Every major movie star has a role that propelled them to fame, a part they will forever be tied to. In 1989, a slacker by the name of Ted “Theodore” Logan gave Keanu Reeves his big break. Thirty years later, he is reprising this same role in the third installment, which will see the duo face their biggest test yet in Bill and Ted Face the Music. Some actors are defined by one iconic character, but since Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Reeves has headlined The Matrix and John Wick franchises, starred in a number of memorable movies, and endeared himself to many.
As part of the month-long Keanuvember celebration, it is time to play a casting “What If?” game — with a twist. What would it be like if, instead of Keanu, it was Ted Logan who became an international hitman forced out of retirement? Or had the devil for a father? Could he react in bullet-time, or would it be curtains for humanity? Ted loves a layered, baggy look with band tees and rolled-up sweatpants as his essential items, so the sharp tailoring of some of Keanu's famous characters might pose a sartorial issue. Another big hurdle is that Ted is an eternal optimist; his ray of sunshine vibe doesn't exactly line up with the darker versions of the world that many of these other characters inhabit. Perhaps this could work in his favor! After all, he even gets through the very bleak prospect of dying by beating the Grim Reaper and becoming pals with him in Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey.
There is one other challenge, as Ted without Bill (Alex Winter) is like taking away part of his soul. However, they have been separated in the past, overcoming their own personal hells in the process. Based on events in both Bill and Ted movies, here is how Ted might handle the events, obstacles, and challenges of other Keanu Reeves genre movies.
If Ted played... John Wick (John Wick)
John Wick has been referred to as the “Boogeyman,” and while Ted is definitely not this menacing or good with his fists (or any other weapon), he has hung out with the Grim Reaper. John's world is an earthly version of the underworld, and based on past experiences, Ted will likely make friends with those trying to kill John. Maybe none of this will kick off because he will just give his car to Theon Greyjoy and no puppies have to die. Ted is the human embodiment of a Labrador, so hurting Ted is like hurting a dog — don't let it happen.
If Ted played... Alex Wyler (The Lake House)
While Ted traveled through centuries, collecting historical figures in order to not flunk out of school, Alex is writing to a woman two years in the future. One of Ted’s skills is playing the Time Game, aka going back in time after they have successfully saved the day to leave traps and items that will help successfully save the day. If Ted was falling in love via a time-traveling mailbox, he would definitely realize he could look Kate (Sandra Bullock) up in the phone book. There would be no need for a walking tour of Chicago, no matter how romantic, or for magical trees. Ted would just ring her and it would be most triumphant.
If Ted played... Kai (47 Ronan)
Look, Ted is many things, but he doesn’t strike us as someone who would survive for a long time in late medieval Japan. He'd previously shown some minor fighting skills when he wore a suit of armor in Excellent Adventure. However, moderate sword skills are not going to do that much here — even if he has already survived an execution attempt in medieval England. Alas, Socrates and Billy the Kid aren't here to make a daring rescue.
If Ted played... Neo (The Matrix)
“Whoa!” Bonded by their choice of exclamation alone, Neo is as if Ted never had Bill in his life. There is more to it than that, of course, but the deity-adjacent symbolism these characters share is hard to ignore. Bill and Ted have Rufus (George Carlin) to guide them about their role in the universe, Neo has Morpheus (Laurence Fishburne). Ted has been to the past, future, and all around the afterlife, a valuable experience that would serve him well in ending the Machine War. Neo needs time to adjust to his new surroundings and the overwhelming news that he is The One. Do you know who wouldn’t need this time? Ted. He might not be the smartest dude, but he is quick to adjust. Imagine sweet darling Ted in Neo’s trenchcoat, but with a yellow smiley patch on the back. That's worthy of an air guitar celebration.
If Ted played... Kevin Lomax (Devil’s Advocate)
Ted’s dad is an asshole who doesn’t really know anything about his son beyond his less than stellar academic record. Nevertheless, at least he isn’t the actual devil, as Kevin learns about his daddy dearest in Devil’s Advocate. Not only is he Beelzebub himself, but he also wants Kevin to make the antichrist by sleeping with his sister. This is way more messed up than the box of screams scenario the devil sets up for Ted in Bogus Journey. One of Ted’s flaws is his lack of tact, including his inability to not mention a) how hot Bill’s step-mom is and b) that Bill previously asked her to the prom. However, this con turns into a pro when the plan is to impregnate your sister. There's no way Ted is taking part in this most egregious plan. He's far more likely to talk his way out of this.
If Ted played... John Constantine (Constantine)
There isn’t a cynical bone in Ted Logan’s body, so get ready for a huge personality shift for this version of John Constantine. Ted has spoken to deities, philosophers, presidents, robots, and aliens; he is going to take this role exorcising demons back to hell in stride. Considering his experience walking the afterlife and charming the Grim Reaper, he’s an outstanding choice to bridge the gap between half-demons and half-angels. He might even be overqualified for the gig.
If Ted played... Johnny Mnemonic (Johnny Mnemonic)
Ted is adorable, loyal, and as previously mentioned, quick to adjust to strange surroundings. The latter is particularly useful in fantasy and science-fiction. One thing he doesn’t possess is a good memory, so, funnily enough, the role of Johnny Mnemonic might be the biggest stretch. Johnny is a data carrier who has to dump his own memories to make room for the programs he is smuggling for a fee. Even if Ted did get rid of his own spotty collection of thoughts, there is plenty of room for things to go wrong. The appearance of a cybernetically-evolved dolphin might momentarily make him lose his mind. However, his friendship with the alien being(s) Station in Bogus Journey is a good trial run for everything bizarre that this world will throw at him.