jennifers-body

The thirstiest characters in horror

Contributed by
Oct 25, 2018

It's a horror trope as old as time: have sex, get killed. And, yet, for some of our horror movie heroes, the thirst is just too powerful. Honestly, we get it.

While there are certainly far more serious conversations to be had about the death-as-punishment-for-sex notion, particularly when it comes to teen girls and women in these films and their agency as characters and purported human beings, right now we just kind of want to celebrate them for their commitment to the lust game. 

With that, we rounded up nine horror movie characters whose thirst game was so strong it was downright lethal. These characters would rather bang than live. And what a way to go.

bacon-friday

Jack (Kevin Bacon), Friday the 13th

The level of horniness required to not notice someone in the bunk bed above you, let alone the dead someone in the bunk bed above you — well, it's a level of thirst you can feel in your throat. Like an arrow. Get it? lol horny teen death.

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Jennifer (Megan Fox), Jennifer's Body

She is a bit more interested in the actual killing of and feasting upon her victims rather than the presumably equally fun part leading up to it, but you can't blame a girl for having her cake and eating it, too.

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Jeff and Marcy (Joey Kern and Cerina Vincent), Cabin Fever

These two aren't in the titular fevered cabin more than 30 seconds before they're going at it, undeterred by their terrible assh*le friend, equally terrible nice guy friend, and bland blonde friend. Marcy pulls out ahead though, not just for her ability to flip her man over and give him the old what-for, but for not letting a few dead friends and a lethal flesh-eating disease stop her from getting it on with Shawn Hunter from Boy Meets World. Girl, we get it.

halloween

Lynda Van Der Klok (PJ Soles), Halloween

When a silent hulking monster in a sheet, seemingly significantly taller than your boyfriend, appears and your response is to drop your sheet and show him your Riff Randells, that makes you a thirst icon.

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Nurse Karen (Pamela Susan Shoop), Halloween 2

To not even make it through a work day — one fairly heavy on the murder — without a trip to the hospital hot tub for a late night delight, then to lick the glove of a man you think is your lover (what is with all these women just assuming this silent looming dude is their slightly less murdery boyfriends?), you, my dear, are burning up. Of pants and face. Mostly of face. 

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Jules Louden (Anna Hutchison), Cabin in the Woods

So sure, this is a drug-induced thirst caused by a shadowy organization for the purposes of demonic sacrifice, but you can't argue with these thirsty moves.

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The Cabin in the Woods facility employees

WE SAW YOU TRYING TO PEEP THEM TITTIES, PERVS.

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Frank Cotton (Sean Chapman), Hellraiser

I mean, if your horniness doesn't open up a hell dimension and rip your skin off are you really even horny?

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