Star Signs: Classic horror, Graveyard Smash edition

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Oct 17, 2018, 3:04 PM EDT

In the beginning, there were alignments. Then, there were Hogwarts Houses. And then there was BDE.

When it comes to judging your favorite characters, these are all very fine and worthy metrics, but isn’t it time we went back to the metrics that matter? You know, the stars?

With their hands determinedly covering up the birthdates of your favorite characters, FANGRRLS Clare and Sara set out to assign star signs to all your faves, one franchise at a time.

In this Halloween edition, Clare and Sara look at a grab bag of classic horror monsters and divine their star signs. 

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The Bride of Frankenstein

The Bride of Frankenstein: Libra

Clare: You wanna know why the Bride is a Libra? Because she’s all about justice.

Sara: Justice.

Clare: Look, it might seem difficult to make a determination—after all, the Bride appears for only one scene in her eponymous film. But all that means is that we get to determine her sign from her most defiant act—rejecting the Monster.

Sara: AH-HAAA classic Libra.

Clare: In the original, it may seem like she’s rejecting him simply because he is so very grotesque and unlovely, but it’s actually because, like many Libras, she is keenly aware of and hates injustice. And, I mean, what’s been done to her is a capital-I Injustice.

Sara: Yeahhhhhh, I wish Frankenstein could just chill on creating monsters, but it is hilarious that it's allegorical for men trying to control the ability to give birth but their way of doing that in the book is to emulate the process but with corpses. Classic men.

Clare: RIGHT? Kenneth Branagh’s Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein (yes, it exists, and yes, it is bonkers) surprisingly offers my favorite lens on the Bride. In that adaptation, the Bride is, in fact, the reanimated wife of Dr. Frankenstein (and played by Helena Bonham Carter in a brilliant early performance.) When the doctor and the monster begin playing literal tug-of-war with her, she becomes so aware that she’s being used as a prize that she burns everything down—including herself. She’d rather die than live as an abomination.

Sara: Because Clare just told us about her Helena Bonham Carter crush I want to talk about my Mary Shelley crush, in which I think Mary Shelley is a babe, but more importantly, good at books. The character we know as The Bride was originally named Elizabeth Lavenza in the book and instead of becoming a cool monster, she got fridged. Boy, did she ever get fridged.

Clare: FRIDGED SO HARD. Like most Libras, the Bride is motivated by love, but by her rejection of it rather than an embrace of it.

Sara: Like most Libras.


The Mummy: Scorpio

Clare: The Mummy is also motivated by love. All he truly wants is to be together with his love Ankh-es-en-Amon, both after her untimely death and after his extremely untimely reanimation millennia later.

Sara: All I want is for less racism in Hollywood films from the ‘30s, but we don’t always get what we want now do we.

Clare: AGREED. I loved The Mummy as an atmospheric film but good god, is it a particular stew of racist nonsense. I, uh, also may have quietly spent this movie rooting for the Mummy and Helen to get together. I am who I am, OK!

Sara: I decided to be jaded about love this month but even I can appreciate the chemistry between those two. Well, I guess I still like love but only if it’s between a human and a mummy like God intended.

Clare: I mean, 'tis the season. Scorpios can be mysterious and come off as intimidating because of it, but the Mummy is just an aloof guy working on a longterm goal he’s been working on for thousands of years. Honestly, he’s creepy but fundamentally harmless. But the second you mess with him and/or threaten his reunion with The Love of His Life—he will waste you. He’ll give you a heart attack from across town (remember, this is a movie from the 1930s) or drive you mad, he doesn’t care!

Sara: The other reason Scorpios come off as intimidating is that they are supernatural spirits of vengeance who will kill all who stand in the path between them and their one true love. Until Helen shows up and they're like, oh I guess Helen is my true love now.

Clare: Tbh, I find The Mummy more romantic than most romantic comedies.


The Wolfman: Pisces

Clare: First and foremost, the Wolfman’s name is Larry. Now, his name is Lawrence and people could call him Larry but don’t and I’m making a funny joke about it, but in that people call him Larry.

Sara: Larry is the weirdest monster story kind of because there's not really a moral, he's just pretty much a werewolf one day and that's just how the cookie crumbles.

Clare: Yeah. Like a lot of Pisces, he’s a gentle, daydreamy soul. After moving back to Scotland, all he wants is to help his dad out and start dating a local girl—who is, unfortunately, already engaged. But The Wolfman is a story about a lot of really nice people having a really bad time, so there’s no real villain except Larry accidentally contracting lycanthropy after beating a werewolf to death.

Larry’s just a big dumb puppy, which is almost funny, considering he gets turned into a big dumb werewolf, except that werewolf murders so many people. It’s… it’s really sad, y’all.

Sara: Pisces and werewolves get a raw deal in this life, and if you're a Pisces werewolf? Forget about it.


Coffin Joe: Scorpio

Sara: Coffin Joe is the villain of the first ever Brazilian horror film, and that's the kind of groundbreaking ingenuity that proves he's probably a Scorpio. He also has a catchy name and a pretty sweet outfit, which reflects Scorpio's need to make constant, unending fashion statements. What else makes me think he's a Scorpio? Oh right, because he's terrifying.

Clare: I can’t even look directly at him, wow.

Sara: Scorpios can be mysterious but that doesn't mean they're always good at what they do. You can be bad at being mysterious. Some Scorpios just kind of show up in a cape and don't say anything and it's like “oh, hey… Coffin Joe, what's new?” Coffin Joe just smiles at you and you're like oh for Pete's sake.

