Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.
I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a post about how much we love Hermione Granger. For everyone else, game on!
We at SYFY FANGRRLS are clearly lovers and admirers of the greater works of Joss Whedon. While we at times have issues with the shows and the man himself, at the end of the day, our hearts beat for Buffy and our souls belong to the firefly ship Serenity. But, we ask ourselves, where do our other parts belong? We decided to play a game of Frak, Marry, Kill in order to find out.
Round 1: Buffy Summers, Zoe Washburne, Fred Burkle
Carly: First of all: how dare you.
Sara: Marry Zoe. Marry her two times. Renew vows every 10 years.
Courtney: Every single one of these women has been through TOO MUCH.
Carly: I don't know if I have it in me to subject any of them to MORE but okay let's talk it out.
Courtney: I mean I never like to play this card but Fred died already. She's dead.
Sara: Might as well make it twice.
Courtney: I don't know if that makes it better or worse. Kill her again, that's overkill. But is it enough to let her liiiiive?
Carly: So did Buffy, technically. Twice.
Courtney: Sh*t. True. I'm not killing Zoe though. She'd kill me back.
Sara: Zoe must stay.
Carly: I think I'm going to marry Fred. She's just the tender-hearted little nerdy science girl of my dreams and killing Amy Acker would be like staking my OWN heart, so no.
Sara: Honestly I think I'll K Buffy.
Courtney: God I'm actually leaning toward killing Buffy too and I'm so mad about it.
Carly: SAME. If only to give the girl a break. There are other Slayers now, she needs her rest.
Courtney: She seemed to really like Heaven.
Carly: SHE NEEDS TO GO BACK TO HEAVEN. THEY PULLED HER OUT OF HEEEEEAVEEEEEN.
Courtney: Like we're really HELPING. It's what she WANTS.
Carly: We're doing this for YOU, Buffy.
Sara: She died so that the others might live
Courtney: I think I'm frakking Zoe. Mostly because I don't know how good a frak Fred would be but I know she'd be a good wife. Maybe Wesley and I can have a thing going on the side I DON'T KNOW GUYS.
Carly: Oh I'd frak Zoe because you know she would be an absolute tiger in the sack and I would enjoy every single minute of it.
Courtney: I mean she would be incredible. And she is clearly comfortable with inferior weaklings. Which sums me up frankly.
Sara: Please stop objectifying my wife.
Carly: Respectfully objectifying!
Courtney: Respectful catcalls!
Carly: We're all about respect in FMK.
Courtney: Frak Marry Konsent.
Carly: Except when we aren’t. Some people just need to die.
Carly: Buffy was ready, though, so let's make that happen for her.
Round 2: Angel, Spike, Mal Reynolds
Sara: Kill Angel.
Courtney: Marry Angel. No one @ me. Kill Spike. No one @ me.
Carly: I just blew a raspberry and none of you could hear it. Blerrrrrp. The problem is I am slightly biased in favor of James Marsters so I'd probably have to at least frak Spike. Just once.
Courtney: Like. Here's the ish. I feel like Spike would be good at it. I feel like Mal would frankly be rubbish. BUT. I CANNOT LET AN ATTEMPTED RAPE GO UNPUNISHED. At the very least I cannot sacrifice my body, however good a time I might have.
Carly: And then mmmmmarrryyyyy Mal oh god that took so much out of me to even say.
Sara: Spike is nightmare. I guess I would marry Mal and just settle into that life of sadness if these are the options.
Carly: Maybe it could just be a marriage of convenience and we wouldn't have to spend any time together. Or we could invite Inara in for an open sitch.
Sara: Yeah I feel like Mal would be the one most likely to be ok with me dating outside of the relationship. Angel would just always be popping up outside of your window to cry a single tear. I can't.
Courtney: I'll frak Mal. I guess. I mean Fillion got kind of puffy there for a while, so we know he can eat. THAT SAID. You marry Mal, Christina Hendricks is statistically probably going to show up at some point.
Carly: Which I'm not mad about either.
Courtney: And then I run away with Christina Hendricks, everyone wins. Except Spike. He dead.
Sara: Mal's flexibility is what appeals
Carly: Oh did I say kill Angel? Kill Angel.
Sara: Yeah kill him again
Sara: He just monologues too much
Carly: I'm not into brooding either.
Courtney: You two right now:
The winter here's cold. And bitter.
Carly: Only less MacLachlan and tears.
Courtney: IT FEELS JUST LIKE I'M SINKING.
Sara: Oh right! He goes evil constantly too. Ughhhhh drama.
Round 3: The Comic Reliefs - Xander Harris, Hoban Washburne, Marty from Cabin in the Woods
Courtney: Yes I am counting CITW as part of the Whedonverse because this is a Courtocracy.
Carly: I approve.
Sara: And here we have a round of Kills. Kill Xander first because he deserves it the most.
Courtney: Marry everyone from Cabin in the Woods, tbh. Including the Zombie Redneck Torture Family. Kill Xander, bring him back, kill him again even harder.
Carly: Oh, Xander's automatic Kill.
Courtney: F*ck Xander.
Sara: Xander has GOT TO GO.
Carly: Glad we're all in agreement. BYE HARRIS.
Sara: Marry Anya, tbh.
Courtney: YOU NEVER HAD A SHOT WITH BUFFY, YOU ASSHAT. ANYA DESERVED BETTER. CORDY TOO. GOD, YOU SUCK.
Sara: Willow even deserved better. We the audience deserved better.
Carly: UGH now I'm mad.
Sara: He makes me frown!
Courtney: His eyes are beady. Marry Wash. Frak Marty, he'll def bring weed.
Carly: YES. I was just about to say, I'd frak Marty for the weed. Anything that helps you get through a potential apocalypse has got to be some good kush. Some kush for the push.
Sara: I'm in Denver so frakking someone for weed sounds completely absurd but I guess I still would.
Carly: I want his collapsible bong that doubles as a Thermos. That sh*t is TOIT. And yes, marry Wash. He's proven that he will be a living heart-eyes emoji over anyone he's married to already so you can be assured of his devotion.
Sara: This is good. Also his proximity to Zoe makes him the man of my dreams.
Courtney: Who doesn't like a dinosaur toy?
Carly: Maybe we can just push someone else into the harpoon spear later. Like Jayne.
Sara: Go back and kill Xander one more time.
Round 4: Joss Whedon, Adam Baldwin, an actual Reaver
Sara: Oh God wtf. K my way out of this one.
Carly: I refuse. I refuse on every principle on every level. No. Why. How. What.
Courtney: JK y'all, let's just choose death and go to heaven with Buffy.
Carly: Me, noping out of this choice:
Courtney: Honestly though, the Reavers can f*cking party.