In the beginning, there were alignments. Then there were Hogwarts Houses. And then there was BDE.
When it comes to judging your favorite characters, these are all very fine and worthy metrics, but isn't it time we went back to the metrics that mattered? You know, the stars?
With their hands determinedly covering up the birthdates of your favorite characters, FANGRRLS Clare and Sara set out to assign star signs to all your faves, one franchise at a time.
In this edition, your suffering will be legendary — even in heck!
Clare: Look, I know Pinhead is kind of the guy when it comes to Hellraiser. But one look at Clare Higgins as Julia in the original Hellraiser will tell you exactly why the original plan was for the franchise to be about Julia’s ascension as the Queen of Hell.
Sara: To me, in my heart, that is still what this franchise is about.
Clare: Julia is effortlessly glamorous—see her rocking a white men’s suit without her skin on—but unafraid to get her hands dirty. She will do whatever it takes to carry out her will, and she’s more than capable of playing the long game.
Sara: Speaking as the child of a Capricorn mother, I can confirm that this all checks out.
Clare: Lawful Capricorns are retiring but noble, unwilling to step into the spotlight for personal reasons. But even Chaotic Capricorns someone who doesn’t impulsively rush into things. Julia’s not sleeping on any opportunities—she’s waiting for the right moment to strike.
Sara: Meanwhile just kind of casually throwing human lives into the grinder as she goes along, which is fine.
Clare: There’s a smoldering to Julia — in more ways than one, know what I mean?
Sara: I wish I did, but if I did, Julia would have killed me by now.
Kirsty Cotton: Gemini
Clare: Geminis are known for being especially great communicators (sorry, I listened to the entire Wicked soundtrack twice in a row in a fit of nostalgia and now it’s in my HEAD AND WON’T GET OUT). And you know who is so great at communicating she successfully makes loads of negotiations with Cenobites? Kirsty Cotton, that’s who.
Sara: Personally, if the Cenobites showed up at my house, I would just hide under my blankets and wait for the end to come.
Clare: Oh, yeah, I’d just give up immediately.
Sara: Kirsty is like, well, as I see it, I have you all at a disadvantage, so what say we talk compromise? The Cenobites are like, what.
Clare: It’s amazing. She also becomes loyal quickly, which is good for someone in a horror film… even though those people tend to shift once she’s out of immediate danger. I was watching Hellbound: Hellraiser II and her boyfriend from the first movie, like, survives and everything, but Kristy forgets about him in favor of that doctor who looks like Steve Guttenberg and, of course, Tiffany.
Sara: Kirsty is also pretty great at saying the wrong things to people and focusing on her own agenda over the agendas of logic and sanity. This lady jumps right into Hell without a second thought and adopts a child while she’s there. It’s that good old Gemini panache.
Clare: Can we talk about how good Imogen Boorman is at emoting? Tiffany doesn’t talk for a lot of Hellraiser II, because of trauma, but Boorman is just emoting to the rafters with her big ol' eyes. Big Leonardo DiCaprio as the good twin in The Man in the Iron Mask energy towards the end of the movie, by the way, great job, costume department.
. ...anyway, where was I? Oh right, Tiffany can emote from here to the moon because she’s a Pisces.
Sara: Tiffany’s only spoken word through the movie is a well-timed curse word, which is very Pisces. Indeed, who needs words when you can communicate years of trauma with a simple look? Kirsty also spends about twelve seconds with Tiffany before going, "Girl Gang!" and vowing eternal friendship to her, which is a pretty Gemini thing to do. Meanwhile, Tiffany is like, "where are we going? Out of Hell? Sounds great. I mean, you could leave me here if you wanted to but I’m glad you care enough to let me tag along. Maybe later we can hang out and silently do some puzzles together. But we don’t have to if you don’t want to."
Clare: Okay, I know we just talked about how to be a Pisces is to be emotion itself, and that doesn’t necessarily sound like Pinhead, but consider: he spends his time looking for the ultimate in sensation and spends a lot of time in quiet contemplation. That's an internal dude if I’ve ever seen one (and not just because I can see his internals).
