In the beginning, there were alignments. Then there were Hogwarts Houses. And then there was BDE.
When it comes to judging your favorite characters, these are all very fine and worthy metrics, but isn’t it time we went back to the metrics that mattered? You know, the stars?
With their hands determinedly covering up the birthdates of your favorite characters, FANGRRLS Clare and Sara set out to assign star signs to all your faves, one franchise at a time.
In this super-sized edition, Clare and Sara have finished working out all the timelines in Avengers: Endgame.
Bruce Banner: Cancer
Clare: My dear, sweet Dr. Banner. Part of the reason that we’ve forgotten Ed Norton technically originated the Hulk in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (back when you could cut yourself on the edges of Ton's laser-razed facial hair) is because Mark Ruffalo’s affable, soulful befuddlement and pathos is just! So! Perfect! It truly captures the Cancerian core of the not-so-gentle Green Giant.
Sara: Everyone thinks Bruce is an Aries but honestly he’s way too passive aggressive with his anger. He’s more like a moody Cancer who blames everything he does on this monster. *whispers* The monster lives inside of YOU, Bruce.
Clare: Honestly, it really shows a lot of growth that he’s able to reconcile the two parts of his personality in Avengers: Endgame because it takes a lot of internal strength to give up such a convenient scapegoat. It’s like that Mulaney joke about being sober and having to just straight up admit that you’re mean instead of drunk. But with gamma radiation instead of tequila.
Sara: Let it be known that Bruce is a very mature and evolved Cancer, but still irrationally mad about very random things.
Clare: He’s still a sensitive fella. One of the best scenes in Thor: Ragnarok (which is, IMHO, a film composed only of the best scenes) is Bruce being understandably upset that all Thor seems interested in is the other guy!
Sara: And like most Cancers, his entire sense of game is to just hang out and be sad about a Capricorn who is more than willing to shove him off a ledge the first tense moment that pops up in their lives.
Clare: Bruce, buddy, you deserve better!
Sara: Frankly, Natasha can push me off a ledge any day.
Clare: First of all, I realize assigning possible serial killer Hawkeye any sign is an aggressive move, but I promise you that a) we are objective cosmic judges, look we even wear all black, and b) we will make this up to you.
Sara: I am not apologizing to a Sagittarius for an aggressive move, that is literally Sagittarius’ bread and butter. You reap what you sow, you incredibly weird centaur creatures.
Clare: You’re so bold!
Sara: Clint is definitely a Sag because he cannot handle authority figures. He also has a whole family that has to beg him to spend time with him. He also says completely inappropriate things fairly frequently. Did they write him like this on purpose? Are Sagittarius like this on purpose?
Clare: I mean, they have to be, otherwise the universe is just chaos.
Captain America: Aquarius
Sara: Well, here we are, another Aquarius in a leadership position willing to lead dozens of people to their dooms just to make a moral point. Who is also very handsome and charming.
Clare: Oh, Steve. You’re just so good, no matter your physical size and actual capacity to effect real and lasting change.
Sara: Your arc ends with you as an old guy because all Aquariuses are old even when they’re babies in a crib.
Clare: I was even on your side that time you almost tried to kill your coworker over your best bro because Tony was WRONG.
Sara: Tony Was Wrong is an article in and of itself. Or maybe a comic series that stretches over several decades, it’s called Iron Man.
Clare: Awwww, snap.
Wanda & Vision: Gemini & Virgo
Sara: Wanda is definitely a Gemini. Not just because we’re constantly getting the flip side, but because she is judgy as all hell but totally backs out of it if called on it. “No, that was Ultron.” No, girl, it was you. Meanwhile, Vision is methodical, practical, slightly soulless Virgo. Can it last?
Clare: Hahaha absolutely not! They are unified in their ability to kind of dodge their humanity: Wanda with her denial and Vision with the whole… being a robot designed by Tony Stark thing. This makes for a REALLY strong attachment, to the degree that Wanda refuses to take the most obvious measure to ensure the Snappening does not happen, but that kind of flame burns out fast. They were going to break up eventually, even if he hadn’t been brutally face crushed right in front of her. Honestly, the fact that they both died and only one of them came back is actually great timing.
Sara: Until WandaVision. If it’s anything like the comics they’ll move to a house in the suburbs and Vision will start dressing like a dad but Wanda will still just dress like the Scarlet Witch. Jogging, grocery shopping, running errands of any kind, all in full ScarWitch gear.
Sara: Falcon is under-characterized but very likable, just like Libras usually are.
Clare: But what characterization there is is amazing. One of my favorite things about Falcon in the Marvel Cinematic Universe is that he’s a caretaker. It’s no mistake that he’s introduced as someone who regularly counsels veterans and that Steve gravitates to that part of his personality.
Sara: Aquarius and Libra love hanging out and being charmers together.
Clare: SUCH CHARMERS. Every Sam and Steve scene in The Winter Soldier is a DELIGHT. And not charming in a smooth operator kind of way, in a genuine, grounded kind of way. Like a cool camp counselor who actually understands what you’re going through (if what you’re going through involves low-level superpowers and losing your best bro in top-secret combat).
