In the beginning, there were alignments. Then there were Hogwarts Houses. And then there was BDE.
When it comes to judging your favorite characters, these are all very fine and worthy metrics, but isn't it time we went back to the metrics that mattered? You know, the stars?
With their hands determinedly covering up the birth dates of your favorite characters, FANGRRLS Clare and Sara set out to assign star signs to all your faves, one franchise at a time.
In this edition, Arcadia, Arcadia, do you read us? It's the women of A-Force!
Sara: Sagittarius is always mad at us because we don't pay enough attention to them in this column even though we're way worse to Leos. Again, Sagittarius, we grant you the best characters. Who, yes, all just happen to be trapped in an unending loop of their own self-referential jokes. You build your own house, baby.
Clare: Like her A-Force teammate Captain Marvel before her (who we have already covered in this space), She-Hulk is a Sagittarius. A towering beacon of idealism, independence, and wisecracks.
Sara: Not great with authority figures, holds onto long-term resentment in a mostly cute way, able to insult you right to your face while you just kind of nod and think, “Wow, what a fun person.” All of the questionable charm of a Sag, all in one character.
Clare: I honestly get very emotional about how much She-Hulk likes herself? I very much enjoy being a fantastical mammal myself, but she inspires me to do better. If we all liked ourselves as much as She-Hulk does, I think that would solve a lot of problems in the Marvel Universe and outside of it.
Sara: Yes, at the end of her original series, she revealed that she felt more comfortable in her She-Hulk form, making her instantly the most well-adjusted superhero this side of Janet Van Dyne and Monica Rambeau. Also, taking a form where you stand slightly taller than nearly every person you came into contact with is exactly what a Sag would choose to do if given the opportunity — you know it, and they know it. This also led to her making a seemingly catastrophic choice in a romantic partner, which, if you’ve known many Sags, also sounds just about right.
Clare: While researching this, I discovered that She-Hulk’s ability to break the fourth wall wasn’t actually ever retconned. In fact, according to the 2007 All-New Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe, she just downplays it in order to go about her life. Been there, done that, calm down, Deadpool.
Sara: Sagittarius was not put on this earth to stay in a rut, that's for sure.
Clare: My exposure to the Inhumans has been limited at best, but I will tell you I was not expecting to discover that Medusalith Amaquelin, Queen of the Inhumans, had parents who were nutritionists. It's like discovering Enchantress' mom was a real estate agent. I love it.
Sara: Like most Inhumans, Medusa's life is basically terrible and she has more or less zero autonomy or authority. She's the figurehead of the operation, but her husband can just shoot down whatever she says anytime he feels like it. While the anger towards the Inhuman royal class is justified, specific anger towards Medusa might be misplaced, calling to mind fellow Scorpio Marie Antoinette.
Clare: Oooh, great point. Like many a Scorpio, she can have difficulty articulating and expressing the full range of her deep emotions, so sometimes she has to go sleep with Johnny Storm about it. And, honestly, that's a way easier relationship than her relationship with Black Bolt, so I am all for it.
Sara: Listen, if Medusa has earned anything in her life, it was the opportunity to bone down with Johnny Storm many times. Johnny is obviously a Leo, and that Scorpio/Leo connection is real, okay. Meanwhile, Black Bolt is like if the judginess of a Virgo just became its own living being. Every time someone brings up Medusa dating Johnny Storm I turn into Lucille Bluth, like, "Good for her!"
Clare: If I have this down correctly, Singularity is a sentient quantum singularity who is also conveniently a pocket dimension. So she’s basically a Q if the Q Continuum wasn’t staffed to a sentient being by Chaotic Neutrals.
Sara: Well, and if Q was extremely kind and positive and wanted to be friends with everyone while being the literal universe.
Clare: Picard wishes he had a Singularity instead of a Q, if only for his blood pressure. We briefly discussed Singularity as a Taurus, but to be a Taurus requires having a level of confidence and chill that renders you sturdy in the face of obstacles. Singularity, on the other hand, will absorb an entire hoard of zombies and peace out, which is a very Libra thing to do.
Sara: Also, Singularity is named SINGULARITY which is the most Libra thing for a character to call themselves.
Clare: "I! AM! A! ONE! WOMAN! SHOW!"
Sara: Dazzler is perhaps the most intensely Leo person that has ever existed, besides her boyfriend-husband-ex Longshot. If you ever want to witness what a Leo/Leo match-up looks like… look no further than the blond guy with a mullet and a cool jacket and Dazzler the literal disco star whose villains regularly hate her because she is TOO PRETTY.
Clare: SHE IS THE LITERAL EMBODIMENT OF THE SUN AND SHE KNOWS IT. Dazzler’s eccentric glory (let us never forget, Allison came into this world as the Disco Dazzler and was originally meant to look like Grace Jones) burns so brightly she just has to be a Leo. And she knows it, too, which is extremely Leo of her.
Sara: In A-Force, Dazzler has a lot going on, but Dazzler has a lot going on, period. I read that original series, and it was a game-changer. Her time in the X-Men, meanwhile, was pretty much just her thinking about how hard the X-Men cramped her style. The X-Men! The coolest superteam! Bringing who down? Bringing Dazzler down.
Allison gets to do a little more in A-Force than usual, and you love to see it. When the X-Men come calling, her response is usually to put her phone on silent and close the blinds while catching up on her rewatch of Jane the Virgin. When A-Force comes calling, she shrugs and gets ready for some disco.
Clare: And then she dies, like, twice for her troubles, which is impressive in a series that lasted for 15 issues. Never let it be said that a Leo doesn't commit.
Nico Minoru: Pisces
Clare: Pisces is ruled by Neptune, naturally, and if you know your astrology (and your Sailor Moon), you know Neptune is all about creativity, witchery, and drama. Sounds like local teen goth and actual witch Nico to me!
Sara: Pisces' grumpiness is something that we generally let slide, but, let’s face it, it is a thing. In A-Force, we get to see a Nico who is over it.
Clare: Nico, in a rare turn of emotional self-awareness for the Marvel Universe, has actively told people she has difficulty knowing exactly what she’s feeling and that she has a bad habit of running to other people when life comes at her hard. And given that her parents in both regular continuity and A-Force continuity (Loki) are bad eggs, she’s got a lot to deal with. This goes hand in hand for Pisces; they have such a rich emotional life that sometimes they just want to not think about it.
Sara: And yet it is their ability to empathize and their strong emotional core that makes them so highly sought after as a teammate.
Clare: Though that doesn’t always go well… Nico loses a lot of people during A-Force. America! Dazzler! Loki! Singularity!
Sara: Girl, it has been a DAY.
America Chavez: Aries
Sara: Well, well, well, here we are, with Aries as the best character yet again.
Clare: I mean! Oh, did you want us to elaborate?
Sara: Punches star-shaped holes into things as a hobby, as a career, and as a primary way of flirting.
Clare: America has so much charisma and natural leadership potential.
Sara: Just like me, an Aries.
Clare: And me, also an Aries. Is there is nothing more Aries than looking at a massive obstacle, rolling up one’s sleeves, and going "I can probably just brute force this, right?" Every Aries you know has fantasized about kicking a hole in reality. I'm fantasizing about it right now.
Sara: I've done it.
Clare: I don't have enough experience points yet, but I'm working on it! Ugh, this makes me want to go re-read The Life and Times of America Chavez again, that series is so good.
Sara: A-Force is a good thing to read, too.