Sara: I'm going to go ahead and say it does sound like Pinhead because he always has to talk out his feelings while he's preparing to torture someone. It's his way of saying, "Listen, we've all got problems, and my problem is that I must torment you for eternity. Who really has it worse? Probably me."
Clare: He does have that dreaminess we associate with the Pisces; is he a Priest of Hell? Is he just a World War I veteran trying to reconcile the horrors of war by way of the ultimate in hedonism? That conflict might garner him sympathy… which he will immediately use to torment you.
Sara: He's especially a Pisces because he's all hung up on a GEMINIIIII! HAYYYY, PISCES! Seriously, though, you gotta let this Kirsty thing go, bud.
Clare: She's not good for you, dude!
Joey & Terri: Gemini
Sara: Oh, Joey and Terri, the will-they-won't-they of the Hellraiser franchise.
Clare: Lot of really strong same sign, different vibe in Hellraiser… almost like it's a franchise that sometimes examines the duality of man or something… wild…
Sara: This is why this article is DRENCHED with Geminis. Examine the facts: Terri is a strong, self-isolated character, trying to keep her life together and focusing on her career, while Joey is the chaotic side of Gemini that nearly sets the kitchen on fire trying to cook breakfast and then arbitrarily goes back to her terrible ex just to move the plot along.
Clare: "I DON’T KNOW, I WAS JUST FURTHERING THE NARRATIVE" is such a classic Gemini excuse.
Sara: Your actions have consequences, Gemini! The true tragedy of Hellraiser III is that these two didn't end up together, a couple of cat ladies in a longterm Gemini power couple. Joey had to become a Cenobite instead, but that’s just that chaotic Gemini energy acting up again. In all fairness, Terri probably already forgot about the whole thing by the time the credits rolled because of all her dad drama. Dad drama! Another theme of this franchise and also Geminis.
Clare: Sara and I had a time trying to decide if Angelique is a Virgo or a Sagittarius. For me, the usual dividing line between the Virgo and the Sag is the Sag’s fiery cry of "EFF YOU, THE HORSE YOU CAME IN ON, AND THE HORSE YOUR HORSE CAME IN ON!" Virgos can be just as aggressive, but they're a little more grounded (lol) and multifaceted in their anger. I ended up on the Virgo side because Angelique simmers rather than erupts.
Sara: I thought maybe Sag until I rewatched Bloodline but then it’s obvious we’re dealing with a Virgo. She's resourceful, she's manipulative, she's proactive, and she’s super good at orchestrating tragedy and then just standing back and letting it unfold. She’s great at just telling people what they want to hear and stepping to the side and allowing them to ruin themselves. This is that side of Virgos that people are terrified of! Also, the part where she has no skin on her head.
Clare: Dead giveaway for Virgo.
Sara: I like Angelique in this movie because even in the beginning when you want to feel sorry for her she's just completely committed to amorality. Like, "don’t bother sympathizing with me. I'm a terrible person." It's that casual acceptance of the brutal reality that tells me we've got a Virgo on our hands.
Clare: "Look, I made this decision, and now I'm going to unmake you."
Sara: I like her! I think she's fun. Also, she kills Adam Scott in this movie, who appears here in the role of an amoral ponytail. The '90s!
Lady Cenobite: Cancer
Clare: My favorite Lady Cenobite moment is in Hellraiser II, where Kirsty’s trying to explain that it's an accident, and Lady Cenobite calls her out on her "excuses." This woman is RUTHLESS, though you could probably guess that from her body mod of choice being exposing her own voice box. Also: used to be a nun, apparently!
Sara: Just like me, a nun who became a demon.
Clare: She's the only other Cenobite who really talks. The Cenobite Squad has a very clear pecking order, with Pinhead at the top (I guess because he's the tallest?), but Lady Cenobite is always there and always ready to speak her mind. RESPECTFULLY BUT DEFINITIVELY.
Sara: In the Hellraiser comics, she gets a little bit more time to shine as you see her allying with Kirsty against her terrible ex Pinhead, which is classic Cancer/Gemini energy. Even in the movies, though, this is a lady who invented grudges, which reminds me of Cancers for some reason, I can't quite put my finger on why.