In the beginning, there were alignments. Then there were Hogwarts Houses. And then there was BDE.
When it comes to judging your favorite characters, these are all very fine and worthy metrics, but isn’t it time we went back to the metrics that mattered? You know, the stars?
With their hands determinedly covering up the birthdates of your favorite characters, FANGRRLS Clare and Sara set out to assign star signs to all your faves, one franchise at a time.
Clare: Okay, Mario being a Leo might seem as much a lock as Harry Potter being a Gryffindor, but hear us out: is this Forever 31 plumber really a nice guy?
Sara: I think he’s very rude. I think it’s rude of him to break into all those castles and keep throwing turtle shells everywhere. I was going to ask, “who raised him?” but that’s… this whole thing.
Clare: Why does Mario play so many sports? Tennis, soccer, whatever Dance Dance Revolution technically counts as. What inner burning hunger drives him ever onward to conquer new and as of yet unfathomable peripherals? When there are no more fields to conquer, will Mario then turn his cheery but determined gaze on the Mushroom Kingdom itself?
Sara: Then it becomes the Mustache Kingdom.
Clare: And when it comes to his interpersonal relationships, he’s got all the trappings of a typical male Leo: i.e., a total jerk. I mean, sweet baby Luigi waits decades to headline his own game, and then it’s all about rescuing Mario? There’s even a scene in Super Mario Odyssey where Mario’s ex Pauline quizzes him on her before revealing it’s her birthday, which he totally forgot. RUDE, MARIO, RUDE.
Sara: I think instead of Mario and Luigi adventures I would like to see Pauline and Luigi adventures. Also, I would like to note that Pauline only got kidnapped by Donkey Kong in the original Donkey Kong game because some stuff Mario pulled to begin with. What is Mario’s attraction to women that are kidnapped? Why does Mario feel the need to consistently place himself in the role of hero to the women he dates? Why.
Clare: Okay, first and foremost, I want to establish that Luigi and Mario aren’t twins. I know, I know, Yoshi’s Island, blah blah blah, but I posit to you, the reading audience, that Yoshis can’t tell human babies apart. Yoshis are a gentle, genderless species with a poor grasp on the concept of unique identity!
Sara: We decided that Toads are weird hive mind creatures but every Yoshi just thinks that they’re the only creature in existence and this solipsism is what primarily informs them. To reference Freud’s Structural Model of the Psyche, Yoshis are creatures of pure Ego, which is why one should refrain from attempting to impart human standards of behavior or reason on the Yoshi. Thus, they are not to be trusted with differentiating babies from one another. Much like a nurse in an '80s comedy, Yoshi is going to mix those babies up and hijinks are going to ensue.
Clare: Alright, now that that’s out of the way, Luigi is almost a prototypical Cancer. Despite his immense capabilities (again, despite being terrified out of his wits, battled his way through a haunted house to save his brother), Luigi suffers from the kind of cripplingly low confidence and self-esteem that makes him want to stay in the background.
Sara: Also, like all Cancers, Luigi’s legs spin in all directions and he can jump extremely far. Other than that, literally everything in Luigi’s life is based around Mario, including his outfit. While we understand that Mario is motivated to be the star of a self-invented “hero” saga, the only thing Luigi gains from these adventures is the chance to hang out with Mario, which would receive a hard pass from me.
Clare: I mean, his girlfriend is just his brother’s girlfriend palette-swapped. Branch out, Luigi! I hear the Bean Bean Kingdom is lovely this time of year.
Sara: I stan Daisy harder than you, though. I think Daisy is a pretty good match for Luigi. I think he and Daisy should just go kick it with Prince Peasley and check out the Bean Bean Kingdom for a summer and just let whatever happens happen.
PRINCESS PEACH: PISCES
Clare: Open-hearted and emotive—heck, the gameplay mechanics of 2005’s Super Princess Peach involve managing Peach’s emotions—Peach plays directly into her sign, with both her good traits… and her bad.
Sara: Peach is a tyrant. It’s actually one of her most admirable qualities, but she definitely rules the Mushroom Kingdom with an iron fist. She’s really weird too because there’s not really an origin story for her, which is such a classic Pisces move.
