In the beginning, there were alignments. Then there were Hogwarts Houses. And then there was BDE.
When it comes to judging your favorite characters, these are all very fine and worthy metrics, but isn’t it time we went back to the metrics that mattered? You know, the stars?
With their hands determinedly covering up the birthdates of your favorite characters, FANGRRLS Clare and Sara set out to assign star signs to all your faves, one franchise at a time.
Spoilers for the Star Wars films and the original run of Clone Wars below. Major astrology spoilers, too; watch out for those.
LUKE - CANCER
Clare: Oh, my sweet, precious, baby Luke. Maybe it’s coming to the original trilogy after encountering the prequels or maybe it’s because I, too, was a whiny blonde teen, but I’ve always been very fond and protective of Luke. And one of the things I love about him most is his compassion.
Sara: He is a little cry.
Clare: Which is why he’s so obviously a Cancer. Cancers like Luke might grow up to be a curmudgeonly sort—which, I mean, after having to deal with Teen Ben Solo murdering all of your students, he’s earned it—but he’s still sensitive and, to a degree, intuitive.
Sara: Being curmudgeonly is a common Cancer trait. They love to be curmudgeonly. They bat their eyes and pout but they are also judgy little crabs and they will pinch you with their words. Have you ever argued with a Cancer? Their whole line of debate is “but once I was sad.” That’s why Luke was the best possible follow-up to Obi-Wan the Cancer, they’re both the kind of guys that can be like, “It’s fine, I’ll just chill inside this cave for a really long time and think about the past.”
Clare: And relentlessly roasting his padawan, something I assume he picked up from Yoda.
Sara: Luke is a character that sees all of the signs leading up to Vader being his dad then when it happens it’s true, he’s like, “WHAT?! THIS CANNOT BE!” which is a thing Cancers do. Plus crying.
LEIA - ARIES
Sara: Oh, what’s this? The best character in a franchise is deemed an Aries by two Aries again? Because we are both Aries and obsessed with Aries like all Aries are? Everyone else is obsessed with Aries too, but their Aries obsession pales in comparison to the Aries obsession with Aries.
Clare: First of all, yes, put your comment fingers down, we know they’re twins. However, science is on our side with this one; a pack of students at the University of Leicester once sat down and calculated how Luke and Leia’s ages would differ due to relative velocity time dilation. While that study was focused on their ages during the trilogy, the same mechanic would apply to their initial whisking off to their respective carers.
Clare: Also, Bail’s not going to make her birthday the same day as her brother’s birthday and her mother’s mysterious death; what is he, new?
Sara: Leia jumped ship from Padme way earlier than Luke, because as a true Aries she was out of there, and Luke, as a true Cancer, basically thought, "oh, I’ll just hang out in this womb way longer than I need to and then when finally forced to leave I will go on to miss it my whole life."
Clare: The fact that this is not a Look Who’s Talking-esque scene in Revenge of the Sith is really one of the great missed opportunities of that trilogy.
Clare: Anyway! Just take a look at Leia commanding the troops in The Empire Strikes Back and tell me she’s not a ram. It may be tempting to pin her as a Virgo (the Girl TM of the zodiac) like her mother before her, but Leia is so full of passion and so ready to fight at the drop of a hat that she has to be the most headstrong of the fire signs.
Sara: She also ended up a prisoner really fast by jumping into the fray which reminds me of… every choice I’ve ever made. Besides that, Aries aren’t the easiest people to work with because we say, “Yeah, we’ve got this, why don’t you just relax and take a break for the rest of your life?” When the boys rescued Leia, she essentially said, “maybe next time do it faster?” and folks, that is that old Aries charm at play right there.
Clare: Dreamy. She sees a problem and she endeavors to solve it, even when makes her unpopular—see her struggles with the New Republican government, as she becomes increasingly unpopular for calling out the potential threat of the First Order. And, of course, she’s right, which is an incredibly Aries thing to be.
Sara: When she kills Jabba? Wow.
Clare: That’s a classic Aries power move, dismantling your oppressor.
Sara: But your oppressor can be anyone, it doesn’t just have to be Jabba.
HAN SOLO - LEO
Sara: Oh, dear. Well, like most Leos, Han really can’t be anything other than a Leo.
