Valar Morghulis, everyone, Game of Thrones is back! The final season of the acclaimed series is upon us, and now it's just a few short weeks until we find out for certain who's gonna live, who's gonna die, and who we were utterly foolish to trust.
Is there anyone in the world of Game of Thrones that is trustworthy? Absolutely, but trust does not always equal competence. It also comes in degrees — I might trust some of the characters on this show with certain things, but not with others.
Who, for instance, would I trust to babysit my children? I'll make this clear right away — I don't have children, but what if I did? What if my pretend children (two of them, let's say) need someone to babysit for the evening, and the only potential babysitters around are characters from this show? I can't possibly imagine a scenario like that ever taking place in real life, but I also can't possibly imagine how electricity works. My lights stay on anyway.
It's almost easier to make a list of characters that I would never trust: Any and all Greyjoys, Cersei Lannister, Qyburn, Ramsey Bolton, Roose Bolton, The Night King, Ramsey Bolton, Petyr Baelish, Varys, any and all Dothraki, Stannis Baratheon, Selyse Baratheon, Robert Baratheon, Meryn Trant, Melisandre, and Ramsey Bolton immediately come to mind. They would get an immediate "no thank you."
Who does that leave? Who would I consider? If I don't trust them fully with my fake kids, what other parts of my life would I trust them with? Let's count down the top 10. I have no idea why any of these characters would be interested in helping me, but let's play pretend.
He’s pure of heart, and he's been watching a baby for quite a while. He's battle tested, having killed a White Walker, and he also survived when the wildlings attacked Castle Black. He's also pretty good with handling bedpans. Sam has the best intentions, but he could potentially get sidetracked. He might not be able to defend against any and all potential threats.
I might not trust him with babysitting, but I’d definitely trust him to water my plants. This is not a slight — my plants are very real, I love them, and I take them seriously.
Once again, Luwin is pure of heart, and together with Maester Aemon, he's one of the only Maesters worth a damn on this show. He took good care of Bran and the rest of the Stark clan and would be an endless font of knowledge.
Still, when it comes to protection, there’s not much he can do. I’d trust him with the plants, and if I had pets, I’d trust him with them. If I had kids, I’d love him to tutor them if he would be willing to. They'd better listen to him.
Calculating? Yes. Hungry for power? Absolutely. Someone who would abuse a child? Not at all. She was a good friend to Sansa when she needed it most, and she was the only one who realized that something bad was going to happen in that Sept. She is incredibly smart, and when she wants to be, she's kind.
I’d work up to babysitting with Margaery if she were willing. My theoretical kids would probably love her, and once they were comfortable, we'd be good to go. Though, I'd ask that she not take the kids to the Great Sept of Baelor. I don't think she'd mind.
Brienne of Tarth
This was tough, and part of me thinks that the incredible Lady Brienne should rank higher. When it comes to true honor and nobility, few characters rival her. She did, on the other hand, make many (many, many) mistakes during her quest to find the Stark sisters. Her mentorship of Podrick has been fantastic, however, so there are points on both sides.
Still, I have no doubt that she would give her life before letting anything happen to my fictitious children. I would certainly trust her to babysit, but I'd kindly ask her not to let the kids leave the apartment. No multi-season quests to try and recover them, if you please.
Here's a controversial pick, and I'm already regretting it. Tywin is ruthless and was not a good parent... but if he was on my side? If he assuredly, beyond any doubt, shared common interest in my kids? I would take the chance.
Tywin is one of the smartest characters that has ever appeared on the show… the fact that he was killed on a toilet, well, we'll skip that. He was awful to his real children, but proved to be a very interesting (and not unkind) mentor to Arya in Season 2. He'd use his tactical genius to make the apartment safe, and deploy his vast armies in such ways that nobody would think twice about screwing with my fake children.
If I were a Lannister, there'd be nobody better. Tyrion is my favorite character, but I'd be too worried that he'd get drunk, or get the children themselves drunk. He drinks and he knows things, he never mentions babysitting. That said, when it comes to trust, it's hard to choose. I am rethinking this entire entry.
Here's another instance where duty and honor flow through the veins of this man to a fault; Jon would likely sacrifice himself for my imaginary children without thinking twice.
Not only would I trust him to babysit, I'd trust him to give the children back to me when I returned from whatever super-important event I'm attending. If there were an attack, Jon would take another dagger in the heart before letting anything happen to the kiddies. I'd trust him with my banking information, too — he doesn't lust for monetary things and is too honorable to steal. Some say he knows nothing, but he knew how to be a great brother to Arya. I trust him completely.
She's too pure for Westeros or Essos, so Missandei of Naath would be a perfect babysitter. If Grey Worm came along with her, that's all the better.
She could teach my invisible children different languages, she could entertain them, and she would doubtlessly let the evening pass unnoticed so nobody would even think to give them any trouble. I'd trust her with my bank info also, as well as access to my Seamless account. She can order whatever meal from whatever local restaurant she wants, no questions asked. $135 worth of seafood from a sketchy diner? Fine. Whatever she wants.
This could be dangerous, but maybe my dream children like danger. Arya is someone that could seriously teach these kids a thing or two, and she's young enough that they would relate to her. As for anyone who might try to muck things up? Yeah, I'd pity anyone who tried.
If one of my fake children was female, she could let her know that she doesn't have to worry about societal expectations. If one of them was male, then she'd certainly teach that little whippersnapper how to properly respect others. She'd get the job, the bank info, the Seamless meal, and the passwords to all of my streaming accounts. I think that she'd find some movies and shows in there that she'd really like.
Perhaps my undying love for Davos is blinding me here, but we've seen how good he can be with children. When Stannis "Father of the Year" Baratheon was planning the best way to burn his only daughter alive, Davos was proving to be the real father figure in her life. He didn't let it go after she passed, either.
Davos is smart, loyal, funny, great with children, and completely trustworthy. He'd get the kids, the bank info, the Seamless order, the streaming access, and (seven hells, why not?) a key to the apartment itself.
She is almost certainly too busy to take a babysitting job for two kids that don't exist, but if she could find the time? She's the queen that I choose, and not only because she'd bring two dragons and two armies with her. If I somehow won her loyalty, I wouldn't doubt for a second that my invisible kids would be perfectly safe with her.
They'd be able to learn Valyrian, get to know dragons (carefully), and spend time learning about the experiences of someone who has well and truly been through it. Plants, pets, kids, bank, Seamless, streaming, keys, and seriously? She can just adopt my fake kids. She can have me, too, while we're at it. I don't care. We'll be one big Targaryen family, and that would be that. If I was the type of person that kept their heart in a mason jar, I'd give her the jar.
Here's hoping my imaginary kids like dragons.