Clare: So weird! You can forget about it sometimes because she’s, y’know, but she can be really spacey and checked out.
Sara: Peach also stomps and gets all mad when she loses, then goes off to be sad about it for days, which… I’m not trying to be rude, but, Pisces. Also, in some games, she can coast and hover around on the air, which is so Pisces I can’t even stand it.
Clare: She’s also never afraid to get her hands dirty—even if, judging by her block move from Super Smash Bros. Melee, it’s with Toad blood. Heck, maybe the reason there’s not a Wapeach is because she’s already Wapauline. Sleep with one eye open around this cutie, that’s all I’m saying.
Sara: I do like that she lords over the Toads just like, as her job. I do respect that about her.
Sara: First, before we identify Bowser's Zodiac sign, we must establish that there is an extreme Aries bias from the authors of this piece, who are both Aries.
Clare: We aim to be as transparent as possible in the efforts of important journalism, like star signs for fictional characters. Now, with that said…
Sara: Like most Aries, Bowser is extremely likable and beautiful.
Clare: On the surface, the Big Bow Wow is the bull in the china shop of the Mushroom Kingdom, whose only goal in life appears to be kidnapping Peach for… I’m assuming deeply codependent reasons at this point and, of course, intramural sports with your mortal enemies. This punk dragon turtle (or dinosaur yuppie, if you’re watching the movie) has no feelings and eats sheets of metal for breakfast, he’s unstoppable.
Sara: Clare relates to Bowser in a way that is very profound and true.
Clare: (sobs) I’m too punk for feelings too!
Clare: But underneath all that armor, both real and metaphorical, Bowser just wants to be a good dad to Bowser Jr. (mother redacted). And even though the Koopalings are no longer his biological children (thanks Miyamoto, why don’t you publish another Hyrule Historia and take more theorizing away from meee), he’s clearly earned their loyalty through mentorship. Like many an Aries, he’s just a big softie underneath it all.
Clare: Y’know. Because. The shell? OK, you get it, got it, good.
Sara: I think he’s super nice to the Koopalings. I think he is handsome and nice. He does have a problem with kidnapping, but Bowser exists in a state much like that of the “new morality” conceptualized in Nietzsche's Thus Spoke Zarathustra, which renders it inconsequential that Bowser's actions would typically be considered “wrong,” because he exists in an Eternal Return. This is to say, throughout history, Bowser has recurred, and will continue to recur across time and space and also the Mushroom Kingdom. Bowser is beyond good and evil, so to speak. He remains morally pure despite his wrongdoing.
Clare: The ultimate Aries power move.
DONKEY KONG: TAURUS
Clare: Okay, yes, technically, the venerable Donkey Kong has his own entire franchise to worry about, but getting further into that would risk me going into a fugue state to recite the Donkey Kong 64 rap.
Sara: *makes mental note* Donkey Kong had kind of a rough start, much like fellow Taurus Orson Welles, who famously alienated most of Hollywood upon the completion of his first feature film, Citizen Kane. Also like Orson Welles, Donkey Kong just kind of showed up out of nowhere chucking barrels at everyone, which is not always a great way to make friends. On the other hand, the person he threw barrels at the most was Proto-Mario, so it… it’s fine.
Clare: Wow. I mean, it’s easy to forget that this entire shebang got its start off of intolerable animal cruelty. Why was Donkey Kong such a beast in Donkey Kong? Well, as Donkey Kong Jr. tells us, maybe it’s because Donkey Kong was locked up and tortured by his owner… Mario! (TYPICAL LEO!)
Sara: About to call the Humane Society on this guy, tbh.
Clare: But from such tortured beginnings, Donkey Kong has become the patriarch of his own franchise (maybe literally, if we sit down and hash out who exactly Cranky Kong is). He has the strength and stamina of an actual bull and the taste for indulgence that cosmic bulls are known for. All Donkey Kong has ever wanted is a chair by the beach, a big banana, and his girlfriend.
Sara: That is also all that I want. But he kidnapped Pauline, which I am less into, but it is through Donkey Kong that we discover she went on to become an important community figure and even mayor of a small town. For your consideration, Clare, I would like to propose that Pauline is also a Taurus.