Clare: He really can’t. Han makes a lot of attempts to go straight, as it were, and where does he end back up? Scoundreling. Full time. The boy can’t help it. And… he’s kind of bad at it? I say this lovingly, but Han is aggressively improvising his way through life. Which is great up until most of your crew gets EATEN BY TENTACLE MONSTERS I didn’t forget about that line!
Sara: It’s prime Leo to view someone that doesn’t seem to like them very much as the potential love of their life. They also really thrive off attention and Aries are great at giving attention in relationships... for about a month until they get annoyed and bury themselves in their work again and pretty much forget their partner exists. Did I mention these two break up?
Clare: THEY ARE COMMON-SPACE-LAW SEPARATED, SARA, YOU DON’T JUST DIVORCE LEIA ORGANA.
Clare: Unfortunately, the Aries/Leo combination is fire playing with fire—which means that they burn bright and passionate, but cannot, ultimately, build a harmonious home life together. Which is something I actually really respect about the sequel trilogy: acknowledging that Han and Leia are a once in a lifetime kind of love… that can’t build a life together.
Sara: I mean, it could work, anything can work, but does it have to? They have totally different life goals. Aries are obsessed with their jobs while Leos feed off of attention. It can be really mutually beneficial but takes a lot of patience from both, which isn’t a fire sign’s strong suit. All I know is that once an Aries and a Leo begin a fight, it will never really end and you will never convince either of them they were wrong. They might forget about it sometimes for the sake of civility, but it’s highly unlikely either party will issue a satisfactory apology to the other. I might go so far as to say that Aries and Leos are the worst at apologizing out of the entire Zodiac.
Clare: Han and Leia have been having the same fight their entire relationship, which is both terrible for their relationship but also kind of sweet.
Sara: Ehhhhh. Fine.
CHEWIE - TAURUS
Clare: When we say Chewie is a Taurus, we mean that all Tauruses should be more like Chewie.
Sara: I feel like they are. Every Taurus I know and every Wookiee I know just want to kick it with their friends and eat good food in space.
Clare: I mean, Chewie just has it made, barring his turn as Space Gladiator in Solo. He’s a handsome specimen of a Wookiee, he’s a good pilot, he’s a GREAT shot with a crossbow (everybody knows the only reason Kylo Ren is still alive is because Uncle Chewie couldn’t bring himself to murder Benji oh no I made myself sad), and he gets to go on great adventures. Really, Chewie is the one who has all his shizz together; when it comes to Han and Chewie, Chewie’s the one in charge.
Sara: Han is very high drama, like a Leo, and Chewie is very low drama, like a Taurus.
Clare: Never forget that they have canonically taken a shower together where Chewie was just like “hey, man, whatever” while Han tried to snark him out of the stall. Onscreen. I love my big silly space opera so much.
Sara: Taurus - an A+ Zodiac sign. Chewie - an A+ Wookiee who is very chill about showering with friends.
LANDO - SAGITTARIUS
Sara: Lando is a charmer who flirts with everyone, loves adventure, and is always down to take risks, and that spells out Sagittarius to me.
Clare: 100%. Lando is the smoothest man in the galaxy, which explains why we all high-fived each other when Donald Glover was cast as bb Lando in Solo, aka the best part of that movie. Not only is he impeccably dressed and eloquent, but he also just rolls with whatever rolls into his life, i.e. winning control of Cloud City in a card game. Damn, he’s good.
Sara: Despite their honesty, a Sagittarius can get pretty ruthless when they feel they’ve been wronged. For instance, when they’ve lost their cool spaceship to a Leo, they might be driven to take revenge.
Clare: Lando being Lando, he takes the best revenge: reinventing himself as a “galactic entrepreneur” instead of trying to steal it back.
Sara: Yet their Sagittarius honesty will no doubt get the better of them and they will be forced to save that same Leo in the next movie.
Clare: I mean, essentially, that’s his whole storyline in The Empire Strikes Back; Lando agrees to the Empire’s terms (give them Han, Leia, and Chewie in exchange for Cloud City’s safety) motivated both of concern for his people and because the last time he saw Han, Han screwed him over. But his Sagittarius nature gets the better of him because he knows what’s right. Lando. Whatta guy.
Sara: I think he’s just great. Much like Sagittarius is the cool version of a Leo, Lando is the cool version of Han.