Sara: Cap hands over his shield to Sam and Sam is like “lol, what, ME? Haha, oh, are you kidding? Haha. Oh, sure, I suppose I’ll be Captain America, I can’t believe it. Bucky, are you sure? Haha. Oh, dear.”
Clare: Bucky better be sure, because this is his life now.
Sara: Unleash the fanfiction.
Clare: Full disclosure: I recently watched Ant-Man and Ant-Man and the Wasp for the first time and I am 100% in love with Hope Van Dyne.
Clare: Much like fellow Virgo Padme Amidala, Hope is the most capable person in the room at all times, to the degree that her utter disdain when she is mansplained to can be felt like a physical blow. People can find her aloof, even though she’s radically upfront about what she’s going through. See Ant-Man, where Scott and Hank dither over her blatant hostility to Scott while she’s basically shouting “I SWEAR TO GOD THE ONLY REASON I’M NOT CAPING THIS INSTANT IS BECAUSE DAD IS HOGGING ALL THE PYM PARTICLES OTHERWISE WE’D BEING HAVING ORANGE SLICES RIGHT! NOW!”
Sara: I just...
Clare: Also, that bob definitely helped make her seem otherworldly. There’s a reason everybody loves sweaty ponytailed Hope, and not just because, again, I am 100% in love with her. It’s because it grounds her and allows all of us to see her as grounded.
Sara: *shuffles notes* I also think Hope is good.
Clare: I’m sorry, I just have a lot of feelings.
Sara: Don’t apologize for what I always knew to be true.
Clare: Where Virgos are detail-focused, Pisces are very… dreamy.
Sara: That’s one way to put it.
Clare: Scott does have a sense of justice (his origin story in the MCU is being a whistle blower) but it’s, uh, selective and underdeveloped. But the Ant-Man movies aren’t about justice, they’re about family! And science heists!
Sara: Scott definitely always does the right thing and means well regardless of how bonkers his life gets, and that is very Pisces. Also, he is a sensitive dreamer who is terrible at making plans.
Clare: I dunno, that wonderland he builds in his condo at the beginning of Ant-Man and the Wasp is a pretty excellent plan, until, of course, he kicks in a fence with his ankle monitor. Gasp! Maybe that… wasn’t a great plan.
Sara: It was not. Still, I admire him.
Clare: Pisces are also empathetic, and that’s clear from Scott’s easy breezy approach to life. Of course, it also helps that he has the charisma of a Paul Rudd.
Clare: Taurus is a Venus-ruled sign, so it kind of makes sense that most of the important people in T’Challa’s life are women: his ex (also the fact that T’Challa successfully stayed friends with his ex is a literal superpower), his mom, his sister, his mentor.
Sara: Tauruses almost always stay friends with their exes. Unless their exes are Aries or Scorpios, in which case, good luck staying friends.
Clare: He’s very serious, but in a chill, approachable way? Like there’s a reason the South Korea scene in Black Panther is technically one of the best Bond films: he’s cool. But not too cool, obviously, as the aforementioned women in his life roast him endlessly.
Sara: Tauruses need to be roasted. They’re too chill.
Clare: You gotta rile them up to get them going.
Sara: Inspire them to get out of bed, inspire them to leave the comfort of their home. T’Challa just wanted to stay in nice, warm, aesthetically-pleasing Wakanda, but injustice called and he picked up the phone. “Hello? This is T’Challa. King of Wakanda. I don’t care for any injustice on my beat.” And injustice was like, "Oh damn."
Clare: Injustice forgot that Wakanda has caller ID!
Clare: Shuri is effortlessly cool. She’s so cool, she’s the reason I got an undercut (this is a true, factual statement). She single-handedly invented athletic wear.
Sara: That’s true, that didn’t exist before her.
Clare: Definitely 100% not a thing before Shuri graced us with her existence.
Sara: Shuri shows us a less celebrated but most awesome side of Aquarius, which is their desire to rip on people incredibly hard for minor footwear-related infractions.
Clare: Shuri cares about lab safety and fashion, okay? She did not invent leisure wear and Wakandan super-tech for people to be sloppy and unsafe in her lab. But that doesn’t mean her heart isn’t in the right place; as much as she rags on Bucky and Bruce, she still wants to help so much. Honestly, Captain America and Shuri… have sympatico hearts.
Sara: They could hang out.
Captain Marvel: Sagittarius
Clare: Boom, there, I promised we would make it up to you.
Sara: I’m still not budging on this. Sag perpetually gets the best characters so they can deal with a stray Hawkeye every now and again. That’s you. That’s on y’all. Y’all are the ones out here doing Hawkeye stuff, not me. I’m not making you.
Clare: There’s a dark side to every moon, baby! There is an edge of “eff you” to the Sag, and seeing how that is essentially the driving theme of the motion picture Captain Marvel, it’s a natural fit.
Sara: It’s that and it’s also about having a really weird and kind of off-putting sense of humor, which is definitely a Sag trademark. Oh, right. And the authority figure thing. Where Sags hate authority and spend entire story arcs just telling authority figures off.
Clare: Also most Sagittarius women can, in fact, tear a spaceship in half with their bare hands. Ask one to demonstrate, they love that.