Lord of the G-Strings and 12 other sci-fi porn parodies

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Adam-Troy Castro
Dec 14, 2012

Porn parodies have been booming lately, thanks to the runaway success of Hustler's This Ain't [Insert Beloved Television Show Title Here] XXX and its hordes of imitators—and besides, sci-fi has always been fertile ground for filthy re-interpretation.

Coming attractions include X-rated takeoffs on the original campy Batman series, James Cameron's epic Avatar, mysterious-island TV series Lost and teen vampire sensation Twilight: New Moon. While you're waiting for those premieres, here's a list of 13 past and recent flicks that put sexy in sci-fi.

Flesh Gordon (1974)

Flesh Gordon is a classic of the genre, based on the '30s Flash Gordon serials and hewing remarkably close to the original stories in terms of plot, with hero Flesh and his love interest Dale Ardor fending off the world-conquering aspirations of villainous Wang the Perverted. By modern sensibilities it's more camp than smut—it was even recut for release with an R rating—though there's plenty of nudity after Wang aims his Sex Ray at planet Earth and drives everyone into a frenzy. One of the directors claims he originally filmed hardcore scenes—gay and straight!—that were seized by a vice cop and presumably destroyed ... but maybe they grace some lucky collector's vault.

Quantum Deep (1993)

While in TV show Quantum Leap a scientist found himself leaping through time into the bodies of people in need of help, Quantum Deep's lucky inventor leaps through time with his wife to find people in need of sex. Their historical visits including an ancient Roman orgy, a 1977 disco and the inevitable robot threesome in the far future of 2020. It doesn't actually have that much in common with the real Quantum Leap, but you have to give them credit for a clever title.

The Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String (2002)

The Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String is one of many Lord of the Rings parodies, any of which would probably set Tolkien spinning in his grave. Dildo Saggins, possessor of an all-powerful bit of skimpy underwear, must face the flatulent dark lord Sourasse with the help of assorted scantily clad associates. There are puns aplenty, from the setting (Diddle Earth) to the inhabitants (Throbbits), but the action is surprisingly tame for modern porn, more silly than hardcore.

Sex Wars (1985)

It's hard to choose among the countless Star Wars parodies, but Bob Vosse's classic Sex Wars has an enduring appeal. The more recent Porn Wars films are infinitely more filthy, but Sex Wars has a vastly superior sense of humor and attention to detail. Princess Layme convinces interplanetary ne'er-do-wells Mark Starkiller and Brinker Duo to accompany her on an "erogenous space odyssey" in a film that successfully mimics the look of ... well, not Star Wars, really, but certainly the various low-budgeted Star Wars ripoffs of the time. As for the plot ... well, it's certainly no worse than The Star Wars Holiday Special.

Sex Busters (1984)

Ghostbusters may not obviously cry out for a mainstream hetero porn parody—I mean, four guys, a firehouse, lots of slime, the mind goes in other directions—but Sex Busters did its best, produced so quickly (and shoddily) that it actually coincided with the cinematic release of Ghostbusters. The lovely female Sex Busters, armed with an array of sex toys, drive their sexmobile to save those in need of a good lay. There aren't really any, you know, ghosts, but you can't have everything.

This Ain't Star Trek XXX (2009)

Inspired by J.J. Abrams' reboot of the Star Trek franchise, This Ain't Star Trek XXX goes with the look and feel of The Original Series, complete with costumes as least as good as you're likely to see on attendees at a Trek convention. The movie could have been just another lousy Trek spoof—there are many—but the producers made two inspired choices: They closely mimicked the plot of "Space Seed," the episode that introduced genetic superman Khan Noonien Singh, and they cast Evan Stone—porn's pre-eminent scenery-chewing cornball leading man—in the role of Capt. Kirk. Stone does his best to out-Shatner Shatner, and the result is both vastly entertaining and weirdly true to its source material. It's like dirty, dirty fanfic brought to life—but there's no Kirk/Spock slash, I'm afraid, so don't get too excited.

Pirates (2005)

Pirates reportedly had a million-dollar budget, which is chump change compared to the $140 million spent on its inspiration, Pirates of the Caribbean, but it's a pretty astonishing budget for porn and broke records at the time. The money bought a lot of top-notch porn talent (doing their best to actually act), surprisingly high production values (though they didn't tell the owners of the ship they used that they were making pirate porn, just a pirate movie), and—in the equally expensive sequel Pirates II, at least—CGI sea monsters. Plus sword fights of ... various kinds.

Buffy, the Vampire Layer (1996)

While there's another Buffy porn parody upcoming based on the TV series, The Vampire Layer is inspired by the more lighthearted feature film starring Kristy Swanson. Blond and perky Kristi Myst isn't all that interested in slaying vampires, though, when she can sleep with them instead ... which, come to think of it, sort of foreshadows the events of the Buffy TV series, doesn't it?

Edward Penishands (1991)

This legendary take on Tim Burton's Edward Scissorhands has a door-to-door sex-toy saleswoman—who knew there were such things?—discovering the waiflike Edward ... who has a huge penis at the end of each arm. It's actually pretty creepy, but when you sell dildos in suburbia all day, your perceptions probably get skewed. The original Edward used his scissor-digits to give haircuts, and his porn counterpart discovers a remarkably intuitive use for his unusual appendages, too. This one is a bit skimpy on plot, though it does run through a few variations on iconic scenes from the Burton film—and in the end it's a lot less sad, if only because you never much care what happens to the penis-armed weirdo.

The Sex Files (2009)

Fans of The X-Files endured seasons of unconsummated sexual tension between occult-investigating FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, but porn is all about making the implicit explicit, and star Kimberly Kane does an exceptional Scully imitation here. Originally titled The X-Files: A Dark XXX Parody, the film ran afoul of the mainstream film company's legal department and made with a swift name change. There's real affection for the source material here, though, and it's quite watchable as a parody, with our intrepid agents stalking a creepy killer ... and all the attractive naked people don't hurt. It's a wonder they get any investigating done, though.

Tru: A XXX Parody (2010)

This take on the HBO series True Blood—itself based on Charlaine Harris' fun Southern Vampire novels—is mostly true to the source material and has some good scenes, but the vampire hair and makeup are unspeakably bad—the male performers would look better if they were actually dead. While the HBO show may not feature full penetration and money shots, it does have its share of bare skin and steamy character interactions, and though she's pretty enough, porn star Ashlynn Brooke is no Anna Paquin. Tru isn't as sexy as the TV show it parodies, which surely counts as some kind of failure.

This Ain't the Munsters XXX (2009)

Yes, that's right. It's a spoof of the '60s goofy comedy series about a family of monsters and their "normal" niece, filled with hardcore sex. Some things are just so horrible you can't make yourself look away. (Though, come to think of it, Lily Munster always was kind of hot ... ) Herman Munster's Frankenstein-style makeup and prosthetics are actually quite well done, which makes it all the more disturbing when you see him having sex. If you grew up watching the show—or even the reruns on cable—you may need to wash your brain with bleach afterward, but the director's attention to detail is admirable, in its way.

Sex World (1978)

In this parody of Westworld, a group of tourists take a bus to a high-tech sex resort, overseen by a horny computer and a gaggle of white-coated technicians. The characters get to live out their fantasies or overcome their inhibitions (a racist gets some therapy by sleeping with a black woman, for instance). Probably more fun, on balance, than visiting a theme park full of murderous robot cowboys. For now it's probably the best parody of a Michael Crichton film out there, at least until someone buys my script for The Andromeda Stain.

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