Let's assess the BDE of our favorite genre characters

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Jun 27, 2018, 4:00 PM EDT

Look, we like to have a lot of fun around here. But when it's time to discuss topics of importance, we are nothing but serious because this is serious business, deserving of our utmost respect and journalistic integrity.

Anyway, let's talk about d*cks.

The internet has been abuzz—downright throbbing—about the concept of BDE lately, or Big D*ck Energy. BDE is not about body parts. BDE is not limited to people who have penises and excludes no one, and while we could get into a larger conversation about penises are markers of virility thanks to toxic masculinity and any other number of more important factors, we need this right now, memetically speaking. BDE is a state of mind, a feeling. It's also massively subjective and goes beyond mere words like "swagger" or "mojo." BDE is the whole package—pun intended.

The world of genre is resplendent with BDE, but not always in places you might think. So let's break down our favorite genre characters and assess their exact level of BDE.

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Who has BDE in Star Wars?

See, this is exactly why "cocky swagger" does not BDE make. Because while Han Solo is the living embodiment of those words, whatever BDE he has is fragile at best. Delicate. Luke obvs has zero BDE until the end of The Last Jedi, when he becomes a shoulder-dusting BDE icon. Finn lacks BDE, but Poe has enough that they have very real OTP BDE. But it is the women of Star Wars who most glow with BDE, specifically Leia Organa with Admiral Holdo as a close (very close—we've read the fanfic) second. 


Which Doctor has the most BDE?

If we open it up to the whole show we'll be here all day because EVERYONE on that show is dripping with BDE. Especially Captain Jack Harkness (o captain, my captain, indeed) and our beloved Dr. Mrs. The Doctor. The only water in the forest is the river and the most BDE in the universe is also the River. But limiting it to the Doctors, David Tennant is obviously a glowing Tinkerbell of BDE. Capaldi is pure DBE. You wouldn't think Peter Davison would have much BDE but that celery has seen some things. Tom Baker had BDE until he and Lalla Ward broke up and then I think she took his BDE, ground it up and snorted it in front of him just to watch him cry. Which is pretty BDE, tbh. 


Which Disney characters have BDE?

This is important. Our childhoods have been leading to this very moment where we can accurately assess the d*ck-based confidence levels of our youthful heroes. Mufasa, Princess Jasmine and Prince Naveen of Maldonia clearly have the most BDE of all Disney royalty, but the B-est DE can be found amongst the villains. Ursula has more BDE in her smallest tentacle than any living breathing human could ever dare dream. 


Who has BDE on Game of Thrones?

The night is dark and full of d*ck energy but not all of it big. Tyrion has Big D*ck Energy for sure. Jon Snow has no Big D*ck Energy whatsoever. Joffrey had Is A D*ck Energy. In the case of Theon Greyjoy, it's more of an Absence of D*ck Energy. In the seven kingdoms, once again, the majority of the BDE lies with the women of the show. Brienne of Tarth? That DE is as big as she is tall and perfect. Cersei? Her BDE is lethal, just knocking over entire buildings with her D. Arya? A girl has no name but if she did it would be Big D*ck Starklet. Olenna Tyrell? Even dead she has more BDE in her weird veil thing than six Jeff Goldblums riding a peacock. But the most BDE belongs to Daenerys's dragons. Big flaming flying BDE sailing through the sky. I think I need that as a velvet painting.


Which Harry Potter characters have BDE?

I mean, not many, tbh. Definitely not Harry. Definitely not Ron. Definitely not Snape. Cedrick Diggory maybe but then Harry cried LDE tears all over his dead body and sullied him. It's all on you, Hermione. Take this BDE and learn to fly. 


Who has BDE in the Marvel Cinematic Universe?

This is where things get tricky. Because you would think the Avengers would be replete with BDE. But... not really. Tony Stark? He wishes. Banner? Adorable. Hawkeye? LOL. Per usual, the villains are the ones with all the BDE. Sorry, Tumblr, but not Loki. Loki tries way too hard to have any D resembling B. But the Grandmaster? Ultron? Sh*t, even Garry Shandling? Those dudes have BDE. Hela? BDE OFF THE DAMN CHARTS. Even in terms of those doing the thrilling heroics, not much in the way of BDE can be found among our core Avengers, but Valkyrie? DRINKIN' BOTTLES OF THAT BDE GARNISHED WITH MORE BDE. Rocket Raccoon? THAT'S WHY HIS TAIL IS SO BIG, IT'S FULL OF BDE-CRETS.


But who has the most BDE in all of genre?

Put that magic jump on me / slap that baby, make him free / bless us with that BDE. I mean, could it possibly be anyone else but Jareth the Goblin King? Hey, who's got two thumbs, an armadillo in his pants and a name filled with a B, two Ds and an E? DAVID EM-EFFIN' BOWIE PEOPLE. And with less than a month till SDCC, let this be a call to potential cosplayers: if you come for the king, you best not miss. Let the BDE flow and make Bowie proud. Also wear a dance belt.