hero

The strange loves of Dracula

Contributed by
Oct 3, 2018

Dracula has been portrayed in dozens of ways, in hundreds of different stories, and there is no shortage of interpretations. No matter who you are, there is a Dracula for you, be it Marvel Comics Dracula, Dracula in 3D, campy Hammer Horror Dracula, art house Dracula, and even child-friendly made-for-TV Dracula. This is one character with many, many faces.

Too bad a lot of those faces belong to a total creep. Dracula in his many incarnations has had countless love affairs, most of them of questionable consent. For instance, a lot of people call Mina Harker Dracula’s true love, but that entire idea comes from the movies and not the novel, in which Dracula is a creepy parasite and Mina is disgusted by him except for a moment of pity she experiences at the end of the book. This is definitely the guy that murdered her best friend, so although it is usually played as a love story, movies like Vampyros Lesbos that call Dracula out are the most direct adaptations of the original premise.

Still, some interpretations of the King of the Vampires have been a bit kinder than others, and some of his relationships have been genuinely entertaining. Brushing aside that creep Dracula in favor of his very rad girlfriends, these are some of the strange loves of Dracula.

fangrrls_rightrail_burst
Top stories
fangrrls_rightrail_burst
Top stories
storm

Storm

Storm has undergone a heck of a lot of character growth since her first appearance. In her early days with the X-Men, she had much to learn about herself and the world, including mostly how to not get bitten by vampires all the time. That lesson came from the time she got bitten by a vampire, who of course turned out to be Dracula.

In the Mutant X alternate universe, we see an Ororo who was turned fully into a vampire and went by Bloodstorm. What I’m saying is that Storm got even more metal than she was that time she went to Asgard, and I never would have believed that possible. In this continuity, when Kitty Pryde put her life in Storm’s hands, saying “if you want my life, take it,” Storm just went, “OK,” and turned her into a vampire, too, keeping Kitty and Forge onhand as enthralled minions, which is cold even for a vampire. Even more awesome, Dracula comes after Storm and she just offs him. Straight up kills him. No more Vlad. It is amazing. Dracula is fine, but let's face it, Storm is out of his league.

china

China Webster

A masterpiece of horror, a tale of tragedy, and a triumph for the ages. Of course, I’m talking about 1988's Waxwork, a movie in which Dracula is not even close to being the most interesting character. The premise is that a few teenagers go to a wax museum where all the horror-themed displays come to life. It is rad, but most rad of all is China Webster, who openly makes fun of the film's protagonist for having a crush on her in her first moments onscreen and kills vampires like it's her job.

China Webster is the greatest character because she smokes cigarettes and has sex and when her friends invite her to go to a wax museum, she has to time it in between dates. China’s hobbies appear to be doing what she wants and learning cool new ways to tell everyone off, so she totally ignores all warning signs to leave the museum. She might not be fated for a long life, but she will live forever in the hearts of audiences everywhere. All the characters in Waxwork have exciting monsters all their very own somehow specifically tailored to fit their personalities, so China’s horror story is, of course, vampires. Dracula feeds her raw meat covered in blood and yet China is still 1000-percent down to make out with him. China is here for it.

Well, it turns out there’s a lot of horrifying stuff happening in this guy’s castle (as usual), and China ends up having to fight her way through many other vampires. She does it, but wouldn’t you know it, Dracula is still sexy, so China still has to make out with him, at which time he bites her. What did you expect? Of course he bites her. She’s pretty into it, though. Although she was mighty, China’s desire to make out was the end of her (girl, SAME).

deadpool

Shiklah

Very few superheroes or supervillains share an ex with Deadpool, but our pal Dracula happens to be one of them. Dracula and Deadpool met when Dracula hired DP to retrieve his future wife, the mysterious Shiklah. It turned out Shiklah and her family had ruled over the monster world well before humans came along. Vampires tried to overthrow them, which led to Shiklah entombed. Dracula sought to wed her to bring together the warring monster factions, and Deadpool, the worst person possible, was chosen for the job.

