Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Fire on the latest episode of Wayward Pines

Contributed by
Jun 30, 2016, 6:03 PM EDT


Previously on Wayward Pines ... abbies be burning the crops down.

Now, on Wayward Pines ... abbies still burning crops, man. How many crops y'all got?

Yeah, this is not a "move the plot along" episode so much as it is a "let's look under the microscope and see just exactly how screwed Wayward Pines is" episode. So, how screwed are they? Well ...


- It turns out the abbies used to be pretty chill until gentrifying David Pilcher showed up in a helicopter and shot a bunch of them up so they'd back off while he built his (mostly whites-only, come to think of it) town of Wayward Pines. So if you were wondering why the #AbbyLivesMatter rally turned so violent, that would be the very justifiable reason.

- After Wayward Pines set fire to some abbies this season, the abbies backed off for a while -- not because the abbies were done fighting, but because they needed to figure out how to make their own fire bombs to exact some eye-for-an-eye and fire-for-a-fire revenge. Which they do. Any Wayward soldiers trying to put out the flames got a little heat up on themselves. It's a bit of a slaughter, so someone's gonna have to clean up the mess. No one has to clean up the crops, though. They gone. Sick burn, bro.

- Dr. Theo Yedlin, MD, gives a stirring speech at the hospital, because I guess we're up to that episode of M*A*S*H* already, and then they try to keep as many people alive as they can. They do exactly the right job, since it looks like they save almost everyone but Theresa Burke definitely dies. So good job, Theo. You're the hero to at least one person -- me.

- Xander and Theo aren't getting along, on account of they are both married to Rebecca, and that's kind of awkward. Rebecca is also feeling awkward for some reason, when I'm pretty sure if she plays it cool, there's a way to play doctor and get some candy at the same time.

- Anyway, Theo finally meets up with Megan Fisher, who is giving that female abby a brain scan. Turns out she is super smart and it looks like the abbies, in general, are maybe communicating telepathically. So, to recap, humanity is still stuck in the '50s, meanwhile, the abbies can share thoughts and chill in the woods without worrying about their cell phones.

-  Adam Hassler casually asks (screeches ike a baboon) if the female abby in captivity has a mark on her hand. She does. I guess she's their leader? Oops.

- Jason thinks he can rally the citizenry behind him with the worst Bill Pullman Independence Day speech. Jason basically says, "We have no food, we have little medicine, and death is assured, but let's try anyway". Meanwhile, the abbies counter by rallying in huge numbers around Wayward Pines where they all simultaneously start to Mongolian throat sing. I think? It's a dang racket, that's for sure. #TeamAbbies

And that's the episode. Thin. Like my hairline. Aw, self burn. Is there any good in this episode? Sure, and there's actually not much bad. But there's not much anything, really. That's the problem.


- This is Dr. Theo Yedlin, MD's shining moment. When he strides into that hospital and gets all that disaster in order? That was HOT. I mean, sure, also very professional of you, Dr. Theo Yedlin MD, but also take me now, I am yours.

- Ding dong, Theresa Burke is dead. About time. That character has served no point since day one. I can almost hear her faint cries for her sooooooooooooon Beeeeeeeeen as she glides along the River Styx. Almost. But not anymore. See ya, Burke family, wouldn't wanna be ya!

- The abbies being smart and sympathetic is probably a good call. A lesser show might let them be simple, mindless villains, but I think Wayward Pines, warts and all, is willing to let humanity be the monsters here. If nothing else, that's honest storytelling.


- As much as I am down for the emotional complexity of a woman who, oops, is married to two men, I'm not sure it fits in very well with the rest of the show. It's almost like they're trying to deal with the concept of polyamory which, sure, totally, go for it, but don't go for it if it's going to be relegated to a disconnected subplot.

- Again Djimon Hounsou is really left with very little to do. CJ is the crop guy an the history guy. This episode is about crops and history -- you'd think the man would take center stage. But, no, about the only things I really remember CJ doing are blowing his abby rape whistle and staring thoughtfully at a penny for reasons.

- It's an interesting conceit that, hey, maybe humanity shouldn't have survived after all, but it sure would be nice if Wayward Pines was doing a better job of equally convincing me of the opposite. I enjoy this weird show a lot, but I suspect a lot of people have switched off because they feel like they have no reason to care if humanity survives or not.


- Theo goes to the Bier Garten for some hooch. He picks out a nice bottle with a good label, but it turns out the swill inside was made outisde the town about a week ago. If that ain't a metaphor for Wayward Pines, I don't know what is.

- Arlene, girl, what crazy inspiring nonsense are you up to this week? Telling Dr. Theo Yedlin, MD that you have "a spare bedroom" he could use? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, knowwhatImean? Bless your little heart, Arlene. I swear I am pulling for this show to end with you and Theo as the only survivors, thus setting up the inevitable Adam and Eve situation.

- I know the show has named the captive female abby "Margaret" but they really should've named her Starey Smurf instead. That is literally all she does -- stare. What you staring at, girl? Take a Xanax.

And that's all. Again, just not a very eventful episode. We were gifted more reasons to like the abbies, now it sure would be nifty if we some more reasons to like anyone else.

See you next week!