Rebecca is the architect of her own misfortune on the latest episode of Wayward Pines

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Jun 23, 2016, 9:58 AM EDT


Previously on Wayward Pines ... sugar and spice and reproductive organs which must be used as soon as possible, that's what little girls are made of.

Now on Wayward Pines ... if you thought being a woman in this town stinks, you're right! But did you also know that gay people don't exist in the future? Yuuuuuup. No problems here.

If I were M. Night, I wouldn't keep my hopes up that Logo will re-air this show someday. But enough talk about the RuPaul network, time for your weekly reminder that humans are the real monsters, yay!


- Last week, Corey ran into an abbie at the ol' carousel, as all the cool kids do in the 41st century. Turns out this abby is different, because she is a lady. She's also docile, a real genteel southern belle, because she doesn't attack anyone. Don't worry, though, because despite Doctor Theo Yedlin MD being in charge, Megan Fisher is still gonna torture that she-abbie and take all her liquids until she telepathically makes the other abbies come back and burn all the crops. 

- As anyone who even passively watches this show already guessed, Rebecca Yedlin was responsible for designing the town of Wayward Pines. Granted, she didn't know when she was architecting away that she was building a crazy future land for Norman Rockwell enthusiasts. She should've known, though. David Pilcher was full-on Heaven's Gate from their first meeting. But Rebecca didn't figure things out until it was too late and, oopsie daisy, Pilcher pilfered her and put her in a cryo chamber. So Rebecca winds up marrying Xander while Theo was sleeping, because she's lonely and sad. Jeez, Rebecca's mother has been dead for two millennia, but I can still hear her corpse spinning -- you left a doctor to marry the candy man?!

- Last week, poor Lucy was being told she'd have to be pregnant. This week, Lucy's brother, Corey, is supposed to be breeding, but he can't get it up. So Corey asks Doctor Theo Yedlin MD for some boner pills, but Theo's like "Bruh ... you real gay". But, hey, guess what -- Corey doesn't even know what being gay is, because the adults thought if they didn't say anything, gay kids wouldn't exist. Oh, and also Corey says he'll be killed if he's gay. So Corey doesn't know what being gay is, but he already knows what being gay is like just fine. Yup. Just another sunshine day here in Wayward Pines, everybody!

- Doctor Theo Yedlin MD punches Xander in the face on account of the cuckolding, as you do. Then Rebecca sleeps on the couch. Now would be a good time to unfreeze a couples therapist, maybe?

- Theresa Burke finds out that Adam Hassler sent Ethan to Wayward Pines because Adam was in love with Theresa and wanted Ethan out of the way. And also, Adam agreed to be cry-frozen after he found out the Pilchers pilfered (yes, I'm using this joke twice) Theresa and Ben, too. Adam wants Theresa to forgive him, but Theresa wants her family not to be dead, so the odds of forgiveness aren't great. 

 Kind of a slow episode, but don't worry, you can always rely on Arlene for some nonsense. But before we get to the best part of the show ...


- There is a fascinating power dynamic on this show, drawn down gender lines, that has parallels between both abbies and humans. While Jason, Theo and CJ are the ones to make the final decisions, it's Megan, Rebecca and Kerry who are manipulating those decisions every step of the way. And, likewise, while it's the male abbies who have been committing the physical violence, it seems that it might be the female abbies who are getting them to do the violence in the first place. It's a game with no victors, though. The men are in charge, but they're also often the ones to be on the frontlines for death. And while the women might have some perceived safety, their control is limited and does not include much control over their own bodies. It may not exactly be subtle, but this is another example of Wayward Pines finding a way to stay very relevant to our world despite it's over-the-top conceit.

- And speaking of not being subtle, while it may be very on the nose, the idea that Corey wouldn't even know, let alone consider, he might be gay is very believable in a world like the one Wayward Pines imagines. I said last week that this focus on breeding probably meant death for any queer person, and it seems like that might be right. Again, I think it's an important parallel with our world -- the show is pointing out how quick we, as a society, can be to dismiss the rights of "others" when something "more important" takes priority.


- I like a flashback as much as the next person that likes flashbacks, but as much as having Toby Jones back was fun, I was a little bored by Rebecca's back story. That's a shame because I've really liked Rebecca all season. I don't dislike her now, but I think I would've found her a lot more compelling if she'd been down with the Pines instead of being forced into it. We have enough "women ain't got no choice" plots going on, so it would've been nice if Rebecca had Pined up of her own volition is all.

- I still have no love for Theresa Burke and even less love for Adam Hassler. And Adam really is hasslin' her...get it?! I'm sorry. Making stupid jokes is the only way I can cope with how boring Theresa and Adam's very bring story is. Adam loves Theresa. Theresa loves talking about her dead son. You know how sometimes you're waiting for two characters to just shut up and kiss already? That's how I feel about Theresa and Adam, but replace "kiss" with "commit joint suicide".


- Just a bunch of people hanging out in a secret mine base eating supper at a sinister looking dining room table, laughing evilly while having an incurable case of crazy eyes. But, sure, Rebecca, I'm sure this whole "ark for a better future" is totes on the up-and-up. What a dink. Still, if nothing else, this kind of borderline mustache-twirling and tying a girl to the tracks is the kind of villainy you can rely upon for comedy when the rest of the show is about death and forced pregnancy.

- I like that Megan Fisher's brahssistant named the female abby Margaret after his ex because the abby doesn't talk, just like his ex whenever he did something really wrong. HA HA HA FUNNY JOKE ABOUT UR DEAD GIRLFRIEND, DUDE.

- Time for Arlene's weekly act of perfection. This time, Arlene ignores Kerry's request to see Doctor Theo Yedlin MD. Why? Why, because Arlene is too busy drawing a picture of Theo as the conquering hero striding in on his magnificent steed. Then, when she's done penciling in her masterpiece, Arlene just blows on it for a while real suggestively, even though literally no one is paying any attention or cares. But Arlene knows what she did, you know what she did, and I am still just striving to me more like her. You let that freak flag fly, gurl.

So, that wraps another episode. I'm sure next week will focus on the abbies, but I tell you, I wish I could just watch a show where Arlene teaches Corey how to land a cute boyfriend. That would be more fun than all the creepy, bald, vampire-toothed apocalypse zombies in the world.