Shiklah claimed to have feelings for Wade, but he pushed her away due to fears left over from his past relationships, none of which were directly connected to the fact that she was basically the princess of evil and had just spent some time in a tomb awaiting a cursed reawakening at which time she would inevitably wreak havoc upon the waking world. Regardless, Deadpool eventually gave in, mostly because he has the willpower of a slinky. The two of them were wed in a ceremony officiated by the X-Men’s Nightcrawler. This is really a testament to how hard Nightcrawler believes in the chill zone, because he’s definitely a diehard Catholic that officiated the wedding of an actual demon. Kurt, you are too cool.

Shiklah grows bored with Wade when he starts hanging out with Spider-Man more regularly. His face heals, and she is disappointed by that, so Wade, being Wade, just casually disfigures himself again to appease her. Yikes indeed, true believer. It doesn’t really help her lack of interest in him, and Wade comes home to find her in bed with Werewolf By Night, which, as burns go, is pretty high up there. There’s a huge brawl, but Shiklah eventually marries Dracula and despite the apparent bigamy of this decision everyone just decides its best to leave it as it lays. Excelsior!

hotel

Ericka Van Helsing

The granddaughter of the monster hunter Van Helsing, Ericka takes it on herself to board a luxury cruise for monsters with the express intent to murder Dracula. I like her already, but unfortunately, the Dracula of the Hotel Transylvania franchise is just a well-meaning dope, thus not particularly deserving of being staked (even if he is voiced by Adam Sandler).

Ericka is set on murdering Dracula, and when he asks her on a date, she agrees, then tries to force feed him garlic. Nonetheless, this Dracula is a gentleman, and the two of them begin to bond over their equally tender feelings about their respective families. Later, Ericka attempts to retrieve an artifact with which she can destroy all the monsters, and Dracula saves her multiple times from the death traps she throws herself into.

Of all Dracula’s many loves, Ericka holds the honor of being the most dedicated to murdering him, which is kind of interesting because Hotel Transylvania 3 is definitely a family movie. Although she does end up married to Dracula (as have so many women before her), her persistent attempts at destroying him and all his kind make her truly one of Dracula’s strangest love interests.

vicki.JPG

Vicki Vale

Vicki Vale, Batman’s sometimes girlfriend, is known as a professional photographer once played by Kim Basinger in Batman but is generally less known as Dracula’s weird love interest. Yet, in the magical world of fiction, there is indeed a story where she not only met Dracula but also got kidnapped by him and almost became his dead ex-wife. Allow me to explain.

In the animated film The Batman vs. Dracula, the Penguin low-key awakens Dracula from his slumber and ever so slightly unleashes his murderous fury upon Gotham. For the purposes of this story, The Penguin more or less becomes his Renfield and shows Dracula around town, which is absolutely not a thing you should do. At a party, the vampire is enchanted by Vicki Vale, who pays about as much attention to him as she pays to anything that isn’t Batman, i.e., none.

Well, if we know anything about Dracula it’s that he has no chill, so he decides that instead of asking Vicki Vale to dinner and a movie instead he’ll just kidnap her and use her soul to reanimate the ashes of his dead wife, which is rude because he acted like he really liked Vicki but it turned out he was just hung up on his ex the whole time. The Batman shows up and punches him many times for his tomfoolery, and Dracula was never to be seen or heard from again. Just kidding, he’s really all over the place.

bite

Cindy Sondheim

In case you forgot George Hamilton played Dracula one time, we’re here to remind you. In the late ‘70s, Love At First Bite gave us existential, therapy-seeking, depressed New Yorker Dracula. It wasn’t as cool as it sounds.

His love interest in this film is Cindy Sondheim, a somewhat vapid model that Dracula believes to be the reincarnation of his first love, but this is a guy who says that about literally every woman he has ever has a crush on, so take it with a grain of salt. Cindy’s therapist and boyfriend (yipes) just so happens to be a descendent of Van Helsing, so he spends a lot of time trying to murder George Hamilton.

The romance between Cindy and Dracula escalates pretty quickly, and as they attempt to flee the US, she agrees to be his vampire bride. When her ex Van Helsing nearly stakes them, they turn into vampire bats and flee the country. It remains unclear what benefit there is to this scenario for Cindy, but darn it, they seem happy, and that’s good enough for me. In the words of Van Helsing, “She has become a responsible person… or whatever.”

Make Your Inbox Important

Like Comic-Con. Except every week in your inbox.

Sign-up breaker
Sign out: