In the beginning, there were alignments. Then, there were Hogwarts Houses. And then there was BDE.
When it comes to judging your favorite characters, these are all very fine and worthy metrics, but isn’t it time we went back to the metrics that mattered? You know, the stars?
With their hands determinedly covering up the birthdates of your favorite characters, FANGRRLS Clare and Sara set out to assign star signs to all your faves, one franchise at a time.
Spoilers for the Star Wars films and Star Wars: The Clone Wars below.
Clare: Oh, Anakin, you terrible, awful mess. Why do I love you so much?
Sara: I don’t know why you do. I don’t hate Anakin, but he makes me sigh with the weariness of a thousand Yodas. I look at him and his young, impressionable haircut and I feel like I am Sisyphus and I will be pushing the emotional boulder known as Anakin uphill for the rest of eternity. What I’m saying is, I think he’s a Pisces.
Clare: You’re so right that he’s an emotional burden. Anakin clearly has an insecure attachment style, stemming from, oh, idk, being born into slavery, being torn away from his mom as a little kid, and then being told by the Jedi Order that his feelings don’t matter. This is why mental health care is important, kids! (But also your baggage does not excuse you for being an asshole!)
Sara: How many times do I have to tell you, you can’t kill younglings! It’s rude! I do think it’s actually kind of funny in a messed up way how the Jedi are like “look, you think you’re special from being stolen from your mom? That happens to literally every person in this franchise.”
Clare: Pisces can be people pleasers and devil’s advocates. One of my favorite things in Clone Wars is how they have to balance having Anakin being a likable good guy to root for and also the fact that one day he’s going to be a very bad dude. In the “Citadel” arc, Anakin meets Captain Tarkin and is basically like, “Hey, this guy has some good ideas!”
Sara: Aw! That’s probably the only time anyone ever said that to Captain Tarkin. That’s kind of sweet, only... not at all.
Clare: As much as I love the fact that Anakin identifies with droids (I am forever crying over “Thank the Maker,” even if it’s not canon anymore), he suffers from selective compassion. Anakin’s the kind of guy who answers anyone pointing out that Palpatine is a straight-up creep with “well, Palpatine’s always been nice to me!”
Sara: There are a lot of Pisces serial killers, is all I’m saying.
Clare: I mean, basically he panics so hard over the risk of Padmé dying in childbirth he murders the younglings.
Sara: He’s like, “this is a reasonable response.”
Clare: You’re not Hannibal, Anakin, calm the hell down.
Sara: What you are is a hot mess, Anakin.
Clare: The smol and mighty Padmé is almost a prototypical Virgo, having had her shenanigans sorted since a very young age. When all of us were suffering through space puberty (spuberty, if you will, and you absolutely should not), Padmé was already modeling Space Proactiv and well into a successful political career.
Sara: Like most Virgos, the more lucid and open she is, the more everyone around her is like, “who is she really, though?” She's like “I just told you” and they're like “such a mystery…”
Clare: Her understanding of politics and celebrity as theater is also very Virgoan, because it’s all attention to detail. Padmé’s bevy of elaborate gowns, makeup, and outfits are less about Padmé’s own aesthetics (compare the Amidala regalia to, as fellow FANGRRL Rebecca puts it, her Space Delia’s picnic outfit) and more about the narrative she’s controlling. When she wants to conceal her pregnancy, because the father is a little obvious, she just makes extremely voluminous gowns popular. While the scene showing Padmé founding the Rebellion was cut (for completely BS reasons) from Revenge of the Sith, it’s clear that Padmé is a leader, not a follower.
Until her heart gets the better of her.
Sara: She broke the rules. She fell in love. It was difficult, because she really loved rules. But she loved Hayden Christian Andersen even more.
COMPATIBILITY BREAK: PISCES/VIRGO
Sara: I like that Padmé has a secret wedding, because Virgos are low-key like that. I also think it’s funny that Anakin is like, “oh my god, you’re embarrassed to be seen with me, aren’t you?” and she’s like, “... no! Noooo.”
Clare: The great tragedy of Anakin and Padmé is that they’re almost compatible. From one angle, it’s romantic. And from so many other angles, it’s… not. They inflame each other’s insecurities by their devotion to their respective works. So much of the prequel trilogy would just be solved if Anakin left the Jedi Order; he could just marry Padmé and become a devoted father to his beloved children and make all my fanfic real!!!
Clone Wars yet again nails this discomfiting dynamic in the Die Hard riff “Hostage Crisis,” which opens with Anakin and Padmé having an argument over Padmé canceling their planned vacation for an important vote. Padmé can’t see why Anakin doesn’t understand that her job is important, because they’re in the middle of a gotdang war, she can’t just run off to go have sex with her secret husband whenever she feels like. Anakin feels hurt because he’s insecure and needs big gestures and this was supposed to be “their” time but, also, he 100% never communicated this effectively to her, because he's terrible.
