In the beginning, there were alignments. Then there were Hogwarts Houses. And then there was BDE.
When it comes to judging your favorite characters, these are all very fine and worthy metrics, but isn’t it time we went back to the metrics that mattered? You know, the stars?
With their hands determinedly covering up the birthdates of your favorite characters, FANGRRLS Clare and Sara set out to assign star signs to all your faves, one franchise at a time.
In this edition, it’s a Capricornucopia!
The First Doctor
Sara: Well, the Doctor is kind of all over the place, so it’s not that easy to give them a sign. For instance, the Thirteenth doctor is more of a Gemini while the Twelfth was Sagittarius-leaning, to say the least. Really, we could have a whole column that was just The Doctor.
Clare: I foresee us doing that at some point because I definitely have Emotions about the Eighth Doctor.
Sara: Even though Capricorns usually don’t go out of their way to be well-liked and can be pretty abrasive as signs go, there is a solid methodology behind their actions and the people that they do bond with will find a lot of loyalty and even a secret tenderness that is seldom revealed to the world. That said, the First Doctor is well known for being seemingly cold and impersonal even while striving for the greater good, and that definitely sounds like a Capricornian pitfall to me.
Clare: That’s beautiful, Sara. Also, does this mean all aliens who are faintly amused by and fiercely protective of humans are Capricorns? Because I love that idea.
Clare: To quote Kitty Pryde, Professor X is a JERK. Oh, sure, he’s “responsible” but he’s also a galaxy-class telepath who can basically do anything he wants. DON’T LET HIS BALDNESS BLIND YOU HIS POWER IS UNCHECKABLE AND HE IS THEREFORE CORRUPT.
Sara: 1. Kitty Pryde was right. 2. Professor X is one of those Capricorns where they front a great deal of control and attempt to dominate situations but on the inside, he’s pretty much hanging on by a thread. This is a guy that could benefit from having a friend that wasn’t either a student or his extremely gaslit ex-girlfriend Moira MacTaggert.
Clare: If only someone could have long philosophical conversations with him… not you, Magneto.
Sara: That’s his other ex. It’s so truly bonkers that nobody ever checks in on this guy to make sure he’s not horribly abusing his power or acting unethically. If anything proves that mutant discrimination is real in the Marvel Universe it’s the fact that literally no one cares what happens to these kids once they’re at the Xavier Institute.
Clare: Honestly, the Xavier Institute might be uncredited thanks to this bozo.
Clare: How distant can a Capricorn be? How about self-inducing a coma when your adopted son gets—understandably!—mad that nobody ever told him HE WAS ADOPTED? Yes, yes, Odin bears heavy cosmic responsibility as the King of Asgard, but you kind of get the idea he’s so devoted to his duty because if he’s pouring himself into work 24/7, he doesn’t have to deal with family drama THAT HE CREATED. One little drop of criticism and it all goes down; typical Cap.
Sara: Speaking as someone with a Capricorn mom, I will say that this all checks out for how Capricorn parents are. Also, negligence. Capricorn’s are like “Well, I did my part, I think you’re good to go in life so hopefully, you start supporting yourself soon” by the time you’re about 6 years old. That might just be my experience. Anyway, my mom is basically Odin.
Clare: Woof. Does that at least make you Thor?
Sara: I think you know the answer to that, Clare.
Clare: Capricorns are known for being ruthlessly excellent at their jobs, and, well, Black Widow is one of the best all-purpose spies in the Marvel Universe, able to ground cosmic nonsense (aka Loki) and deliver some of that Cold War flavor that so saturates actual Marvel comics to me.
Sara: Black Widow is the sexy side of Capricorn! In the comics, she’s a former ballerina who is forever bitter that her career as a dancer was cut short despite becoming a world famous and beloved superhero, which is so Capricorn I can’t even deal with it.
Clare: “I am the best at this… but… I could have been the best ballerina in all Russia…” - Natasha, probably, staring out of a window while cleaning a future gun.
Sara: Most importantly, while Black Widow does give a lot to her partners, past the early ‘70s she never becomes secondary to them, and for a female comic book character, that’s pretty huge. Look at you, you empowered Capricorn woman!
Sara: Although it can be pretty difficult to get to know a Capricorn on a personal level, there are many Capricorns in the world that exemplify poise and social grace. The amount of self-control generally exhibited by Capricorns paired with their need for perfectionism in many realms of their lives come together to create a personality that seldom enjoys the spotlight but who certainly learns to wield it to its fullest.
