Clare: ...carry the one and yeah, that's it, that's the right answer.

Courtney: We did it guys, we won FMK.

Clare: Good work, team!

Sara: Oh good

Courtney: I kill Kiefer though. I've seen his dad bang, it's too real.

Sara: Good point though.

Clare: Just awkward. Best to put him out of his misery.

what-we-do-in-the-shadows

ROUND 4 - What We Do in the Shadows: Taika Waititi, Jemaine Clement, Jonathan Brugh

Clare: Kill Jonathan, frak Jemaine, marry Taika.

Courtney: I mean, look, WE ARE SORRY JONATHAN. BUT WE DON'T MAKE THE RULES.

Clare: Look you're a great guy it's just a stacked deck! But Viago's a sweetheart and Vladislav is a beast, I feel like that resolves itself pretty evenly for me.

Courtney: Yeah, I feel bad about Jonathan but good about this choice.

Clare: I can't marry anyone who is ALSO going to hog the eBay account and is bad at turning into a cat, so Vlad's a one and done.

Courtney: In the shadows, out of the shadows, I don’t care where we do it but we are DOING IT.

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