In the beginning, there were alignments. Then there were Hogwarts Houses. And then there was BDE.
When it comes to judging your favorite characters, these are all very fine and worthy metrics, but isn’t it time we went back to the metrics that mattered? You know, the stars?
With their hands determinedly covering up the birthdates of your favorite characters, FANGRRLS Clare and Sara set out to assign star signs to all your faves, one franchise at a time.
In this edition, cue the heavy metal guitar riffs: it's time for X-Men.
Clare: As we’ve discussed on a previous installment (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, true believers!), Cyclops is a Virgo.
Sara: I have many facts to back this up. Cyclops is a misunderstood genius, has a tentative concept of the meaning of the word “fun,” and takes all things so incredibly seriously that if you crack a joke he’ll probably lowkey dislike you for the rest of your natural life — maybe even after you come back from the dead multiple times.
Clare: Scott just thinks so deeply about everything all the time!!! You know that episode of How I Met Your Mother where Lily asks Marshall if he ever fantasizes about other people as, like, a fun, sexy thing? And Marshall wants to be game and participate but he reveals he literally has to fantasize about Lily dying and processing his grief before he’s ready to date again before he can even think begin to think about another woman? That’s Scott. And, quite frankly, that’s who you want in charge: the dude who sees every single step of the journey.
Jean Grey: Gemini
Clare: First, some ground rules with Jean: the Phoenix did not come to play. Literally, we have excluded the Phoenix Force from consideration with Jean because hasn’t she already been through enough? Also, I’m pretty sure it eats Scott at the end of X3 and this ain’t the Hannibal installment, buddy, no cannibals in the pool.
Sara: I can’t get into that because my feelings on X3 are literally thousands of words long in a way that is kind of embarrassing, but it does check out that Jean and Phoenix are emphatically not the same guy. Meanwhile, Jean is fascinating in and of herself, and her proactiveness combined with her sharp intelligence and temper give us the perfect example of a true Gemini.
Clare: Obviously, Jean is a difficult needle to thread; there’s been a lot of demands on Lady Grey over the years, both by other characters and writers who… maybe… don’t know how to write her?
Sara: This is typical of Geminis, who people absolutely do not know how to deal with. I would like to add that I believe that Jean is a Gemini with a Libra in her chart due to her desire for peace and justice and the fact that her looks are 90% of the time extremely on point (exceptions including the pastel nightmare of the Animated Series).
Clare: I don’t know, I’m really into face guards you can shoot your psychic energy through. Stylish and functional — the ultimate duality.
Sara: The face guard is attached to a head sock which is attached to a ponytail which is attached to a pastel nightmare. I said what I said.
Clare: Gemini captures Jean’s struggles to find her identity and role on the team (which is, incidentally, why people insist on going back to the Dark Phoenix well despite that well boasting no survivors). But it also offers the possibility that perhaps Jean is just… adaptable. Behold, the duality of Gemini: maybe what some would fault Jean for is, in fact, her greatest strength.
Sara: Her greatest strength is probably telekinesis but duality is her second greatest.
Clare: The one moment I have not gotten over in decades is Wolverine in the Animated Series pilot cutting Scott’s car in half just to be a jerk and grunting, “Tell Scott I made him a convertible.” It is such a magnificent jerk move that I quote it to myself all the time while refraining from making jerk moves.
Sara: Wolverine has a whole history of just nonstop moody jerk moves. He’s a severely aggro Cancer, but those definitely exist. Also, Cancers love calling out logic and pining after unattainable dates, so, I mean. Pretty much Logan’s M.O.
Clare: Ugh, right? And like many Cancers, Wolverine believes everyone else is the problem. However, since he is functionally immortal, he is technically right.
Sara: Yet, there is a tender side to Wolverine. He believes in being good to the next generation of mutants, and he’s a romantic deep down, as seen with his relationships with Silver Fox, Jean Grey, Mariko Yashida, Carol Danvers, Typhoid Mary (?!), Ororo Munroe, Mystique, Domino, Lady Deathstrike, the supervillain known as Viper who is lowkey a Nazi —
Clare: BAD LOGAN!
Sara: Yukio, Rose O’Hara, a woman named Maureen, Gahck who he impregnated in the Savage Land which is basically Marvel’s Vegas in that whatever happens in the Savage Land stays in the Savage Land, Atsuko, Charlamagne, and Hercules. And...
Clare: Sara, why do my notes say, “Nightcrawler is 100% best makeout friends with Wolverine”? Is it because we are great reporters who only deliver the freshest, hottest truths?
Sara: Probably because they are both water signs and they love flirting with each other and going off together in the woods to do “guy stuff.”
Clare: Chopping wood in the rain, practicing swordfighting, and having really intense emotional conversations — y’know, “guy stuff.” Ah, Nightcrawler. Man of swashbuckling mystery and charisma so unrelenting you barely even notice he has ten fingers and toes. I have the first issue of the miniseries where he goes off to be a pirate and just having it in the room elevates my entire space.
Sara: Also he’s a true romantic and a dreamer to boot, which is probably how he managed to hook up with Rachel Summers despite that matchup having literally zero charisma, and also how he was able to date his adopted sister for years and be okay with it.
Clare: Oh my God, is Nightcrawler the Lord Byron of X-Men? Just so romantic and dreamy that we let him get away with absolutely anything?
