In the beginning, there were alignments. Then there were Hogwarts Houses. And then there was BDE.
When it comes to judging your favorite characters, these are all very fine and worthy metrics, but isn’t it time we went back to the metrics that mattered? You know, the stars?
With their hands determinedly covering up the birthdates of your favorite characters, FANGRRLS Clare and Sara set out to assign star signs to all your faves, one franchise at a time.
James T. Kirk: Aries
Clare: I mean, the simplest way to say this is that Kirk is a doer. (eyebrows)
Sara: He likes to do things. And people. And aliens. He likes to do every damn thing except his job, honestly.
Clare: Kirk exemplifies the best of us and the worst of us Aries; he has great ideas and is motivated by both a duty to do right and his Great Bird-given right to enjoy his work. He’s willing to work hard. But sometimes the detail work can be… a little messy.
Sara: Wow, I feel like you’re writing my biography while I’m just sitting here having a great time.
Sara: Like Kirk and Spock, Clare and I are both Aries that learn nothing from each other.
Clare: When you look at it that way, all Aries are great characters.
Sara: Especially me. I’m the Kirk. You can tell because I’m handsome and I like running into situations unprepared.
Clare: You forgot impeccable eyebrow quirks. One of the greatest thing about Spocks (and, indeed, all Vulcans) is that they claim to be the most drama-free culture in the universe but are also just… all drama all the time?
Sara: If your whole life is about avoiding feelings, your life is still about feelings.
Clare: I mean, Spock leaves Starfleet dramatically to go purge himself of all emotion in the way of his people and then doesn’t and then returns to Man’s World equally dramatically in a high-necked black cape oh my god I’m Spock.
Sara: Clare is the Spock because she has pointy ears and equally pointy dramatic sensibilities. Aries are always like, “but I’m pretty chill for an Aries!” but they are wrong because we are not a chill sign. Aries are like, “I’m a chill person,” then they absolutely lose their damn minds because there’s a typo in their bio on the alumni tab on the Starfleet Academy webpage.
Clare: “HOW HARD IS IT TO SPELL SPOCK WITH NO APOSTROPHES?”
Leonard "Bones" McCoy: Taurus
Clare: Bones, a Taurus? One of the chillest and most self-sustaining star signs bestowed upon Bones, who has never stopped complaining a day in his entire life? You might protest, but here’s the thing to remember: Bones loves complaining. Having two best friends he can snipe at all day long at work is just mwah perfection to the good doctor.
Sara: Lol @ “best friends.”
Clare: THEY ARE HIS BEST FRIENDS THEY GO ON CAMPING TRIPS TOGETHER.
Sara: Honestly I feel bad for Bones because he’s really just caught watching the love affair between Kirk and Spock all the time, but you know what? Bones can give Spock the consistency that Kirk can’t, and that’s why they’re first…
Nyota Uhura: Sagittarius
Clare: Ah, Sagittarius, the good fire sign.
Sara: You don’t have to insult me to compliment someone else.
Clare: Sorry, let me try again. Leos are lovable monsters and Aries are, speaking as one who often tires herself out by her very extraness, a lot, but the flame of the Sag is a self-sustaining one. Uhura doesn’t seek the spotlight, but she also enjoys it when it shines it on her, because she knows she’s the best. When a very high Sulu tries to abscond with her while swashbuckling, Uhura walks the line between amused and “Hi, what."
Sara: Also, Uhura is basically the only person on that crew that has her life together. Kirk aka myself is always trying to make out with aliens and everyone else is stressed about Kirk always trying to make out with aliens, meanwhile Uhura is like, yeah hilarious how I held down this entire damn ship while you were doing whatever it is you do.
Sara: My favorite Uhura moment is in the animated series episode “The Lorelei Signal” where all the men fall in love with these space sirens and Uhura is like, “Ha! That’s hilarious! Okay,” so she takes a female crew to the planet and they just hang out and paint each other's toenails or whatever and become besties. It’s the only time Uhura got to be the captain of the Enterprise and, again, it was 100% because Kirk was busy trying to lead his crew to their deaths so he could make out with a random alien.
Clare: What can I say, that guy’s a doer.
Pavel Chekov: Gemini
Sara: I’m about to Chekov my to-do list.