TARKIN - CAPRICORN
Sara: Mace Windu is our dreamy determined Capricorn friend who goes all the way for those he cares for! Meanwhile, Tarkin is… the other kind of Capricorn.
Clare: Not the fun kind of Capricorn, like Black Phillip. The bad kind of Capricorn.
Sara: Peter Cushing said he portrayed Tarkin as “cross and unpleasant,” which, I’m not sure if you’ve ever been on the wrong side of a Capricorn, but that’s a pretty apt description of what that’s like.
Clare: Wilhuff “Willy if you want to die” Tarkin is supremely up to snuff; he likes rules, he likes structure, and he likes it effective, aka… violent. Tarkin’s appearances in The Clone Wars feature his draconic opinions on things such as government and murder teens. But it’s his cool and collected destruction of Alderaan that kind of exemplifies his bad Capricorn vibe; he actually discusses why it’s so much more effective as a threat to the Rebellion to Leia just after it happens!
One of the most amazing things we came across while researching this article is that one time, Vader asked Tarkin to hunt him for sport, and Tarkin did. Why ask when you can follow the rules and make a tasty to-do list for hunting down a Sith Lord? You’re a bad friend, Tarkin! A BAD FRIEND!
Sara: Clare came across that information, actually, I am not about to read a Wookieepedia entry about Tarkin right now. Clare read it aloud to me on the phone. I would make the argument that it actually makes Tarkin Vader’s very best friend, though, because Vader really just wanted someone to pay attention to him and Tarkin DID. With attempted murder. Like a friend.
PALPATINE - PISCES
Sara: Hahaha. Will you look at that. Another villain Pisces.
Clare: Yeah, but this one is different because SHEEV PALPATINE IS MY FOREVER BOY. In a galaxy full of villains doing things for Reasons TM (daddy issues, got turned into a cyborg for funsies, etc), Palpatine’s sole motivation appears to be… just because he can? He’s basically the Joker of the Star Wars universe.
Sara: Being the Joker of something is actually terrible, Clare.
Clare: I mean, there’s an element of “I can’t believe people are letting me get away with this!” to Palpatine and his various schemes; the dude goes to war with himself, essentially, to disguise the fact that he’s taking over the Republic. And even once he’s consolidated power and kicking back in his waffle-knit hooded Snuggie, he still pulls shenanigans just because he can. The only reason he really wants Luke as an apprentice is so he can have a new, unsmoked one with hair. And we all know how that turned out for him.
Sara: I can’t believe he never came up with a backup plan for if Vader betrayed him at a crucial moment. Palpatine is like, “it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine, GAME OVER!” which is traditionally how Pisces handle stress. He also laughs at his own jokes a lot, which is traditionally how Pisces handle jokes.
Clare: He just loves life! He loves life so much he immaculately conceived Anakin! Wait, are we still pretending that never happened or?
Sara: I’m super pretending that never happened. Besides that, instead of dying a regular death Palpatine has to get thrown down a tunnel and explode because Pisces are on that level of drama.
Clare: Palpatine is maximum drama. Perhaps that why is I love him.
Sara: *looks directly into camera*
YODA - GEMINI
Sara: So, Yoda is definitely a Gemini, because he loves chatting away with Luke and he has some of the best lines of any of the movies. Geminis love words, and that is their biggest triumph and their biggest tragedy because they have a habit of just saying whatever they think is true without fact-checking at all, or even deliberately lying just to win a room.
Clare: Sure, he sounds wise and all, but what’s that little frog up? Maybe… shaming little boys for having feelings? I love you, Yoda, as I love all Jedi who are kind of funny jerks, but c’mon, buddy.
Sara: He’s basically Prince in Purple Rain, another Gemini who is angry emotions. Geminis also love torturing Cancers, which explains the dynamic between Luke and Yoda.
Clare: Oh my God, this explains everything, like why Yoda makes sure his Force ghost can hit Luke on the head.
Sara: Like all Geminis, Yoda is really great at comebacks, even though the comebacks only have about a 24% chance of making sense. A good nonsensical slam is a Gemini’s bread and butter.
Clare: You know how when you need a comeback, you don’t have it, and the perfect one comes to you hours later? Yoda has the opposite of that. He has a big feeling and he just lashes out with words and roasts you. Poor Luke got the business end of that both as a young ‘un and a grumpy old guss.
Sara: He’s really very likable!