Sara: I’m not sure that you’re describing Lord Byron right there, but it does sound like Kurt Wagner.
Clare: Storm: the woman, the goddess, the mystery.
Sara: Storm is a tough character to pinpoint. She’s highly theatrical with her powers, but personally quite subdued; she’s dependable, but also might just head to the other side of the planet to make out with her boo for a few months or even just lowkey become the QUEEN OF WAKANDA all of a sudden.
Clare: Storm’s like, “Oh, a demotion… well, if it is FOR LOVE SO BE IT.”
Sara: She is an enigma, and that is part of why we love Storm. But also because she will defend her beliefs to the death and throw her middle fingers in the air at anyone that tries to tie her down, and all of this pretty much screams “Sagittarius.”
Clare: 100%. Storm has a lot of facets to her, but the reason it never feels like she’s fickle or constantly reinventing herself is that those facets are all tied together by her unshakeable Sagittarius foundation. I mean, remember that time she, with only the power of punk (having lost her powers), defeated Scott in hand-to-hand combat to lead the X-Men? That’s confidence and security to a degree we previously thought unimaginable.
Sara: Psylocke is a problematic fave, like many Capricorns. Well before going through the Siege Perilous, this is a woman who was modifying her body in an attempt to become better, stronger, faster. This is a character who got brainwashed and refitted with some cybernetic eyeballs and nobody on her team noticed because they were like, she acts exactly the same as before.
Clare: To be fair, how would you even clock that? Would she stop blinking or something? Oh my God, what if you get cybernetic eyeballs and they don’t BLINK because they don’t have to?
Sara: … Yes. Also, Psylocke isn’t defined by the men in her life despite being paired with notorious pretty boy and narcissist Warren Worthington The Third. He’s like, "Let’s make our relationship official after dating for years," and she’s like, "You know, I could take it or leave it." Yet, when he got himself into trouble, she didn’t hesitate to throw him over her shoulders and carry him to safety.
Clare: It’s on her terms, which is honestly pretty great.
Sara: Jubilee — also a Gemini, and in fact the X-Men are very much a team of Gemini in some respects. Even characters that aren’t Geminis are down with that dual personality.
Clare: “Protecting a world that fears and hates them” is, I believe, the official motto of Gemini.
Sara: Jubilee is both a fun-loving mallrat and a serious, you know, vampire.
Sara: Geminis love slang, puns, double-entendres, and plays-on-words in the same way most people love their own parents. Jubilee talks at the rate of several hundreds of words per minute, and her way of becoming best friends with the X-Men was just to lowkey move into their attic without telling anyone because she thought they looked cool.
Clare: Jubilee is that person who starts as a plus one at a party and ends up moving into your house; you’re not sure of the exact timeline, but there’s definitely your life before Jubilee and your life after Jubilee.
Sara: I’m not saying Gemini’s are insensitive *looks directly into camera* but there is that amazing scene in TAS where Jubilee wrecks that guy’s pinball machine and he’s like, “do you know how much that game cost?” and she flips her shades down and takes a sip of her soda like, “Yeah, A QUARTER.” The most Gemini response possible.
Kitty Pryde: Taurus
Clare: One time at FlameCon, I watched illustrator and cartoonist Max Wittert present a costume redesign for Kitty Pryde that was quite possibly the most genius and literal take for her — as in, she was in a rainbow kitty outfit. When pressed about the practicality of platform boots and kitty ears, Wittert replied, “Uh, she can walk through walls, she can wear whatever she wants.” This is both a.) one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen and b.) captures the stubborn, unstoppable nature of Kitty’s heart.
Sara: Making Kitty Pryde dress in toned-down regular person clothes is bisexual erasure. Also, Tauruses are famous for pulling off looks other signs would not touch with a ten-foot pole.
Clare: One of the absolute most iconic Kitty moments is her discovering an alien machine that allows her to design and execute costumes on the spot: a life-size Barbie Fashion Designer, if you will. In the space of seconds, she goes from prom to Darth Vader. Name a more bisexual fashion moment; it takes a Taurus to pull that off.
Emma Frost: Scorpio
Sara: Well, if it isn’t Emma Frost, the most Scorpio Scorpio that ever Scorpio’ed.
Clare: Emma Frost is the kind of Scorpio that makes you go… could I pull off being a Scorpio? Fun fact: my Pluto is in Scorpio and my astrology app says that’s why I’m goth. It’s just... such a powerful vibe, and Emma is already so powerful, so she’s generating a lot of cosmic gravitational pull here, despite knowing that she is Emma Frost.
Sara: Emma and Jean’s whole relationship is the Gemini/Scorpio “feud that resembles flirting vibe.” Also, Scorpios usually love Virgos because they share the joyous trait of deep, unrelenting judgment of others.
Clare: THIS IS SO TRUE, I’M SCREAMING. Scott spends so much time thinking deeply about how to be a better person because people suck so much, and Emma’s just like, “What if we chucked frappuccinos at oncoming traffic and talked smack about everyone we know?” THAT’S THE REAL SEDUCTION, FOLKS.
Sara: Meanwhile Jean is like, “I’m just a big ol’ brain floating around in space.” That’s… sexy in its own way.
Clare: Jean just gets the transhumanist dilemma that tortures us all, you know?