The Purge fake home shopping network will ‘sell’ you stain remover and body armor

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Aug 27, 2018, 12:44 PM EDT

Surviving The Purge isn’t just about glitz and glamour: you know, the shotguns, fire axes, and creepy clown masks that make Purge night so very, very worth it. Nope; it’s also about taking care of all those little details that really make the difference between a murder-and-mayhem experience to remember, and one that’ll still be hanging around like a unwanted houseguest long after those magical 24 hours have passed.

In keeping with that idea, USA has just debuted a weird little attention-getting piece of viral marketing for the upcoming Purge TV series that’ll soon be hitting the small screen: a phony (but totally authentic-feeling) home shopping network that taps directly into that sweet, sweet prepper dread. 

Yep, the Purge Shopping Channel (or PSC in network shorthand) is the place to go if you want a killer product that’ll remove all those pesky post-Purge stains from your domestic decor, a survival candle that pulls double duty as an aromatic stress buster, or duds that’ll have you taking on the hordes in that murdered out, overnight apocalyptic style. 

In shopping segments that look eerily familiar to anyone who’s stayed up late with a TV to keep them company, hosts Rachel Stamp and Carson Cruz zealously evangelize the worth of fantastic (and price-reduced!) items like this set of his ’n’ hers matching body armor, which they promise “will keep you whole and ready to roll all night long.”

A visit to the fake channel’s website unearths a ton of products you can’t really buy, from packets of seeds to energy drinks to caps, stickers, pins, T-shirts, and bottles of “Purge Night Emergency Water.” There’re also e-cards that you can actually share, as well as tips, tricks and testimonials to help you make it through the long, dark night. Our favorite is probably this tear-jerking feature, subtly titled “THIS COUPLE FOUND LOVE ON PURGE NIGHT,” in which a love-smitten guy recalls how he accidentally met his bride-to-be “while trying to break-in to an SUV.”

Starring William Baldwin (Gossip Girl), Lili Simmons (Ray Donovan), Amanda Warren (The Leftovers), Colin Woodell (Unsane), Hannah Anderson (New Mutants), Lee Tergesen (Oz), Gabriel Chavarria (East Los High), and Jessica Garza (Six), The Purge tells the story of what life is like all year long in a society where anything goes on Purge night. Check out the premiere Sept. 4, when the series debuts at 10 p.m. on USA.