With the recent release of Avengers: Endgame marking the end of a 22 movie-long slow build of superhero motivations, world lore, and high stakes tension, I’ve recently found myself thinking about the characters that brought us on this dramatic and exciting journey.
Sure, things got kicked off by heroes like Hulk and Iron Man, Thor and Captain America, but those are not the heroes I want to focus on today.
No, today I want to take some time to celebrate the ladies in the MCU that I’ve spent the past 11 years wishing would sweep me off my feet and destroy my enemies before wrapping me in their rad superhero jacket to keep me warm as we head into the sunset to start out new lives together.
Sure, Chris Evans might have looked hot while stopping that helicopter in Civil War, but I can’t imagine myself cuddling up in the living room with him and half a dozen cats the way I can with these ladies from the MCU.
Played by Tessa Thompson, Valkyrie is a canonically bisexual, sword-wielding woman who rides a Pegasus and can really hold her drink. Not only would she be fun company for a night out on the town, but so long as her Pegasus doesn’t drink, we’ve got a free ride home at the end of the night which saves us risking being charged for throwing up in an Uber.
As the queen of New Asgard, we could live the life of luxury together, and I'd rest safe in the knowledge that if anything ever went wrong I’ve got an elite warrior woman by my side to keep me safe. Sign me right up.
Settling down with Wanda Maximoff, better known as Scarlet Witch, would certainly not be choosing the quiet life. An incredibly passionate and emotionally driven woman, Maximoff is strong-willed, graceful, and capable of showing you things you’ve never seen before.
OK, the things you’ve never seen before might be visions of you bringing about the death of everyone you have ever cared about, but assuming she can also put positive visions in minds it might actually be kind of sexy. All those physically impossible sex dreams you’ve had? Well, now they feel like reality. That’s pretty hot.
OK, I’m just going to say it, Hela might be hel(l) bent on destruction, but if you can put that aside she really is hot, right?
She’s got the hair of every goth girl I had a crush on in my teen years, a headdress that screams “you’ll never get close enough to lay a hand on any of these large ornate spikes”, and a bodysuit that leaves little to the imagination.
Add onto that her controlling demeanor, the fact she’s the literal god of death, and you know that simply being allowed free will in her presence is a sign you’ve made it into her good graces.
Really? Just me that’s into that brand of scary? Well, all the more for me.
You all knew this one was coming, and in my defense, I showed off a lot of restraint by not just putting this superpowered space lady right at the top of my list and calling it a day.
Carol Danvers, also known as Captain Marvel, is a 90’s motorcycle driving badass who already owns a cat (yes, I know Goose is a Flerken, but he likes belly rubs so no big difference), gets possibly the most lesbian energy-radiating haircut known to man in Endgame, and fears nothing.
Can I just marry her right here and now?
Danvers' whole plot in Captain Marvel is about discovering that she’s far more powerful and capable than the men around her give her credit for. She doesn’t have to live life with terms set by men, she has nothing to prove, she can just blast the patriarchy with a giant laser before we ride into the sunset on the back of her motorbike, maybe with her cat in the sidecar.
If I was with a woman strong enough to take on Thanos single-handed, I’d never need to worry about arsehole men again. I could just point my awesome space lady at them while giving Goose scritches. That’s the life for me.
Of all the female characters in Black Panther, I think the lady I would most like to go on a date with is Okoye, and my reasoning is pretty simple. She’s emotionally devoted to those she cares about, she’s got the kind of muscles you only get as the head of a special forces unit, and a great sense of humor.
That last one is a must because being able to laugh with someone is super important.
Honestly, I just have a thing for blue space women. First Liara from Mass Effect, the blue singing lady alien from The Fifth Element, Peebee from Mass Effect: Andromeda, and now Nebula. What can I say, apparently alien ladies are my type. All the more so when slightly robotic.
She’s powerful, caring, and just a little bit merciless.