Clare: This is so aggressively Diana that I’m reeling.
Sara: Wonder Woman has been hanging out in Man’s World for quite a while now, but she never fully lets go of her responsibilities to Paradise Island. For Capricorns, taking responsibility for things is how they express love.
Clare: One of my favorite Wonder Woman moments comes from Wonder Woman Issue #10 (from the New 52). The self-loathing Hades has kidnapped Diana to wed her, but he wants to know if she truly loves him. Diana tells him, under the duress of the Lasso of Truth, that she does, but refuses to marry him. (She then wipes the floor with everyone. It’s great.) When he presses her further, she explains: she loves everyone unconditionally. And that love is at the root of everything she does as a force against injustice in the world.
Sara: Capricorn, Capricorn, Capricorn.
Sara: From the beginning, Nick Fury’s realism contrasted the brightly colored optimism of superheroes, which led to a lot of them thinking he was a real bummer. Capricorns are basically the stern dad of the Zodiac.
Clare: Which works, because Nick Fury is the Stern Dad of the Avengers, always withholding his love from his charges but always about to throw down for them. Also, I feel like making sure your office’s retinal scanner takes both your working eye and your blind eye is a very Responsible Capricorn move.
Sara: You want to be loved by a Capricorn? Be good at your job. Also, I like it in Age of Ultron when Tony Stark starts having feelings at Nick and Nick is just like, “Hey, bud, it’s all good. Really, you’re doing great. Let’s leave the barn immediately.”
Clare: Let’s just… gently direct you away from these feelings, buddy.
Clare: Oh, hold on, I thought about the ending of Return of the King and now I need to go take very deep breaths in very cold air until the emotions pass, one sec.
Sara: I’m happy to take this time to let you the reader know that Clare relates the most to Legolas and they honestly look really similar to one another. If Legolas were more Goth, that would be Clare. It’s amazing.
Clare: More Goth, more like MORGOTH, amirite? Anyway, I have a lot of Feelings and Opinions about how movie and book The Lord of the Rings characters are different, but, funnily enough, both movie and book Aragorn are Capricorns! Obviously, both heavily feel the weight of their heritage on their shoulders. Book Aragorn is noble and diligent, a real workhorse of a Capricorn. Am I confusing the goat fish metaphor if I get horses involved?
But movie Aragorn is more conflicted about being Isildur’s Heir, worried that his own failings will be magnified by the position. Though it is difficult to be worse than Isildur, the King who should have just dropped the Ring in the fire in the first place, but decided, “nah, I got it,” and decidedly did not got it. In contrast to the Real Housewives of Gondor, Aragorn, true to his Capricorn nature, puts other people first. He hesitates because he understands what a responsibility it is, and how important it is to the people who put their trust in him. Which is why he’s the right choice to be King! Ugh, Aragorn’s just the BEST. I almost forgive him for marrying my Tolkien crush.
Sara: I can’t imagine having a Tolkien crush. Aren’t they all elves?
Clare: Middle-Earth is brimming with stone cold foxes but yes, there’s a lot of elves.
Sara: I’m not trying to be rude but I’m not dating any elves. I would probably date Bilbo when he’s old I guess.
Clare: I mean, he would be an excellent dining companion.
Sara: That’s what I came here for today.
Clare: Specifically, the Zelda from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. I have refined and specific ideas about each and every Zelda, but this one… this is the one who’s a Capricorn.
To review, if you are unfamiliar with the lore, this is the Zelda who kicks everything off, and by everything, I mean manages to fracture time itself into three distinctly effed up timelines with one bad decision she made when she was a preteen. It’s like if you got bangs and BAM! Mirror Universe forever, sucker!
Sara: *puts hat on to cover bangs*
Clare: Ganondorf is, of course, a match for two preteen dumdums thinking they can save the world via jewelry, and whoops it’s seven years later, everything is either spiders or zombies, Link is basically Tom Hanks in Big, and Zelda has disguised herself as ultimate soft butch ninja babe Sheik.
Clare: This is nominally to protect herself from Ganondorf, but, really, it’s to protect herself from her emotions. The Capricorn’s reserve and overcaution takes a most beautiful shape in Zelda when, after catching herself sharing a sunrise with Link, she climbs a tree and jumps in a lake to get away from a moment of true human connection instead of just saying goodbye like a normal person. She is her own self-fulfilling prophecy of loneliness.
Sara: Break the cycle, Zelda!
Clare: Well, she definitely broke something.