Warning: mild spoilers for Solo: A Star Wars Story.
The waitress didn't even blink when I opened the Solo: A Star Wars Story menu at Denny's and said, "I'd like everything on this menu, please." I assumed it was because it's Hollywood and she's seen crazier, but now I think it's because she knew what ordering the complete set of Solo items would bring me — the greater understanding I would have of the movie after I finished consuming five meals.
It might sound ambitious to order five full Denny's entrees, but what writer isn't willing to go to great lengths for a story? I'm no Leo DiCaprio preparing for The Revenant, but I did my homework (meaning I didn't eat breakfast). So, channeling my inner Han Solo, I headed to the nearest Denny's to complete the equivalent of a smuggling gig, along with a co-pilot (who I'll call Chewie) to help me escape unscathed. Luckily, I recorded it all in the Millennium Falcon's log in case I didn't make it, and now I'm sharing it with the world.
TL;DR, here's a review of the Denny's Solo menu featuring spoilers for Solo: A Star Wars Story.
First up, it's time to carbo-load for the long journey off Corellia with this Co-Reactor Pancake Breakfast, which features a stack of pancakes topped with strawberry sauce with a side of a warm citrus sauce to remind you of the planets you'll never get to see before you die on this heist. Have we mentioned that it's a dangerous mission? But these poached eggs, hashbrowns, bacon and sausage are a great last meal. They'll soak up all of that alcohol you drank after that broken heart you suffered leaving Qi’ra (Emilia Clarke) behind. She would've loved the strawberries.
Apparently (according to the menu), the Co-Reactor Pancakes should also have come with whipped cream and pop rocks. THEY DID NOT. This is the first foreshadowing of the deception to come. As Tobias (Woody Harrelson) obviously said in the film, "Never trust anyone, especially when it comes to branded breakfast foods." Get it together, Han. How can you become an epic smuggler when you don't even know you've been hoodwinked?!
Once you wake up post-hangover, it's time for a fresh start. After all, you're in the military now, Han. You need to get in shape. It's time to speed this plot up a few years with a Lightspeed Slam. This will get you all prepped for military life with a giant, delicious cup of fruit alongside a spinach, tomato, and egg white scramble. The spinach was slightly wilted (like your heart) and the tomatoes only served to remind of the blood of lost comrades on the battle field. Plus there's an English muffin. Remember how Qi’ra has an English accent? Oops, let's try not to think of her. Just eat some turkey bacon for heart health. Maybe it'll heal quicker.
It's time to go see a man about a ship, and that means a quick trip to a sketchy bar where we all know you can get the best burgers. The Blaster Fire Burger will keep you on your toes in case this whole deal gets spicy. And well, it does — just like the burger. But at least your stomach will be full of the yummy chipotle gouda cheese, bacon, and spicy ghost pepper sauce at the end of the long journey.
Those delicious Bacon Cheddar Tots looked too much like baby Porglets for me to eat, but Chewie seemed to have NO PROBLEM. The only real issue with the burger was how quickly it fell apart. Although, in this instance, it's really just another case of foreshadowing. We should've known reuniting with Qi'ra wouldn't be as simple as making out in Lando's cape closet.
As we make our way through the galaxy aboard a new ship in hopes of finally completing the heist, it almost felt like it could all work out. Lando, Qi'ra, L-37, Chewie, and Tobias all joining together for a common goal, kind of like the Two Moon Skillet. Lando's the diced ham. Qi'ra's the fresh spinach, Tobias is the cheddar cheese, Chewie is clearly the hash browns, and L-37 is the mushrooms. Han is the gouda cheese sauce trying to hold this mess together.
While delicious, once thrown into the skillet with the heat turned up it's all a little too much. The grease starts causing problems and before you know it, the whole thing's clogging up your arteries, the rebellion is out of hand, and THERE IS NO WAY OUT EXCEPT THROUGH AN ASTEROID FIELD OF EGGS.
Can the pop rocks be contained? Does the ice cream melt? WHO CAN YOU TRUST? Only watching Solo: A Star Wars Story can give you the answers you seek. Or you could go order a shake at Denny's.
The Solo: A Star Wars Story menu is available at participating Denny's locations through June 26.