Clare: Oh ho ho! I had to remind Sara who Chekov was and ended up describing Chekov as cute for the sixties, so basically, Harry Styles. And you know what, given the reboot, I’m actually not that far off.
Sara: I kind of remembered him... except I didn’t. He’s like Davy Jones but with less good eyebrows and not as many hit singles, unless you count Russia as a hit single.
Clare: Chekov would. His Gemini nature is obvious, because most of the time, he’s just a happy guy, but the second he can brag on Russia, he is on it like clear on vodka. The Federation is supposed to be a unification and celebration of all Earth cultures, working together to journey across the stars for science, and Chekov’s on board for that. It’s just… also Russia invented everything cool, you know, and he wants to share all of Russia’s history and innovations, even when they’re lies. Like Chekov’s accent!
Sara: In the future maybe that’s how Russian accents will sound.
Hikaru Sulu: Libra
Sara: Wow, Sulu! I feel like there’s a whole other untold series in which Sulu is low-key flirting with all the aliens that Kirk doesn’t flirt with and we just don’t find out about it because the Aries made everything be about him.
Clare: ACCURATE. Sulu’s swipe to date ratio is so much higher than Kirk’s but do we ever hear about it? NO.
Much like Uhura, Sulu is fun and chill, but unlike Uhura, he’s a people pleaser. I mean, his utmost fantasy is to be a swashbuckling hero, which necessarily involves rescuing people, a classic people pleasing move.
Sara: I feel like 90% of Sulu’s job is just to be dapper and charming, so it’s good that he’s a Libra, who are generally dapper and charming unless they are given literally any task of any kind, at which time they become absolute monsters.
Clare: Sulu’s an absolute monster… at driving that ship, heyo.
Montgomery "Scotty" Scott: Pisces
Sara: Oh, wow! Finally, a loveable Pisces. I knew there was one of you hanging out somewhere in the entirety of science fiction.
Clare: Whereas Bones thrives on complaining, Scotty is actually falling to pieces. Here’s how we know he’s a Pisces: when things are going great, he’s going great. Having a good time on shore leave, good-naturedly ribbing his coworkers.
Sara: Everybody’s having a good time.
Clare: But when the shizz hits the fan, oh boy. Oh, poor Scotty, laboring in Engineering, trying to keep the Enterprise not only together but pulling off truly bonkers stunts at the behest of James “The Most Aries” Kirk.
Sara: It’s so funny to watch Pisces have a meltdown because they’re trying to be nice about it the whole time. It’s also usually because someone gave them seven billion things to do and not enough time to do them and they’re so upset about disappointing someone. Usually an Aries, the most nightmare of all nightmare bosses.
Clare: This is the burden of a Pisces whose boss is an Aries: Scotty knows no peace at work. Maybe, deep down, he wishes he could be on another vessel in Starfleet, one that’s, like, about photographing plants or something.
Sara: Pisces like to resent people and then feel really guilty about it even though it’s genuinely the other person’s fault. Like, Kirk should not put that much on Scotty’s head, we all know that. Scotty says so literally every third episode. Meanwhile, Aries are super easy to resent because we don’t even notice when people have long-standing grudges against us that will ultimately endanger our friends and family, like, oh, for instance...
Khan Noonien Singh: Leo
Sara: I relate even more to Kirk when he has struggles with Khan because instead of dealing with him he just drops him off on an uninhabitable planet like, “Well, hope you don’t die, but don’t care if you do!” This is exactly how I handle problems. Then when Khan comes back Kirk is like, “WHAT!” just completely flabbergasted that this person whose life he actively ruined has held a grudge all this time. There’s a lesson in that but I feel like I’m not going to learn it.
Clare: This isn’t just about his hair in The Wrath of Khan, but it’s not not about it, you know? As we know, Leo men don’t fare well here on Super Star Signs, and that trend is not about to change.
Sara: It’s because Clare hates Leos.
Clare: Leo men, Sara, there’s a distinction.
Sara: The most hilarious thing about Khan is that everything he does is completely justified but he’s still incredibly unlikeable so we just pretend he’s the villain. I cannot believe his wife was eaten by eels. I feel like that’s kind of a gamechanger. For the rest of my life, people would be like, “Hey, how are you?” and I’d be like, “Oh, you know, terrible. My wife was eaten by eels 30 years ago.”
Clare: Ah, the dreaded “my wife was eaten by eels” card.