While you were starting your day, making your coffee, rubbing the sleep from your eyes, you may have felt that something was… off. You couldn’t quite place your finger on it, but something in the atmosphere had shifted. A disturbance in the Thirst, if you will.
Jason Momoa shaved.
I know. I’m sorry to be the one who has to inform you of this new development. Feel free to take a minute or two to mourn. Queue up some mood music.
Let’s remember hairier times. One beard to rule them all.
OK, moving on. Now, this wasn’t some whim to punish thirsty fans who just won’t stop gushing about Aquaman. Momoa is out there trying to save the planet from the encroaching wave of plastic waste, encouraging people to embrace aluminum when they’re reaching for a water bottle. A noble venture to be sure, BUT AT WHAT COST?
This should be relaxing. Momoa speaking gently about environmental awareness while wearing Beetlejuice pants and making fun of the way Brits say “aluminum” should be some kind of horny ASMR for those of us who care about regulation hotties AND saving the planet. But then the clippers defeat the beard that has been allowed to flourish for seven years and viewers are plunged into despair.
Honestly, we’re all still reeling from the loss of Captain America’s beard in Avengers: Endgame, so this comes as an extra powerful blow to the vulnerable. Is no beard safe? Are we entering clean-shaven times? Which beard is next? Must we exchange our thirst for fear?
I’m not stupid. I understand that of course, Momoa is still unbearably handsome with or without a beard. His jawline probably deserves time to shine without the sexy thatching getting all the credit. While the beard was a part of the wildness that earned Momoa a starring role in so many of our daydreams, we must soldier on. We can get through this, people.
The beard will surely be back. They made such a big deal about how the new take on Aquaman was a cool, sexy bro and not the dweeb trying to make green and orange work together while hanging with his fish friends, and the wild hair and beard were an integral part of that reimagining. So, #BeardWatch2019 begins. It’ll be back. It’ll be back.