And then he gives her his lightsaber as a sign of his fealty because he needs to be Maximum Drama about it.
I’d rag on him except hard same.
Sara: … Clare, I want to talk about the Jedi that buys children now.
Clare: MY DUDE!
QUI-GON JINN: LIBRA
Clare: We’ve seen a lot of new interest in Qui-Gon as the Original Gray Jedi, but what I love about Qui-Gon is that he is literally just the worst Jedi and nobody notices because he’s Liam Neeson.
Sara: Qui-Gon is a rebel, but in that Libra way where he just kind of charms everyone with his winning smile and winks at everyone and the Jedi counsel sighs dreamily, like “oh my god we loved you in Rob Roy,” and then they let him get away with whatever he wants.
Clare: What are the two most important things Jedi aren’t supposed to do? Own property and “fall in love.” What does he do immediately upon landing on Tatooine? Purchase a child slave via gambling and then mack on that kid’s mom.
Sara: If you're a Libra that's basically the same thing as falling in love.
Clare: He’s so tall and Irish that he seems trustworthy, even though, obviously, he is not. A trustworthy Jedi would have just rolled up their sleeves and taken a service industry job to earn enough money to buy the part for the ship; instead, he constructs an elaborate plan that involves spending the day at Space NASCAR in order to avoid work. And when he finally has to do some old-fashioned Jedi’ing? He’s so bad at his job that he dies—but not without passing the buck to his Padawan whomp whomp.
Sara: I feel like Qui-Gon is the kind of guy that casually gives people backrubs in the middle of normal everyday conversations.
Clare: Being raised/taught/bad influenced by Qui-Gon Jinn means that Obi-Wan has always felt like he has to be the responsible adult. Remember, for a lot of younger folks, their first introduction to Obi-Wan is as a fidgety goody-two-shoes padawan having a bad feeling about this while his master is like “it’s fine just eat your buffalo wings.”
I… might remember Jedi Party better than I remember The Phantom Menace.
Sara: No, I’m pretty sure they’re at a Buffalo Wild Wings in one of the scenes in The Phantom Menace, that’s canon.
Clare: Anyway, Obi-Wan seems great because Ewan McGregor is quite dashing and his Alec Guinness impression is impeccable, but Obi-Wan… is kind of a total nerd. This can mean only one thing: that boy’s a little crabby.
Sara: He’s a little baby Cancer! You can tell because at no point is he stoked about any part of anything that happens through any of these movies. From Revenge of the Sith to A New Hope, 10 years pass, 20 years pass, 30 years pass, Obi-Wan is holed up inside of his cave, not even a little bit worried about getting over it. “I bet Anakin is about to call,” he thinks, “I’d better wait here.”
Clare: Let’s just look at his relationship with Satine; he had this torrid near-romance with her and never tried again. After failing so badly as a Jedi Master that he couldn’t keep Anakin from, again, murdering all the younglings, he went into hiding to keep an eye on Luke, while other, more rational people like Kanan actually took padawans and did something about it. Obi-Wan may act like he’s the Responsible Dad, but really, he’s having every feeling and dragging everyone else into it with his dramatics.
Sara: The sinkhole of sad emotions that is a Cancer. I can’t believe he never even made a move on his crush and he’s still obsessed with her decades later—oh wait, yes I can. Also, yeah, it was pretty interesting to watch him see every single domino fall into place over the course of three movies and then be like “gasp!” when Anakin finally snaps.
Clare: I mean, look at that beard, what are you even trying to pull here, Benji?
GENERAL GRIEVOUS: SCORPIO
Sara: I think he’s cute.
Clare: This cutie will show you the meaning of extra. He’s, like, what, two eyes and three organs in a cybernetic chassis with a Russian accent and a permacold, and he’s still like “I HAVE FOUR LIGHTSABERS AND THE HIGHER GROUND KENOBI HACK HACK COUGH”. Also, in a universe of extremely on the nose names (pour one out for Elan Sleazebaggano), his name is literally Grievous.
And, according to Legends noncanon (it’s not canon but it’s not not canon until someone tells me it’s not), he named himself that! After his girlfriend gets murdered! And the Republic and Jedi side with the colonizing force trying to take over his home planet! So clearly he has to murder them right back!
Sara: Of course he named himself Grievous. Scorpios are all about changing their names to sound more sad. “Yes, I am killing you,” says the Scorpio, “but you made me sad, so this one is on you.”
Clare: Star Wars: a fantastical space adventure that is also full of sad boys murdering because of their feelings. (Cool motive, still murder, etc.) Also, after he died, his chassis eventually ended up in the private collection of someone strongly implied to be Admiral Thrawn. Which is a very extra way to have your remains handled. I know Thrawn: Alliances probably doesn't give a hoot about Grievous, but how great would it be to have Vader encounter Grievous’ gilded chassis in Thrawn’s chambers?
