In the beginning, there were alignments. Then there were Hogwarts Houses. And then there was BDE.
When it comes to judging your favorite characters, these are all very fine and worthy metrics, but isn’t it time we went back to the metrics that mattered? You know, the stars?
With their hands determinedly covering up the birthdates of your favorite characters, FANGRRLS Clare and Sara set out to assign star signs to all your faves, one franchise at a time.
This edition, we boldly go where astrology comes from: the stars!
JEAN-LUC PICARD: AQUARIUS
Clare: Let’s be real, Picard is a toughie.
Sara: He’s a tough nut to trek.
Clare: It’s not that he’s ~mysterious~ he’s just... multi-faceted.
Sara: Such a classic Aquarius move to be a complex and nuanced human being.
Clare: Any given episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation can inform his character in a new and different way, from vacations with lady Indiana Jones to traveling back to Future France to deal with his family’s vineyards. These waters… run deep.
Sara: I keep saying Aquarius isn’t a water sign, but no one believes me.
Clare: He doesn’t seek the spotlight, but he certainly enjoys it when it’s on him, as anyone would.
Sara: He also quite optimistically leads people to their dooms while claiming to be working for the greater good, which I think most Aquariuses would admit to having done at least once in their lives.
BEVERLY CRUSHER: TAURUS
Sara: I feel like Crusher is a Taurus because she’s just always there, working away, asking for so little in life, but also absolutely will not budge even in the slightest to any level of coercion or aggression or even just a cordial request from a close friend.
Clare: Dr. Beverly Crusher is a woman of many talents — she’s smart, she’s compassionate, and that way she says “Jean-Luc” makes my knees go weak. The only thing she can’t do is raise a cool son.
Sara: Lol @ Wesley, what a nerd. Who even knows what that guy’s sign is. Nerd sign.
Clare: It’s okay, Beverly! You can’t be good at everything! Just 99.9% of everything. I love her.
Sara: You really do. I will say this, Wesley is the guy that none of us wants to relate to but he is who we really are. Meanwhile, Crusher is our support system, and we need a support system because we’re all just a bunch of insecure little Wesleys deep down inside.
Clare: It makes complete sense that Beverly is the most chill of the Earth signs (you may recall we previously assigned, sorry, correctly identified Chewie as a Taurus). There’s just… this inner sense of peace and calm to her. It’s that thing where you look at her and you just feel… calm and at peace.
Sara: Learning a lot about Clare today!
DEANNA TROI: CANCER
Sara: Troi’s job is feelings, and even if a Cancer’s job is something other than feelings they would still manage to make their job be about feelings somehow. Cancers go through life acting like they’ve got some kind of monopoly on emotion, so chances are our goddess of empathy here is a Cancer.
Clare: Sara, I feel… that you have strong feels about Deanna.
Sara: I don’t have any feelings about this in the slightest and looking at Deanna Troi is not like looking into a mirror for me even a little bit so I’m not sure why you’re calling me out like this.
Clare: True story: I usually think of Deanna as Troi in my head, so as we were communing with the stars in the dead of night to bring you this month’s installment (aka chatting on the phone), I kept hearing Nick Cave and the Bad Seed’s “Deanna” in my head.
Sara: If Deanna Troi is the only therapist on the Enterprise, who does Deanna Troi talk to when she feels sad?
Clare: Deanna feels so much, but, in her defense, she has made that her job, so, she’s doing great. Except for the whole marrying Riker thing.
Sara: I always don’t understand why Deanna dates Riker, then I realize that all of my exes are literally Riker. Just a bunch of lady Rikers with their winning smiles and their decade-late marriage proposals, and here I am just an empath in a cleavage dress trying to live.
Clare: LOOK WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.
Sara: My mistake was to be born.
GEORDI LA FORGE: AQUARIUS
Sara: Okay, so it’s actual canon that Geordi is an Aquarius. He was born February 16 according to Star Trek, and we have agreed to allow this to be the case because honestly, he is such an Aquarius.
Clare: Quick, who’s the most charming, approachable genius you know? Trick question: it’s Geordi.
Sara: Geordi is always cracking wise and gets really stoked about doing a good job, but there’s a deeper inner turmoil hidden in his heart and thus he is a moody baby Aquarius. He’s always there for everyone, but when he needs a friend, sometimes he doesn’t know how to reach out on an emotional level. Geordi! So endearing. His best friend is an android, which is consistent with what I know of Aquariuses.
