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Tag: Movies

The 7 most horrific scenes from Thanksgiving horror

Contributed by
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Dany Roth
Nov 23, 2017

When it comes to horror movies, there are three holidays that get the most love: Halloween, Christmas, and your birthday.

Yes, we're counting birthdays, because they are a holiday for you when it's your birhday, and also there are a $#@! ton of birthday horror movies.

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There are also a few Thanksgiving horror movies. But not as many as there ought to be, tragically. Thanksgiving, a holiday where you have to deal with the most horrific thing of all, your drunk uncle's bad takes on politics, ought to have hundreds of horror movies dedicated to it. Instead, you can basically count 'em all on one hand.

 Also, Thanksgiving horror movies are just the worst. I don't know if the indigenous peoples of the United States tried to place a curse on all of us and only succeeded in cursing the Thanksgiving horror subgenre or what, but these are some of the worst horror movies you will ever see.

However, that doesn't mean there aren't any good death sequences. And, with that in mind, here are 7 of the best death scenes in Thanksgiving horror movies. I had to watch these, so please share this article everywhere in exchange for my supreme suffering this holiday season. Also, please understand that the Thankskilling films themselves, while horrible, have the most entertaining death scenes, which is why they get two death slots apiece. Also, I didn't want to watch any more Thanksgiving horror movies. Thank you.

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Blood Freak (1972) - Man turkey girlfriend's lament

Blood Freak, the quintessential film about a man who becomes addicted to the ol' Devil's Lettuce and winds up with a turkey head in place of his own head does not, in my opinion, have any great death scenes. However, if we're counting the murder attempted upon my immortal soul vis a vie Blood Freak's bizarre writing (and why would you not count that, really) then I would count the scene where the turkey man, Herschell, is in bed with his lady love, Anne, and she goes on a long diatribe about what would happen if they stay together. 
 
"What if they had kids," is a question she wonders allowed. What would the children think of their father? Would they take after him and also have turkey heads? Would this all seem normal to them? Never before has a Thanksgiving film had me so shook with its deep philosophical musings. I almost died from the shookening. And that makes this scene list-worthy.
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Home Sweet Home (1981) - KISS yourself goodbye

There are a few solid death scenes that could've made the list from Home Sweet Home. The serial killer hits a granny with his car, spattering a ton of blood on the windshield. And then, later, when a guy tries to siphon the killer's gas and steal his car battery, the killer body slams the thief's head with the hood of the car.
A lot of car deaths, basically. 
The best death, however, involves a character aptly named "Mistake" who is supposed to be a member of the KISS army but comes off more like a really annoying, talking mime with a guitar. Anyway, the killer electrocutes Mistake to death with his guitar. That's not how guitars work, but the character is so annoying that it's deeply satisfying watching him die. It's like murdering your own most annoying relative vicariously through this movie.
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Blood Rage (1987) - Municipal Poolicide

Blood Rage is about identical twins, one of which frames the other for murder. Just putting it out there, but if I had a twin this is something I would worry about all the time, especially during a holiday like Thanksgiving where the pressure is on to dress the same.
 
How would anyone know that it's my twin and not me doing the murders??? I guess the blood stains would be a give away, but this phobia still feels justified.
 
Anyway, there's a solid carving fork death from murder twin, Terry, as well as a decapitation, but I'm going to give it to Terry for murdering a couple who goes from playing tennis at night to having pool sex for two reasons: one, because who plays night tennis, and, two, because pool sex is unhygenic and rude.
 
If these people hadn't died, I would hope they'd both get a nasty UTI from the chlorine, because there certainly aren't enough chemicals in the pool (or the world) to contend with inappropriate pool humps. 
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ThanksKilling (2009) - Turkey sex Part I

If there is one lesson to be learned from the Thankskilling franchise (there are two movies, but, sure, call it a franchise) it is that you should not have sex with an evil, undead turkey getting revenge on white people for their crimes against the natives of America.
 
That might sound obvious, but it happens a lot more often than you'd think. For example, a driver picks up the turkey (whose name is Turkie) like he's a normal person and not a flightless bird. And also the driver then tries to demand sex from Turkie. Here's what makes this scene great. The turkey pulls out a shotgun, forces the driver to call his daughter to wish her a happy Thanksgiving, and then kills the driver. That's a real commitment to making everyone feel horrible! I mean that pervert's daughter didn't do anything, but that's how we know Turkie is the bad guy: he's mean to daughters.
 
Bonus points to the casting director for casting a man who really looks like he wants to have sex with an evil turkey puppet.
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Thankskilling (2009) - Turkey Sex Part II

Sometimes you hump the bird, and other times the bird humps you. I can't expect everyone to find this funny. Content warning: this is a scene involving sexual assault between a woman and a turkey puppet. For me personally, (and I accept that this may be my own sickness) there is just something very funny about a puppet turkey murdering a man while he's having sex with a woman from behind, only to then take over having sex with her.

Also he utter the phrase, "you just got stuffed." Also, also, she seems to really enjoy what he's doing until she realizes he is an evil turkey puppet. 

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Thankskilling 3 (2012) - Turkey Breasts in space!

The original Thankskilling begins with a topless pilgrim woman being murdered by Turkie. He has this really great line that I'm sure someone slaved over -- "Nice tits, bitch!"
 
Clearly continuity is very important to the Thankskilling people because Thankskilling 3 (The Search for Thankskilling 2) starts in space (which the original film sets up), features a topless lady astronaut, and also returns that very classy Turkie line from the original. Oh, and then Turkie laserbeams her to death from his spaceship. Seems right.
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Thankskilling 3 (2012) - Turkey Sex Part III

Why is there so much sex in a movie about an evil turkey puppet? That question gets wiped away when you realize that in Thankskilling 3, unlike its predecessor, there aren't a lot of actual people in it. There are maybe three live humans in the whole film, but the rest is like HBO era Sesame Street -- all puppet.
 
One of those puppets is Flowis, a grandmother who likes to rap. The other puppet is, of course, Turkie. Fun fact: Turkie loses his genitalia in a horrible "he gets murdered" accident. But, don't worry, because Turkie takes a page from Evil Dead II and replaces his bathingsuit area with a chainsaw.
 
And then he chainsaws Flowis to death in the mouth. For the record, Flowis is a very sex positive puppet grandmother.
 
Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Tag: Movies
Tag: Thanksgiving
Tag: Horror Movies
Tag: puppets
Tag: lists

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