Imagine you were a sixth-grader standing in the the Great Hall of Hogwarts for the very first time, legs trembling as the Sorting Hat just declared which House you will belong to for the next six years of your life in front of the entire student body. Wouldn't you have wanted some kind of theme song?
So maybe they're are a little late for the '90s timeline during which Harry Potter and his friends sought Snitches, fought demons and were constantly looking over their shoulders for that wizard-who-must-not-be-named who had a peculiar taste for unicorn blood, but music-obsessed book nerds Not Literally have created House songs that go beyond "hoggy warty Hogwarts." If you were being sorted today, your fellow Gryffindors, Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs or Slytherins would probably erupt into one of these hilariously true pop song parodies after that hat had its say.
Slytherin's take on Ke$ha is everything — because whoever is sorted into this House believes the snake is everything. From wearing real boas (as opposed to feather boas) as luxe accessories to kicking house elves and playing dirty at Quidditch just to win, "We R Slytherins" would make the Malfoys proud. Flashes of green that can only be curses blaze like neon lights on the dance floor. You also can't ignore DJ Dumbledore turning it up in a glittery cloak and hat that couldn't be more uncharacteristic.
Gryffindor likes it brave, true and ultra-preppy with a steaming mug of Butterbeer and scenes straight out of an Wizardcrombie & Witch catalog. This Katy Perry parody finally lets out an opinion I've secretly had about this House. I never really bought the whole thing about them being so utterly perfect. Heroics aside, I always thought Gryffindors were somewhat snotty, thinking they were all that just because they had a lion for a mascot. They also had a rat. Remember, Peter Pettigrew was a Gryffindor.
Hufflepuff doesn't always have the most shining reputation when it comes to Quidditch points or House cups, but they get their own music video that turns Lady Gaga's Born This Way into a black and yellow dance party that goes all-out glam. Is it really that awful being sorted into this house for your loyalty, kindness and lack of prejudice? That is so not Slythe-r-i-n. If Gaga existed in the wizrading world, she's probably want to be a Hufflepuff just because of this video. It's proof even badgers can be fabulous.
Ravenclaw's video might not have gotten the splashy theatrics or high prestige of the other houses, but one line in this Friday parody says it all: We're the smart kids. Of course I'm going to be biased towards this one because I'm such a Ravenclaw, but even the bravest Gryffindor, most helpful Hufflepuff or sneakiest Slytherin won't ace their Potions final if they're not in the obsessively studying. Fighting Acromantulas in the Forbidden Forest or shooting curses at each other after dark will only get you so far.