Sara: Data. Obvious Capricorn. Loves data. Facts. Statistics. Figures. Perfectionism! Being the best he can be! Emotions? No, not emotions. Data trying to work on his feelings for three minutes a day before he gets frustrated and goes off to do his job a bunch is literally the most Capricorn thing I’ve ever heard.
Clare: It would be such an amazing Star Trek: The Next Generation episode B-plot for Data to learn about astrology and have a crisis over selecting the right astrological sign.
Sara: We can help you, Data! You’re a Capricorn.
Clare: Like most Capricorns, Data puts others first. There’s an episode where Data starts dating a crew member (excellent taste, friend), and the whole thing falls apart because Data keeps behaving in reaction to her wants and needs, instead of expressing his own. Which is actually kind of beautiful?
Sara: I had a Capricorn friend once describe love from a Capricorn as essentially them agreeing in their hearts to take on the responsibility of feeling emotion for you. Data has taken responsibility for feeling emotions for the whole Enterprise crew. It's a lot!
Sara: Worf is an Aries because he’s Clare, and Clare is an Aries because she’s Worf.
Clare: I identify very heavily with Worf. I, too, never shut up about my heritage and yet am awkward in the motherland, like Worf on his summer vacation to his brother’s ship.
Sara: It sounds like Clare is being bizarrely specific here but trust me this all checks out.
Clare: The Season 5 episode “New Ground” finds Worf adjusting to having his son, Alexander, on board the Enterprise. Alexander, feeling abandoned by his grandparents, is understandably acting out. Everybody warns Worf to be delicate in this situation, but he just waves them off like, “Oh, none of that sentimental nonsense, we’ll just have a very clear and concise conversation, man to man, and that’ll be the end of that.” And when that doesn’t work, Worf is like, “WHAT! BUT I DID THE WHOLE COMMUNICATION THING!!!” and that is me all the time.
Sara: Again, it sounds bizarrely specific, but this is literally Clare Worf we’re talking about here. Speaking as the Troi, our interactions are pretty much just me talking about feelings and Clare being like, what if I climbed a mountain.
Clare: Worf believes all things can be fixed by the application of rules, be they military or cultural, and occasional pure brute force. He’s also… the best. I love him so much. I love all of these nerds so much.
Sara: Truly never know what this guy is going to try and pull. Is he coming or going? No clue. I don’t know, he doesn’t know, Picard doesn’t know. The only person that knows is Troi but nobody listens to her because every episode would only be like 3.5 minutes long if they did.
Clare: My favorite thing about Q is that when we first meet him, we’re blown away by both his immense cosmic power and the judge look he serves. Seriously, I don’t know if it’s residual weirdness from loving Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame as a small child, but I was all about it. And then later we learn that the other Q are just like, “ughhhhhhh, this guy!!!”
Sara: That’s generally my response to Geminis but in an endearing way, if that makes sense? Also, it’s really cute how much he wants to be Picard’s best friend but doesn’t actually know how to be someone’s best friend so he just messes with him constantly. This is literally how Geminis become friends with people.
Clare: He just thinks Picard is the coolest but he made such an aggressive first impression that he has no idea how to backpedal out of it. He gets so mad at Picard’s occasional squeeze Vash in “Qpid”; there’s literally a line in that episode where he’s like “UGH I KNEW I PUT THE WRONG GENDER ON WHEN I LEFT THE HOUSE THE FIRST TIME I MET YOU!!!”
Sara: Happens to the best of us.
Clare: Did we get everybody? Oh, we forgot Riker —
Sara: He’s Bad Aries. Riker was replaced with evil goatee Riker super early on and no one even noticed. Can we not talk about him? Like, we love him, we’ve come to terms with it, but we don’t have to linger on it. We can talk about someone else maybe, like Yar.
Clare: We can do anything we want, Sara, we’re the astrologists. But can we talk about Guinan instead?
Sara: Bartender to the stars.
Sara: Guinan has to be a Scorpio because she is chill and friendly but will also drop the heaviest realness you’ve ever experienced in your life on a dime, and you just straight up have no idea when that’s going to happen.
Clare: Guinan is a very kind and chill person, but she can be quite pointed when she knows she’s right. In “Ensign Ro,” Ro storms onto the Enterprise like “This isn’t the Federation’s Best Friend Race!!!” and Guinan’s like “okay, so we’re going to be friends.”
Sara: Scorpios are highly committed to their goals, and if their goal is to be your friend, well, that’s just what happens.
Clare: Yoda wishes he was anything like Guinan. Guinan actually helps people. THE JEDI TEMPLE IS CORRUPT.
Sara: Sometimes Clare comes out swinging and we all just have to duck.