How I met your mother on the latest episode of Wayward Pines

Contributed by
Jul 20, 2016, 11:29 PM EDT


Previously on Wayward Pines ... Margaret gets out of Wayward Pines, and I'm honestly pretty jealous at this point.

Now on Wayward Pines ... they go there. Where? You'll find out.

I've been wishing that this show would let Wayward Pines be weird again, but I guess I made that wish on a monkey's paw and didn't know it? Who's ready for a nauseating plot twist?


- Abbies are gathering in the thousands, and Dr. Theo Yedlin MD has decided that he wants his co-husband, Xander, to help him kill Jason because Jason is an idiot. Xander is provisionally on board but is like "Bro, what is your plan beyond murder, tho?"

- But, wait! Jason has an idea: Put the town's population back into cryostasis and wait for this whole abby thing to blow over. Ah, yes. The Shaun of the Dead plan. Winchester and pig snacks. Why didn't someone think of this earlier? Good idea, Jason.

- Oops, CJ says half the pods aren't ready. So that means half the town's gonna meet a grisly end. Jason isn't that upset, though, because my dude LIVES for deciding who lives and who dies. It's kind of his jam. So Jason tells Dr. Theo Yedlin MD to generate a list of the healthiest members of the town, but Theo's like "Bruh ...". This generates a debate over how one chooses who gets to live -- at random or with thoughtful bias? Jason points out that some people's skill are necessary, Theo reminds Jason that his main squeeze, Kerry, can't have babies and therefore wouldn't meet Pilcher's new world order criteria. Nothing like two dudes making decisions regarding a woman's autonomy! No consensus, but good money says Jason would probably save Kerry anyway.

- Guess who Jason didn't talk to? Kerry! Who who did talk to Kerry? Dr. Theo Yedlin MD! And Theo straight up lies and says Jason has already decided to leave Kerry to die. Theo's prescription for Kerry's condition is "Kill Jason". So at least he's consistent?

- And then there's the flashback sequence. I don't know if you're ready for this, fam, but here goes nothing. You remember how earlier in the season Pam said she was Jason's mother? Well... she lied. The flashback for this episode is the story of how David Pilcher really found Jason, the first baby he'd bring into his brave new future. At first, he seeks out this rich blonde girl, but she miscarries. So at the last possible minute, Pilcher finds another young girl who has just given birth to a healthy boy -- Kerry. Yes. That's right. Kerry isn't just Jason's girlfriend, she's also his mommy. Whoops.

- Anyway, Jason happens to find a secret file which reveals this information at the least convenient moment ever. Then Kerry shows up and is all "Hey, boo" and Jason's like OMG SHUDDER WHAT HAVE I DONE. The good(?) news is that Kerry somehow didn't know Jason was her baby boy, the bad(?) news is that Jason doesn't quite believe her and they wind up fighting over Jason's gun until it goes off and kills Jason.

My monkey's paw twisted my "make Wayward Pines weird" wish into an Oedipal nightmare. Remind me to stop making wishes on Arlene's behalf, I guess? Jeez. Anyway.


- This "who lives and who dies" debate is surprisingly effective. It would be a lot more effective if we knew more people in the town (oh, man what if the new Gilmore Girls series was about Stars Hollow in a post apocalyptic future). Anyway, the debate over random chance and pointed choice isn't easy. I mean, it's easier to decide between Theo and Jason since Jason is a crazy man boy who dresses like Hitler all the time, but it's still complicated. But Hitler Jr is right about one thing -- we do need doctors in the future. And Arlene. Arlene is essential to survival of comedy in the dystopic future genre.

- Theo being manipulative is also pretty cool. Xander tries to pull this "Rebecca chose me, bruh" and when Theo responds with "yeah, aaaaaaanyway, let's kill Jason," that was a real relief. The love triangle was dumb, Jason is dumb, and Dr. Theo Yedlin MD killed both of them two birds with one stone this episode. Killing it, Theo! Literally.


- They really sidelined the abby plotline this week. All we see is Margaret maybe dying while the other abbies try to heal her hand wound from last week. Considering the abbies have been more interesting than the humans lately, I'm disappointed we aren't learning more about them every week with so few episodes left to go.

- Do I have to say it? Why did "make Wayward Pines weird again" have to translate to incest?! Okay. Honestly? On the real tip? I think gross, horrifying stuff is kinda fun so incest is not my problem. My problem is that it's hard to believe that Kerry, understanding that Pilcher wanted her baby boy and then wanted her to join the citizens of Wayward Pines, does not realize that when Pilcher says he's sending baby Jason to Texas, he is lying. She comprehends the rest of it, but not the part that leads to her squishing parts with her son? It's just sloppy storytelling. That's all. Incest away, but do it in a way that makes sense.


- Okay, NOW we can talk about the incest. Look, if you can't have Arlene be hilarious (she's actually really normal this episode, bless) then you have to make up for that vacuum somehow. And incest is really popular on TV these days, thanks Game of Thrones. But Wayward Pines found it's own Piney way of expressing it. The episode actually shows a flashback of Jason flipping through his folders of women (he needs a special wife lady, you see) and then spies he's mother and is like "Mmmm... that's the honey right there". It's really something you need to see to really appreciate. Something to cross off the old bucket list.

And that's all for this week. We're almost done. How's the finale gonna shake out? Put your guesses in the comments. As you know my prediction is a beautiful wedding between Arlene and Dr. Theo Yedlin MD.