Idris for Everything: Wolverine

Contributed by
Feb 22, 2018, 12:28 PM EST (Updated)

Listen, we all know this time is coming. We can put it out of our minds as if failing to think or speak about it will somehow freeze time and stop said moment, or at least somehow slow the march to a mere crawl, but the truth is we aren't mutants. We are mere mortals. And we cannot stop the day that Hugh Jackman hangs up his adamantium claws and ceases to be Wolverine.

It's silly to think that Marvel and Fox would want to see one of the most popular superheroes completely retired from the big screen. And I know, it's hard to imagine anyone else as the ornery, cigar-smoking, F-bomb-dropping Logan. Hugh and Wolverine have become one, and how do you move on from that? With time, of course, and with great casting. Because there is a man who possess the physicality, the raw magnetism, and the commanding presence that are needed to be Wolverine. And that man is Idris F**king Elba.

First off, I'm not here for your "Logan's white so Wolverine has to be white" nonsense. Wolverine's adamantium was surgically added to him as part of the Weapon X program, a procedure he was able to endure only due to his healing mutation. Therefore, "Wolverine" is a mantle. Logan is a person, and they're two separate things. So sit down and take a few deep breaths, nerds. Your beloved Logan will never change. As for Wolverine, well, we already know Logan isn't the only one of his kind. In fact, rarely are supers the only version. So let's talk about the new and improved Wolverine and why Idris is the only man for the job.

First, Wolverine the character shares some traits with wolverine the animal, and it ain't the claws. A wolverine is stocky and muscular. It's like a bear but not a bear, but can kill pretty much whatever it damn well wants because it can. Wolverines are ruthless. They can fight anything. And I don't know if you're aware, but someone else is a legitimate fighter in their own right and won their professional kickboxing debut …

And look, kickboxers don't play. His coach, a three-time muay thai world champion, isn't going to waste his time training him to fight unless he's going to fight, Hollywood actor or not.

You may be thinking, "Okay, great. So he can throw a few elbows and round kicks." I understand. Nerds are hard to please. And there's more to Wolverine than kicking ass and taking names. If someone is going to fill that 6'2" Australian hole in the X-Men movies, they have to bring way more to the table. And this 6'3" Brit definitely does. Wolverine can only become the lethal killing machine if he possess the ability to heal. A mutation that also vastly slows down his aging. And while Hugh is only four years older than Idris, Idris is pretty damn close to being ageless.

Look at him. Seriously. LOOK. AT. HIM.

I ... I forgot what I was saying. Where was I? Oh yeah. Agelessness. Benjamin Button has nothing on Wolverine or on Idris Elba. It's safe to assume he could easily carry the torch for another decade and still look better than most 30-year-olds.

Lastly, and yes, this matters, the next man to play Wolverine needs to have the same type of effect on audiences as a shirtless Hugh Jackman does on everyone with eyes.

In fact, this time around, let's really lean into the gay moments in his history. Maybe even borrow a page out of Daken's short-lived book and let Wolverine be the bisexual hero we all want.

Sexual orientation is irrelevant when it comes to Idris. He transcends it. If you have a pulse, you know this man is a sexy beast, and denying it means you're a damn dirty liar or dead, so RIP.

Look, Omaze, just take all our money and everyone else's, because we all want to be Idris' Valentine and pound his yams and drink him like a glass of cham-pahn-yaaah. And when we make more money, we'll just give it to whatever X-Men installment Idris as Wolverine is introduced in.