Jurassic Park celebrates its 25th anniversary this year. It’s borne four movies in its wake – The Lost World: Jurassic Park, Jurassic Park III, Jurassic World, and June 22’s Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom.
If there’s one thing the movies have in common – besides dinosaurs – it is that they can offer some valuable life lessons for all of us. We’re stoked for Fallen Kingdom, which will undoubtedly teach us more valuable life lessons, but we can already give you one: Listen to Owen Grady (Chris Pratt).
Observe the following list and let us know what life lessons from the Jurassic franchise you have learned...
1. Always listen to Ellie Sattler (Jurassic Park)
Dr. Ellie Sattler is a skilled paleobotanist who can tell by sticking her arm into a giant pile of poop exactly what's making that triceratops sick, and even more impressive, managed to make us think that khaki shorts are actually a good idea. So when she tells John Hammond that he's been building a flea circus here the whole time and the biggest illusion of all is that he ever had control of it, you know she's right.
2. Always Use Round Doorknobs (Jurassic Park)
Sure, who could have predicted that those raptors would have turned out as smart as they did? And yet, just to be on the safe side, maybe don't use those flat-handle doorknobs that can be easily manipulated by halfway intelligent animals? As smart as those raptors were, we doubt they could get those claws to work a classic round doorknob.
3. Try to Hold It (Jurassic Park)
This is a lesson that bore out in two consecutive films, so you know it's an important one: If you have to use the bathroom, and there are dinosaurs all around, consider ... not doing that. Sure, you're risking a kidney infection, but check out what happened when lawyer Donald Genarro and henchman Dieter Stark strayed from the path to use the facilities.
4. Maybe Don't Put Your Dinosaur Preserve on an Island Chain Called the "Cinco Muertos" (Jurassic Park)
This one is pretty easy. If you know you're building a theme park or "biological preserve" (nice euphemism there, Hammond) and are looking for a home, perhaps avoid any islands that are part of a chain called "The Five Deaths" in Spanish. Don’t do that.
5. Listen to Ian Malcolm (The Lost World)
Dr. Malcolm tries to tell you so many times: In Jurassic Park, he warns Hammond that trying to control the dinosaurs is folly and that "life finds a way." In The Lost World: Jurassic Park, he can't stop reminding everyone how no one listens to him. In Jurassic Park III, his absence speaks volumes. And in the upcoming Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, it looks like Dr. Malcolm is back again to provide the kind of wisdom that nobody ever heeds.
6. Parents, Pay for Those Gymnastics Lessons (The Lost World)
You never know when they're going to come in handy.
7. Eat Something Before You Go Face Dinosaurs (Jurassic Park III)
We don't know what the heck was going on with Alan Grant to cause that trippy, freaky, acid trip dream of facing the raptors. Maybe he was hungry. Word of advice: Eat something next time.
8. Don’t Put Your Phone on Vibrate (Jurassic Park III)
Sure, it may be the polite thing to do at dinner parties or movie theaters, but it can also save your life.
9. Ellie Sattler Will Save Your Behind (Jurassic Park III)
Yes, this is pretty much just an extension of Lesson #1. But it bears repeating. And not enough people give Ellie credit for saving literally everybody in this movie. And she only needed two scenes to do it!
10. Don't Traumatize Your Children (Jurassic World)
We get it, Karen Mitchell (Judy Greer). You're not a regular mom, you're a cool mom. Crackin' jokes and whatnot. But when your two kids — one of whom already looks like a bit of a scaredy-cat (sorry, Gray, you know it's true) — are about to head to the dinosaur park, try not to joke about them running away from monsters. Because if that's what actually happens, you're gonna feel like a jerk.
11. Keep a Pair of Sneakers at Your Desk (Jurassic World)
This one is an evergreen lesson: a nice, comfy pair of sneakers at your desk keeps you free to have lunch outside, hit the gym, or go for a walk after work if the weather is nice. It also means you'll have options when the genetically modified dinosaurs you've created break free and start killing people. Next time, maybe you won't need to flee the Indominous Rex in your high heels.
12. Claire Dearing Has Powers (Jurassic World)
That said, Bryce Dallas Howard has showcased she has superior DNA because she’s actually running from a dinosaur in heels.