Sara: Being righteously motivated by tragedy to a revenge-fueled existence, having your brain placed into a body with multiple arms so you can swing around many lightsabers of your fallen foes, railing against the supposedly benevolent Jedi counsel for an old vendetta, being defeated by your enemies in battle, and having your remains placed in a museum as a postmodernist masterpiece is truly such a Scorpio thing to do. Besides, once a Scorpio feels wronged, that’s all she wrote! They’re not going to forget about stuff just because it wasn’t intentional or happened a while back. They’re gonna show up wielding the lightsabers of dead Jedis like it’s nothing, ready to rain down further sorrow like it’s also nothing.
Clare: Cough cough case closed.
Clare: I originally was thinking that Ahsoka would be a Taurus, but a fire sign, like yours truly, would have ditched the Order long before Ahsoka got framed for murder and hung out to dry. This can mean only one thing: everybody’s favorite Togruta is a Sagittarius.
One of my favorite things about Ahsoka is that she questions authority, but in a much more constructive way than Anakin (likely because Jedi training works best when you get started when they’re babies, not when they’re 10-year-olds riddled with separation anxiety). She thinks deeply about the mission of the Jedi and how her actions feed into that. She has a real, true North. She’s kind of like Anakin if Anakin wasn’t broken by the system.
Sara: Ahsoka is Clare’s “True North.”
Clare: SHE DUAL WIELDS LIGHTSABERS SARA SHE’S A LEGEND.
Sara: One thing that sells me on Ahsoka is when Anakin is a dismissive jerk to her, she’s a dismissive jerk right back. Sagittarius and Pisces are both pretty well known for their ability to fit brutal insults into casual conversations then keep going like nothing happened. Besides, Sagittariuses generally really enjoy proving people wrong, which Anakin needed more of in his life.
Sara: Also, she gets more likable as the series progresses, which is also what Sagittariuses do.
MACE WINDU: CAPRICORN
Clare: Like many characters played by Samuel L. Jackson, Mace Windu is mildly aware that he is Samuel L. Jackson.
Sara: “Say 'what' again, Palpatine!”
Clare: I mean, he keeps to himself, he’s good at his job (he would have just snapped Darth Maul in half!), super powerful, and does not play AT ALL. He sees through everything; he refuses to put Anakin on the Council because he was 100% over the Chosen One by the time Obi-Wan rolled up and was like “So Qui-Gon’s dead and his dying wish is for us to make a bad decision.”
Sara: Yeah! Snap Maul in half, Mace Windu! You’re the coolest! When he’s young, he’s super ambitious, and he becomes second only to Yoda on the Jedi Council, then later he uses that Capricorn pragmatism to completely cut through Anakin’s emo pleas to join them by being like, “you know, I am not quite for certain that you are not going to snap and kill all the younglings and cause an intergalactic rise in fascism next movie, so no.”
Clare: SMART MAN!
Sara: Feel the righteous burn of Capricorn rejection, Anakin! Lo and behold, Mace Windu was right, because Capricorns are always right when they feel like being right.
Sara: Mace Windu is my favorite Jedi because through all the prequels he’s the only one who makes sense. I also like him because secretly Yoda is his best best best friend, and I think it’s really cute. I also feel like it’s a very Capricorn thing to be the kid who is best friends with the teacher.
Clare: Awwww, Mace!
THE FETTS: AQUARIUS
Sara: I feel like… all the clones are… Aquariuses.
Clare: Because they were all literally born on a planet of water?
Sara: Yeah, Jango’s the water bearer that had to run and go get some water from the literal planet of water. The water that he is bringing to the world is himself, cloned. I feel like every Aquarius I’ve ever met would be completely down to be cloned thousands of times. It would pretty much be their dream. Also, I can see an Aquarius being like, “You need a perfect specimen? Here I am, cotton swab aliens. Let’s do this thing.”
Clare: Jango’s all like, “COME, LET YOU ADORE ME.”
Sara: Aquariuses can be really cold if they decide to cut someone out, which is what we see develop with Boba, who is just like, "The universe has wronged me, I miss my dad, now I’m going to feel justified reigning terror from a detached place both physically and metaphorically." On the other hand, if an Aquarius is given a thing that they can just unreservedly pin all of their hopes and dreams on, you’ll see their tender side emerge, like with Jango. Aquariuses that are into being parents are sold on it like, “You will be my weird little duplicate.” Jango was an Aquarius and then so is Boba and so are all the Stormtroopers, who seem comforted to be surrounded by hundreds of themselves. Every Stormtrooper is probably secretly convinced that they are the best one.
Clare: You know, Jango is posited as like a dangerous, bad dude, but I like him. He’s the only person who really cares about kids in Star Wars. AND THEN HE GETS BEHEADED.
Sara: I really feel like they’re sending some kind of a message with that.
The views and opinions expressed in this article are the authors' and do not necessarily reflect those of SYFY WIRE, SYFY or NBC Universal.