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Reboot, Remake (it gay, you cowards), Ruin: '90s movies edition

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Jul 31, 2020

Around here, we like to play a little game called Reboot, Remake, Ruin, wherein we take a property and decide if we want to reboot (with the same cast or a continuation of an existing storyline), remake (starting totally fresh, origin-story style), or ruin it (meaning DON'T TOUCH IT — either because it's too perfect as is or wholly unsalvageable and should be forgotten for eternity).

But another thing we like to do 'round these parts is MAKE IT GAY. And so, we are looking at the films of the 1990s and examining how we might make them even better. This is Reboot, Remake (it gay, you cowards!), Ruin: '90s edition.

Credit: Universal Pictures

Waterworld

Sara: I love Waterworld starring Dennis Hopper, and because I'm pretty sure I have a hunch on what the consensus on Ghost will be, this shall be my Ruin because it is perfect as it is. You can't remake or reboot this film. You just can't. So that must mean it exists in its ideal state as is.

Clare: Is that a dare, my friend?

Sara: It is a dare like Kevin Costner's rat tail is a dare.

Riley: I'm honestly really torn on which one I feel the stronger "Ruin" on between Waterworld and Independence Day.

Sara: Allow me to state my case: The haircuts in this movie are incredible and impossible to improve upon.

Riley: You make a very compelling argument regarding haircuts.

Clare: They are deeply and inherently queer, but I gotta go in the remake direction because I'd love to see this movie from Helen's perspective.

Sara: A grown man pitches a child into the ocean. There are jet skis. CGI. Vests. It's perfect.

Clare: What a siren's song of '90s excess you weave.

Riley: OK, then I'll say I'd go in the reboot direction. I think you do it up like Mad Max. Where it's like this rebooted sequel and you just embrace how mad the others were and just go "But let's go even madder." Like you might have said, "You'll never get crazier than Master Blaster and the Thunderdome" but you'd be wrong because you got human skin mask wearing guitar players.

Sara: Instead of War Boys there are War Hoppers and it's just dozens of Dennis Hoppers.

Clare: So your solution is escalation? I'm just imagining Dennis Hopper surrounded by slightly smaller Dennis Hoppers. I think I'm just over stories about Lone Cool Dudes rolling into town, saving the day, and then rolling out of town again, so I want just Helen's regular life protecting Enola and then suddenly this dude rolls into town. Or lady! If we're remaking it.

Riley: I mean Waterworld really is just Road Warrior on water instead of sand. Yeah, I'm totally down for Helen and Enola, or even like, and older Enola who has left the island and is out exploring the world again and is like "No, really dry land is NOT a myth." And she has this super stretched and faded tattoo now.

Clare: OH I LOVE THAT. The Adventures of Enola!!

Riley: It feels like they'd give it a really intense title too like Waterworld: Rising Tides.

Clare: And she meets, like, a cute lady scientist who learns to believe in dry land too and they fall in love while pulling wicked jet ski stunts. OH absolutely. Waterworld: Tidal Wave.

Riley: Yeah, and they're like "We need to repopulate the Earth! Well... not us specifically because lesbians, but you get the idea." Unless cute lady scientist is like a cute trans lady scientist and then it can still work. Or like some really sexy nonbinary scientist. Why are we still so binary when we don't even really have polar caps anymore?

Clare: A very good question.

Riley: If you can jet ski your way to freedom you can learn to use they as a pronoun.

Clare: And that's the true meaning of Waterworld.

Credit: 20th Century Fox

Independence Day

Riley: This is gonna be my Ruin. I feel like any attempt to remake Independence Day will be fraught with failure and if you need proof, let me show you every attempt to remake Independence Day. Including Independence Day: Resurgence.

Sara: This is my Remake it Gay. President gay, First Lady gay, gay dog, Will Smith, Randy Quaid, the aliens. Everyone. Instead of fighting, movie now mostly about kissing.