Clare: Proposal accepted!
Clare: Ah, Wario, the true aspirational figure in Mario.
Sara: Wario is definitely an Aquarius because he is both honest and completely unpredictable. You never really know what direction Wario is going to go in. Besides, Aquarius is the opposite sign to Leo, and Wario is Mario’s opposite. Which is why he is cool, because Mario sucks.
Clare: EXACTLY. Wario’s like a box of Wizarding chocolates; you never know what you’re going to get but there’s usually explosions involved. Like our best rock stars, Wario reinvents himself on the constant. He’s gone from villain to protagonist to thief to games developer. His '70s biker dude gear from Wario Ware is arguably just as iconic as his yellow and purple togs.
Sara: We also unfortunately discovered that Wario is a “daddy.” I really respect his fashion moves. Yes, they are bold, but they hit the mark. I think I would vote Wario the best dressed of all the Mario characters, because… he is, and I am unquestionably right to say so.
Clare: Hey, quick question: is Aquarius a water sign?
Sara: Aquarius is air sign! Called the water bearer but they are air sign, thus already suspect by being an air sign with the word “aqua” in their name.
Sara: Wario is the water bearer of evil.
Sara: Utilizing concepts put forward throughout the history of literature in novellas like Dostoevsky's The Double and Poe's William Wilson, Waluigi appears to us as the inverse of Luigi, or the Bob to Luigi's Agent Dale Cooper, if you will.
Clare: Oh, he’s such a Bob.
Sara: Waluigi is the avenue through which the Mario universe explores the concept of the doppleganger. Culturally, what disturbs us about dopplegangers is the idea that they are better at being us than even we ourselves are. The idea that we can be removed, and replaced, and that we wouldn't be missed even by those who love us most is a universal fear, at the roots of which we find Waluigi. Fortunately, Waluigi has differently color coordinated clothing that makes him easy to identify as an imposter, so his attempts to destroy and replace Luigi have been mostly unsuccessful.
Clare: You wonder where they get some of these pieces, honestly.
Sara: All Pisces aren't dopplegangers, but all dopplegangers are Pisces. Also, we ship Wario and Waluigi. Aquarius and Pisces isn’t the easiest match, but I feel like they can make it work.
Clare: Look, if Tessa Thompson and Janelle Monae can make it work with their starcrossed star charts, then so can these nice, evil men.
Sara: I'm going to go ahead and say that Waluigi has the best facial hair in this whole godforsaken Mushroom Kingdom.
Clare: In a land full of mustaches, only Waluigi has the courage to go full Snidely Whiplash.
Sara: I respect it.
TOAD: ... LIKE... ALL THE SIGNS...
Clare: Who… who likes Toads?
Sara: Not even other Toads. I feel like Toads have different Zodiac signs than we do because they’re from outer space or another dimension or what have you.
Clare: True! Given that the primary forces in the Mushroom Kingdom are either Koopas or humans like Peach, where do these little annoying dudes come from?
Sara: Their Zodiac is probably just like 730 different kinds of mushroom and their signs change like twice a day or something equally as weird. Also, because they share a hive mind, every Toad is all of the Toads, so all of the Toads have the same birthday, no matter when they’re born.
Clare: My God, Toads are Wayoshis.
Sara: Also, when one Toad dies the others eat it.
Sara: Just kidding, I don’t know if that’s true. It’s also so weird that Toads can take the tops of their heads off in the cartoon.
Clare: Ughhhhhhh right? I mean, the cartoon didn’t get a lot of details right, but it’s kind of weird to miss the fact that when Super Mario says they’re Mushroom People, they’re literally Mushroom People.
Sara: All Toads ever have to say to anyone is “our Princess is in another castle this,” and “our princess is in another castle that.” I have eyes, Toad, I can see that my Princess is in another castle.
Clare: I’m even more mad about Toads taking up space in New Super Mario Bros. Wii now!
The views and opinions expressed in this article are the author's, and do not necessarily reflect those of SYFY WIRE, SYFY or NBC Universal.