In the beginning, there were alignments. Then there were Hogwarts Houses. And then there was BDE.
When it comes to judging your favorite characters, these are all very fine and worthy metrics, but isn’t it time we went back to the metrics that mattered? You know, the stars?
With their hands determinedly covering up the birthdates of your favorite characters, FANGRRLS Clare and Sara set out to assign star signs to all your faves, one franchise at a time.
In this edition of Star Signs, Sara and Clare are taking the hobbits to Isengard.
Sara: First up, this dreamy little nerd.
Clare: Oh, Frodo, you wide-eyed, nine-fingered martyr. You could swim in this hobbit’s sad little peepers, so it’s probably not a surprise that Baggins the Younger is a Pisces.
Sara: All these terrible things happen and Frodo is like, “I should do something.” Step One: think about it for a while.
Clare: Step Two: Make a grand sweeping gesture. Step Three: ??? Step Four: Save the world. He has the noblest intentions! He just… doesn’t really have a plan? Like, it’s really great that Frodo decides to cut through the squabbling and other BS during the Council of Elrond by volunteering to take the Ring to Mordor, but he literally does not know the way. (East, buddy! EAST!)
Sara: He’ll figure it out.
Sara: Ah, two water signs making weird dreamy faces at each other for three movies straight. Sign me up.
Clare: Sam, at peace, may seem more like a Taurus, but his adventures show us that Sam has deep, deep emotional wells. He feels deeply and he’s not afraid to express it, be it by weeping or fighting or saving the world by strapping his number one bud to his back (wow why I am crying?). You could drown in those emotional wells, folks, and that’s how you can clock a Cancer.
Sara: They almost drown themselves in that emotional well. If it wasn’t for Gollum, they would have 100% died.
Clare: I mean, two water signs in a desert? Obviously, they needed help from a much stronger personality. Let’s be real, if it wasn’t for Gollum, they — and the rest of Middle-Earth — would have straight-up died.
Sara: Say what you will, Gollum did have a very can-do attitude.
Clare: Goll-um? More like Goll-Yes.
Sara: Love this guy’s look! This is an elf with a great attitude. I would hire him to work for my tech startup in a second.
Clare: Same but… do we know Legolas? What does he even think about? Does he even have any dreams and aspirations beyond arrows, fishtail braids, and road trips? Legolas is the lacrosse bro of high fantasy.
Sara: Libras like to anchor themselves in community projects, and what is The Lord of the Rings if not just a sprawling, complicated, extremely long community project? Libras also love to do poses for the camera all day long, and because that’s about 98% of our guy Legolas’ role in these movies, he’s pretty easy to identify as a Libra.
Clare: In the book, Legolas is mostly along for the ride to be the Ur-Elf, most beloved of Tolkien’s creations, showing off how cool Elves are. Which is pretty cool!
Sara: Damn your charm, Libra Elf.
Clare: There’s a great bit at the end of The Return of the King where the Fellowship visit Frodo as he’s convalescing from mangled hand and fire damage, and Frodo happily cries out everybody’s name, and Frodo 100% does not remember Legolas’ name. But he’s happy to see him!
Sara: Who wouldn’t be? He’s so handsome.
Clare: MY DUDE!
Sara: Yay! Love an Aries: The sign most likely to have their zodiac sign tattooed right on their neck.
Clare: To be more specific, Gimli is a cuspy Aries, towards the Taurus end. Much like Sam, Gimli might seem like a Taurus at rest (i.e., when he’s got enough beer, meat, and good company to choke a Balrog), but he just loves fighting so much.
Sara: Tauruses are pretty great at fighting too, but it’s not their most celebrated pastime like it usually is for Aries and Gimli.
Clare: Also? Aries and Libra: a match made in heaven. Or The Undying Lands, which is exactly where Gimli and Legolas swan off to together at the end of The Lord of the Rings.
Sara: I had a friend that used to describe Libras as Aries that went to charm school, and that is why Aries and Libra are the tender bros of the Zodiac. 35% of Libras would agree and 100% of Aries would agree.
Clare: We’re starting to get into characters who are different in the book and the movies, but luckily, even the more divisive character choices don’t make them stray too far from their stars.
Book!Aragorn is high, mighty, noble, and distant, while Movie!Aragorn is much more conflicted about taking up the throne of Gondor because he fears the weakness of men. Probably doesn’t help that his father-in-law/foster dad (don’t make me work out the lineage, you won’t like it) says stuff like “THE AGE OF MEN IS OVER” in his office ALL THE TIME. HE CAN HEAR YOU ELROND!!!
Sara: I relate to fearing the weakness of men and I relate to the age of men being over.
Clare: He puts the mission ahead of himself; I mean, when Frodo bails on the Fellowship, he tells Frodo he wishes he could have been with him to the end! But he understands why Frodo can’t and lets him make his own choices. Same with Arwen. This is why he’s king material.