Clare: We have a cautionary tale right in front of us. Wait, Sara, are they kissing the aliens?

Sara: In my fanfiction, yes, and in this movie, yes.

Clare: Because otherwise, this is also a Ruin for me. I just want to strip it down to the basics and the basics are the '90s Action Movie Formula, which could really be anything, and thus negates the necessity of Independence Day.

Riley: OK, in the gay remake, will you have someone from Magic Mike in as the "surprise, an exotic dancer!" role that's weirdly judgmental while trying to pat itself on the back for saying they're a person?

Sara: My remakes are judgment-free.

Riley: For me, Independence Day will always boil down to that first commercial that aired during the Super Bowl where it was just like "Here's us blowing everything up" and then the movie where that was the whole plot plus Bill Pullman giving the best speech ever.

Clare: I'll say this for Independence Day: you could cut it down to that commercial and that speech and it would still slap.

Sara: It's like that in the remake, except instead of a death laser it's just a badass LED lightshow, and everyone dances during the speech.

Clare: And I can't improve on that without totally starting over.

Riley: No "aliens come and blow stuff up" sequence will ever hit as hard as when those aliens came and blowed that stuff up in ID4. You'll never get a better moment than Kelly Kapowski's roommate from Saved by the Bell: The College Years and her welcome sign.

Clare: Sara, are the aliens going to utilize raves as weapons against humanity? And is the exotic dancer going to save us all?

Sara: That's the only way I know. I see no other route out of this.

Credit: Getty Images

Ghost

Riley: So Sara, if you call Waterworld your Ruin and Remake ID4, are you Rebooting Ghost?

Sara: Yeah, now Whoopi is the main character and it's all about her dating other precogs in the big city.

Clare: The criteria states that rebooting can mean just keeping the same story, so if all we want to do is recast Swayze as a lady, I think that technically falls under Reboot.

Sara: But how can you recast them abs.

Clare: Can Demi Moore still be in it because I'm all ABOUT the slightly soft butch looks she was serving in the original Ghost.

Riley: Ghost was really kind of teasing some lady on lady love with Whoopi and Demi anyway and kind of getting away with it by going "No see there's a guy involved even if he's dead."

Clare: TRULY. It's not gay if she's being possessed by your dead husband! Maybe it's one of those romantic comedies where the couple just can't see how perfect they are for each other until the end.

Riley: It's sort of a gayer version of that Ghost Town movie.

Sara: Pottery, lesbians. Lesbians making pottery...

Clare: Honestly, I'm shocked Ghost isn't already about lesbians given everything about it.

Riley: That's where I go in my head for the Remake (it gay you COWARDS). Like is there anything more lesbian than getting it on while also doing something practical, like making a craft?

Clare: There's so much room! We can even do both, like have Swayze be Lady Swayze, keep it the same, and then afterward Whoopi and Demi become friends-to-lovers in a romcom all on their own after Lady Swayze ascends to heaven. TRULY.

Sara: My friend that does pottery in real life is always annoyed by that scene 'cause she's like "you're wrecking the studio!" That's going in my movie, too.

Clare: We just pan across from that scene to a neighboring gay exclaiming “OH NO YOUR STUDIO!”

Riley: I feel like in Lesbian Ghost Remake, the dead character would have to somehow get brought back to life in the end, because then it could be a subversion of Bury Your Gays. Like in Gay Ghost, instead of killing our lesbian off at the end, we kill her off at the beginning and then bring her back at the end.

Clare: Maybe they do that Hercules thing where Lady Swayze has earned the right to ascend to heaven but decides to stay with Demi because WHO WOULDN'T.

Riley: "I've already found my heaven" and then she re-emerges in a U-Haul from the clouds.

Sara: Nobody dies in my prequel but also it's mostly just about crafting.

Clare: Could I learn any specific crafting skills watching Before The Ghost?

Sara: Whatever it is, it definitely involves scissors.

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