Clare: He lives for the aesthetic, which I can respect.

Sara: Can’t believe this guy.


The Golem: Taurus

Sara: The Golem does his work for the day and then he is out. He's a great pal and a shoulder to cry on for others, but love eludes the gentle Golem. Then he kills some people. I was just joking about the gentle part — this is a list of monsters it turns out.

Clare: They’re monsters, Sara, there’s always a little murder involved.

Sara: Golem is always there for his friends, or, in this case, those who wield supernatural control over him, aka, his friends.

Clare: Aw, poor Golem. Peer pressure is no joke.

Sara: The Golem also lowkey commits a bunch of murders just kind of for kicks honestly, but like... someone was going to have to.

Clare: I mean, so many classic movie monsters are tortured and nuanced, killing only under duress: sometimes it’s nice for someone to just be like, yeah, I did it, what of it!


Carmilla: Cancer

Sara: Carmilla lives in a secluded castle, lures unsuspecting women to her lair, and then just wants to stare at them and say love stuff about feelings at them for the rest of eternity from what I can tell, so she can’t really be anything but a Cancer.

Clare: We all know that Cancer.

Sara: Carmilla’s flirting technique is to stand at the far end of a room and stare at the prettiest lady in the place and then vanish in a cloud of smoke. Then come back later and haunt her nightmares in a surrealist dream sequence. That is also how I flirt. I like Carmilla because I am her.


Irena: Scorpio

Sara: I like Irena the most. She's a classy lady and a meow-meow both at the same time.

Clare: It’s tempting to see the protagonist of 1942's Cat People as a dithering soul. She says she’s determined not to fall in love, as she suspects that any physical intimacy will turn her into a murderous rage panther, but as soon as the universe puts the blandest possible white leading man in her path, she’s all “oooh, maybe just… maybe just a little marriage…”

Sara: All I can say is that I relate to her. I do...

Clare: Ahahaha. But that wishy-washy nature that you might assign to a water sign vanishes the second Irena realizes her Pumpkin Spice Latte of a man has been emotionally cheating on her with a coworker. Poor Alice doesn’t know what’s hit her as Irena stalks her as prey, rending her garments, haunting her in panther form, and eventually trying to attack her at her office. Irena may have been terrified that she was like a witch from her village, but daaaaang, if she’s not good at it. She’s a cold-blooded Scorpio; perfectly pleasant until the second you cross her heart.

Sara: I still can’t believe you called him a Pumpkin Spice Latte.

Clare: He’s human Ugg Boots, Sara! He! Is! Basic!


Mrs. Danvers: Virgo

Sara: This is exciting because it’s a people monster.

Clare: The truest monsters of all!

Sara: Mrs. Danvers is a character in the book Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier. The story follows the second Mrs. De Winter, never given a name throughout the book, who moves in the her husband’s old family mansion Mandalay. Her husband becomes despondent and is away often while the second Mrs. De Winter does weird stuff like go through his wife’s old bedroom. Mrs. Danvers is the housekeeper that wanted to make out with Rebecca super bad and maybe did (maybe did!), and so she hates the second Mrs. De Winter, just because. JUST! BECAUSE!

Clare: NO REASON!!!

Sara: Mrs. Danvers is 100% a Virgo because she is incredibly organized in her subtle gaslighting of the second Mrs. De Winter as she methodically ruins her life, and if that’s not a Virgo’s way of handling a problem, I don’t know what is.

Clare: There are few things more dangerous than a Virgo with a bullet journal.

Sara: Besides, she keeps Rebecca’s things exactly as they were the day she died, which is amazing and terrifying like Virgos usually are. The scariest scene of the movie is when Mrs. Danvers starts pulling Rebecca’s negligees out of a drawer and holding them up to the second Mrs. De Winter, running her fingers over them as she makes perfect eye contact with Rebecca. It’s hot! In a weird way! I don’t know. It messes me up inside, and isn’t that just like a Virgo?



Gritty: Ophiuchus

Sara: Oh, look, it’s the subsection where Clare loves something that I hate.

Clare: Ever since I have witnessed Gritty, I have fallen under his thrall. I fear him… and love him. He is an abomination from parts unknown (seriously, his own rookie card indicates only that he used to have a secret hideout in the Philadelphia Wells Fargo Center before unwitting construction workers woke him from his eternal slumber… or prison???), both endearing and terrifying.

Sara: I don’t like the internet anymore.

Clare: Staring into the voids of his unmoving yet all-seeing eyes, I know that Gritty can be only one sign—Ophiuchus.

Sara: Bless you.

Clare: Ophiuchus is the 13th constellation in the zodiac. Western zodiacs signs were created by Babylonians, who tried to put 13 constellations into 12 months and then gave up. However, nobody told the 12 constellations that did get used, so there are occasional… gaps. Gaps that are left attributed to Ophiuchus, the Serpent-Bearer.

Sara: Pretty much, it’s as if life was meaningless, human decency was a facade, and besides all that there was another Zodiac sign out of nowhere called, literally, the Serpent-Bearer, which exists just because it did one day. You can keep Gritty and you can keep Ophiuchus. God, I hate the internet!

Clare: And this is the only sign that Gritty could possibly be, for Gritty is as unfathomable as the deeps. Gritty is a beautiful, repulsive void from whom I cannot tear away my eyes. At Ragnarok, he will scuffle with the wolf Fenris for the souls of the damned and, lo, he will win.

Sara: I just feel like you’re taking this whole thing too far.

Clare: G R I T T Y R E I G N S

Happy Halloween!