Steven Seagal battles bloodsuckers and delivers the cheese in Against the Dark

Contributed by
Dec 14, 2012, 3:54 PM EST

It's always fun to see how really bad Steven Seagal can be. Believe it or not, he's less of a martial-arts expert than Jean-Claude Van Damme, he's puffier than the Rock and can't deliver a line as well as Sylvester Stallone—and that's the best I can say about him. Somehow, he still manages to pump out these direct-to-DVD action movies, and this time it's his same persona, but he's fighting vampire/zombie hybrids.

Seagal does have what some other action stars don't have—his gentle, spiritual side. That's (sort of) shown by his name, Tao, which he pronounces more like a Homer Simpson "D'oh!"

The story is another one set in a disease-riddled post-apocalyptic world in which a virus turns people into blood-sucking creatures with glowing eyes. There's a debate among the self-appointed monster killers (led by Seagal) whether they are vampires or zombies. Suffice it to say they do a lot of gruesome killing, disemboweling, limb-tearing and majorly R-rated gory things.

One cool scene that's going to make anyone squirm is when one of the zombie/vampires files down his own teeth into sharp, chewing chompers.

The cast includes a beefy crowd, like the Rock's cousin Tanoai Reed from American Gladiators and Keith David from Chronicles of Riddick, but the best stars are the monsters. Unfortunately, some creatures are great, but others are done a bit sloppily. The face is green, but the makeup people didn't get the neck or hands to match. And sometimes the lack of special effects or cool kills is masked by fast edits, irritating flashes or very, very dark lighting.

And then, of course, there are the great, ridiculous moments to laugh hysterically over. The girl who has been fighting zombies for months gets all grossed out when she sees an eyeball on the floor. The tough guy who throws up when witnessing a gruesome scene. And priceless dialogue, as when, at the opening, Seagal saves a young boy and says, "We're not here to decide who's right or wrong, we're here to decide who lives or dies," and the even better line "Things will never be the same again, but they will get better."

It doesn't get cornier than that!