Sara: This is one walking five o’clock shadow who knows how to compartmentalize his many conflicting feelings and focus on the subject at hand, which is why he’s obviously a Capricorn. He’s like, I’m in love and all, but I must prove my excellence on the battlefield first.
Clare: If you’re ever having drinks with me and want to not talk for at least 30 minutes, ask me about the differences between Éowyn in the books and Éowyn in the films! There a lot of them and I will expound on them at length. But surprise! I love Grim Shieldmaiden Éowyn and Luke Skywalker Éowyn equally.
Sara: She’s a complicated woman, by which I mean inconsistently characterized. Still, in the books or the movies, she is driven by A QUEST.
Clare: Éowyn’s sheer power and energy might lead you towards Sagittarius, but Éowyn lacks the “eff you and the fellbeast you rode in on!” energy of a Sag. She’s actually kind of quiet and secretive, due to the weird vibe in the Rohirrim court and her internal conflicts. In the books, the reveal that Éowyn is Dernhelm comes the second she whips her helmet off, which is at least a few days after she and Merry start bro-ing out on campaign. A Sag could never keep a secret like that!
Sara: Scorpios are all about a well-timed dramatic reveal, I will say that. They might save the day but they are not about to tell you they’re doing it. They’re going to be methodical and make sure that they have some really great lines before the whole thing comes to a close.
Clare: I mean, Movie!Éowyn has that whole speech from Return of the Jedi!
Clare: So, you know how in The Fellowship of the Ring, we get that great scene of Galadriel being tempted by the Ring and Witch-Queening out before realizing she is capable of resisting its power?
Sara: Yeah, I think about that all the time.
Clare: We all do. Well, the reason Galadriel is so worried about whether or not she can resist it is that, previously, she did not. Stand back, I’m about to try to explain a thing from The Silmarillion succinctly.
Sara: *rests chin on hands*
Clare: Back in the day, she participated in the Rebellion of the Noldor (a big elvish civil war) and left Valinor without permission from the gods. Tolkien’s really clear that she didn’t participate in the big war crime of the Rebellion, the Kinslaying, but like. This woman has definitely killed. She got better, obviously, but because of the whole civil war and defying the will of the Gods thing, she remained in exile in Middle-Earth. And she’s been worrying that she might be a monster this whole time.
Sara: Every Virgo’s dilemma.
Clare: Which explains her Virgoan traits: she’s very hard on herself and very detached from other people. This makes her both a good leader and also a very lonely figure; heck, most non-elves in her neighborhood think she’s a straight-up witch.
Sara: But! She is helpful and protective to the people she does deem worthy of her epic generosity, even if she does lowkey terrify them while she’s doing it. Virgo, Virgo, Virgo.
Sara: This weird old air sign.
Clare: Gandalf cares about people, but when it comes to expressing it, it’s… weird. It’s very, “Hey, you should put yourself out there, go on an adventure, I’ll help you get started… but I will bail for unfathomable reasons like five days in and not pay my half of the hotel bill.”
Sara: If you ever see them again, they will still not tell you why that happened, but they’ll probably tell you a totally different story and you will forgive them for their chaotic actions without even noticing it.
Clare: Also: Gandalf just knows the Lord of Horses, Shadowfax? Like, Shadowfax is an infamous untameable horse that the Rohirrim just put up with because they’re the Horse People, and then Gandalf rolls up to town and becomes best buds with Shadowfax in days and now has Shadowfax on speed dial. I dunno, feels like an Aquarius move to roll up and steal your horse.
Sara: It’s also a pretty Aquarius move to be like, “Hey, best friend” and just talk to someone while stealing their horse so they don’t notice it’s happening.
Clare: Now, this guy is a Taurus. As the ur-hobbit, Bilbo loves home comforts and despises chaos (please see the first half-hour of The Hobbit and then maybe hit pause and don’t finish it?). In Bilbo’s head, he thinks his life is 100% drama-free, or it would be if it wasn’t for other people, but all Tauruses are drama people. Just look at him throwing a big birthday party just to tell all of his neighbors to kiss his butt goodbye.
Sara: He’s surrounded by a bunch of tender buds and hitting his pipe, showing us that retirement for hobbits is indeed bitchin’. Also through the book, he just thinks about how he misses hot food and warm slippers, which anyone would miss while climbing a mountain but a Taurus would miss THE MOST.
Clare: Tauruses are chill, but there is a lot of drama that goes into being chill — just ask any woman trying to have it all.
Now, you might think an Aquarius like Gandalf might avoid Taurus drama, but Bilbo and Gandalf have found their perfect balance, i.e. they don’t hang out that much. Every few years Gandalf turns up like one of your dad’s friends from college, they smoke “pipeweed” out on the deck, and then they’re good for, like, a decade. That’s beautiful.