Rash of cannibalism pressures gov't to declare zombies not real

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Dec 17, 2012, 3:27 PM EST

Cannibalism is in the news a lot lately, what with people eating other people's faces and hearts and dismembering bodies left and right. So many human-on-human eating incidents have come to light lately that the Centers for Disease Control had to come out and officially declare that (as far as they know) zombies are not coming to get you.

What seems like a wave of flesh-hungry psychos apparently started Saturday in Miami, when cops had to shoot and kill a 31-year-old man who was busy eating another man's face off. Three days later, a Maryland man was arrested after admitting to police that he killed his roommate and and devoured his heart and brain. Meanwhile in Canada, cops are searching for a low-budget porn star who allegedly killed a man and then raped, dismembered and ate part of the corpse. Yikes.

All this has come together to convince certain true believers that the apocalypse is upon us, and a number of news agencies have linked the incidents to basically ask "What the hell is going on?" By Friday morning "zombie apocalypse" was the third most popular search term on Google, so clearly someone needs to step in and provide some answers.

Cue David Daigle, a CDC spokesperson given the task of letting the world know that, though cannibalism is something people do to one another on occasion, it doesn't mean the dead will walk and devour your brains.

"CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms)," Daigle said in an email Thursday that was either a serious attempt to shut the Internet up (no easy task) or a single link in an elaborate government cover-up to keep us from knowing the truth about the Living Dead.

If you think you can take Daigle and his agency at their word, then have a nice weekend relaxing at home. The rest of us will be doing cardio, stocking up on ammo and practicing crossbow headshots. You know, just in case.

(Via Huffington Post)