Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.
I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course, you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a post with some ideas for your holiday shopping. For everyone else, game on!
Recently, we turned our hearts, minds, and...etc. to the world of the vampyr. But what of their fuzzy counterparts? For us, our werewolf baes are more than puppy love. But who would we frak, marry or kill? Only one way to find out. AHH-OOOOOOO!
ROUND 1: Michael J. Fox, Seth Green, Taylor Lautner
Rebecca: Teen Wolf category!
Courtney: Obviously you marry Michael J. Is-He-Ever-A Fox. Like that's no question.
Rebecca: Frak Seth Green. I love Oz, but you can't trust him w/ regard to commitment. He cheated on Willow.
Courtney: With VERUCA. AND HER HIDEOUS GAG VOICE.
Carly: He cheated on Willow and then he left Alyson Hannigan crying which is honestly a cardinal sin. Anything that makes that woman cry on-camera is terrible.
Rebecca: Veruca made Oz goddamn emo. I'm not going to marry an emo werewolf.
Courtney: Also his God costume was Jim Halpert levels of Halloween laziness. SHE WAS WEARING CHAINMAIL.
Rebecca: Oz is the epitome of the high school boyfriend whom you DO NOT make your lifetime bae. I want to be married to a basketball star, not live in a frakking van.
Carly: So he's a frak, but you gotta know when to ditch him because you've got Tara waiting for you toward the middle of Season 4.
Courtney: And Kennedy's tongue ring.
Carly: If you could hear the noise I just made.
Rebecca: Ugh, please don't mention Season 7 of Buffy. The season that doesn't exist.
Courtney: I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS "CONVERSATIONS WITH DEAD PEOPLE" ERASURE.
Rebecca: I love how we're all killing Taylor Lautner. It goes without saying.
Courtney: I mean, Tay, I'm sure you're a nice guy and all.
Carly: All I remember is that Jacob imprints on a literal baby and that speaks for itself, I think.
Courtney: Yeah I don't want to interrupt this game with my scalding hot take but I'm largely against a relationship between a teen boy and a baby.
Rebecca: If you married Jacob, you could never be 100% confident he wouldn't dramatically rip his shirt off at any given moment. You could be at a wedding. At YOUR wedding. At a funeral.
Carly: He can't be with Bella, so he tags the next best thing which is... her... child...? Get out of here. I don't care how good he looks with his shirt off.
Rebecca: Also, Jacob is possessive and entitled a Nice Guy. Just... don't frak any of the Twilight men.
Courtney: I have no idea what Michael J. looks like without his shirt on. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHEN IT'S LOVE.
Rebecca: He probably has back hair, which isn't cute. But, then, we're talking about werewolves, so it is what it is. They're all gonna clog the drains. They're all gonna steal your razors.
Carly: I mean, if you married Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf it would kinda be like marrying Chewie?
Courtney: Plus we know he's good, sackwise. I mean Oz didn't do ONE backflip, Jacob either.
Rebecca: Sexxxxay hip action. Good hair-care knowledge.
Carly: That is one smooth motherfrakking Teen Wolf. I need someone who can show me how to deep condition. That body! Those tresses!
Rebecca: I will say, if you marry Teen Wolf, hand stuff is off the table.
Courtney: This is true. I'd be a bit nervous about teeth too.
Rebecca: You gotta have him do the lesbian nail clip, but I think Michael J. Fox would.
Courtney: Plus that's a lot of hair in your mouth, but love is worth it.
Rebecca: Real talk, he's wearing a bumpit under there, right?
Courtney: He goes through six teasing combs a week.
Rebecca: Everyone who works at the local DryBar knows his name. He's their #1 customer.
Carly: In spite of the hair he does seem very into grooming which helps. I bet you could talk him into some manscaping.
Rebecca: Who’s gonna google "do werewolf dongs have fur?”
Courtney: Now I'm picturing all fur except for one bare patch. YOU KNOW THE BARE PATCH.
Rebecca: So the male werewolf version of PowerGirl's boob window?
Round 2: Ginger from Ginger Snaps, Christina Ricci in Cursed, Anna Paquin in Trick r Treat
Rebecca: Can I just tell you, it took me an ABSURDLY long time to realize the title "Ginger Snaps" is a pun, and it BLEW MY DANG MIND.
Courtney: So Anna Paquin was a real wet blanket through most of that segment. When she goes all wolfy-like she's INTO IT but other than that she's a mess.
Carly: But was that a deliberate misdirect or was she just nervous about her first wolfy time? I WONDER.
Rebecca: Anna Paquin, though, you get a cape. Frak Anna Paquin, steal her cape, and bounce.
Carly: At least she already popped her wolf cherry murdering Dylan Baker.
Rebecca: Frak Ginger from Ginger Snaps, because we could get some hardcore reign of destruction going on. Burn that mother DOWN.
Carly: Ginger's also kind of obsessed with death though, and I don't know if I need that negativity in my life. Like, I get it, you want to stage elaborate depictions of suicide and murder, but maybe we can just Netflix and chill tonight.
Rebecca: I stan a goth werewolf queen. Which I guess means I'm killing Christina Ricci in Cursed?
Courtney: I mean I DON'T WANT TO. But that's kind of where we're heading.
Rebecca: But it's OK, because I would marry Christina Ricci in just about every other Christina Ricci movie, including that Lifetime Lizzie Borden movie she did.
Courtney: Christina Ricci kills Joshua Jackson in Cursed. I can't abide that.
Carly: Yes, for this she must die. I guess I'd marry Anna Paquin and then I can let her go off with her werewolf sisters and party once a month and then just not ask any specific questions unless they pertain to murdering men.
Courtney: I mean that party did seem pretty sick.
Rebecca: I'm gonna marry whoever will do the best job in helping me smash the patriarchy. And that is Ginger.
Carly: And then frak Ginger, because I bet she'd bring the weed over to our hookups from that guy her sister likes. I never remember the men in these movies.
Rebecca: I love that the Wiki page for Cursed has the phrase "Bowling for Soup" as themselves. It's so mid-aughts.
Courtney: Yeah, I gotta marry Ginger. Frak the Paq. Kill Christina Ricci and avenge Pacey.
Rebecca: FRAK THE PAQ.
Carly: You did that just so you could say that. I KNOW YOUR LOVE OF JOKEY RHYMING
Courtney: IT IS MY BRAND.
Round 3 - American Werewolves of Various Locales: Tom Everett Scott, David Naughton, Decomposing Griffin Dunne
Rebecca: Ohhh, man. Decomposing Griffin Dunne is a snarky bastard, and I like that in a husband. But... the "decomposing" part. I don't want any parts falling off where parts shouldn't fall off, if you get me.
Courtney: I know he would spend our entire relationship trying to get me to kill myself, but honestly, I think I have to marry Griffin Dunne. I mean he has to die eventually and till then he just shows up, snarks about, then disappears. It's kind of an ideal marriage.
Carly: MARRY DAVID NAUGHTON. I have very firm feelings about how his werewolf just wanted to be cuddled and then he got shot for it, which is not great, but evidence suggests that he is a very tender lover. Read: shower sex. Ayup.
Courtney: Tom Everett Scott has been done dirty by Hollywood and his career but not by me. I would frak the frak out of Tom Everett Scott.
Rebecca: I'll frak David Naughton. He's a pretty chill dude. Gotta marry my sarcastic ghost bae. And kill Tom Everett Scott, SORRY. More like Tom NEVERett Scott.
Courtney: My entire list of underrated actors is just the cast of That Thing You Do.
Carly: I'd frak Tom Everett Scott because everything has to circle back to That Thing You Do in everything I talk about. He's That Thing I'd Do.
Courtney: I would like to be that thing he do.
Rebecca: If I'm frakking someone from the cast of That Thing You Do, is it Ethan Embry.
Carly: NOT Liv Tyler?
Courtney: Frak Embry every time. BUT THIS ISN'T FRAK MARRY THAT THING YOU DO. ETHAN EMBRY IS NOT ON THE TABLE.
Rebecca: Oh, can I do Ethan Embry on a table? Is that up for discussion?
Carly: Can I kill Griffin Dunne if he's technically already dead? I'll kill him again.
Rebecca: Real talk, would you rather frak a vampire or a werewolf?
Courtney: I've honestly put a lot of thought into this. And I think vampire.
Rebecca: Werewolf frakking is more unpredictable and potentially violent, which isn't my jam, but vampires are pretentious.
Courtney: It all comes down to hating getting distracted while plucking hairs out of my mouth. It's bad enough dating a guy with a beard. But a full-body beard is too much.
Carly: I bet werewolves are great cuddlers afterward, though, so that's my pick. And vampires are cold and I don't want those ice fingers creepin' on me.
Rebecca: I don't want those ice fingers creepin' IN me.
Carly: As long as werewolf lover keeps himself clean and trimmed and neat for me, we shouldn't have any problems. It's just basic maintenance.
Rebecca: I know this is off-subject, but do vampires even have the bloodflow necessary to get hard?
Courtney: I'm literally thinking about logistics right now.
Rebecca: A vampire is literally dead and thus does not have proper circulation. You're going to have to do a LOT of work to get that undead member up to even half chub.
Courtney: Unless he's in rigor in which case, GAME ALWAYS ON.
Rebecca: Not a turn-on. Rigor Penis.
Courtney: Le Petit Mortis.
Rebecca: I do not want to get frakked by a half-limp icicle. I'll deal with the hair. Sorry.
Courtney: More vamps for me, bitches.
Rebecca: Do you remember those liquid tubes that you used to play with when you were kids? IDK if they were a ‘90s things or what. But they were liquid and they were like an elongated doughnut, with a hole inside? That's a vampire dong.
Courtney: I legit don't know how to google this.
Courtney: OHHHHHH THAT THING.
Courtney: It was like an early fleshlight.
Rebecca: Sometimes the vampire dongs have little plastic fishies in them.
Courtney: At least the fishies are kind of firm.
Rebecca: Thank you for the vamp dong talk. As always.
Courtney: How did we have this much talk of vamp dongs and no discussion of werewolf nards?