Hi, friend. Has this week felt more like ten years than seven days? Well, the good news is IT'S OVER. And, even better news, after a decade of build-up, there's this movie that came out that stars a bunch of very attractive people in tight-fitting outfits. If you like that sort of thing, read on. If not? Well, read on anyway.
Here they are... the 5 biggest stories from THE WEEK IN GEEK!
In "HBO has to keep your subscription until Game of Thrones returns in 2019" news, Westworld has finally returned for its second season after a year off.
It was pretty good!
The robots are in revolt, people took their clothes off as they do, there's still more cranium maze, and Jonathan Nolan (along with Lisa Joy) did as those Nolan boys do and made you wonder, "is there genuinely any real timeline whatsoever for this story?"
Anyway, there's gonna be samurai this season. Not yet, but soon.
AVENGERS DONE INFINITY WAR'D
Might as well get the big one I can't really talk about out of the way. After many, many movies including two Avengers films (one that's pretty good, the other that killed Quicksilver), the story we were apparently always headed towards has arrived by half and stars a big, purple guy who wears one glove, kinda like Michael Jackson. Woot.
And if I were to say anything about Avengers: Infinity War, it would be this: it is only the first half of a story that is effectively a season finale ten years in the making. So if you wind up feeling dissatisfied, I would ask, "Is there literally anything that Marvel could have done with the first half of an event story this big that would've satisfied you?"
People are so worried about spoilers. Well, here's a spoiler for you that I think actually helps everyone: if you bring a sweet, baby child to a darkened theater full of strange, unfamiliar, and VERY LOUD noises, they will cry. And if the movie you brought that literal infant to happens to be the opening weekend for a story people have been waiting a full ten years to see? It gon' get real ugly. So maybe don't do that.
Oh, also, Infinity War is probably going to bust past $200 million in its opening weekend and maybe also break a few records, if that's something that excites you. With a wider release and bigger budget than any other Marvel movie ever, it had better.
ALLISON MACK MAKES CHLOE SULLIVAN'S WALL OF WEIRD
If you're a nerd in the know, this isn't brand new news, but Allison Mack, who most people remember as Chloe Sullivan on Smallville, has a deep, dark secret. And, no, it's not one of those "I prefer white chocolate to dark" kind of secrets. That would be terrible!
No, she just helped run a sex cult for years.
Okay. That sounds bad. Would it help if I told you that, despite her best efforts, she couldn't get Emma Watson to join said sex cult via tweet? But she did, maybe, sorta kinda marry Battlestar Galactica's Nikki Clyne, allegedly to protect her from deportation (but also to keep her in a sex cult)?
I feel like I'm not helping Mack's case somehow. It's probably because she and her boyfriend, Keith Raniere, who co-ran NXIVM, allegedly branded their literal sex slaves with their initials against their wills (which is a given in a slavery situation). I guess that just doesn't engender a lot of good will or desire in me to throw Chloe Sullivan a bone? Sorry, Chlo.
Anyway, the reason this is news now is because Mack was finally brought in on charges (and had to pony up $5 million in bond to be released). If found guilty, that's a minimum of 15 years in jail and a maximum of, you know, FOREVER. And, if that makes you feel blue because you really liked Chloe Sullivan, here's some thoughts on how to cope.
The moral, apparently, some people need is, "Don't force people to be slaves in your sex cult." Just glad I could help.
STAR TREK 4 GETS A DIRECTOR
In news that's actually really great, Variety reported that director, S.J. Clarkson, has been tapped to direct the fourth Star Trek movie. It's not a done deal officially, but... it's a done deal insofar as Hollywood stuff like this goes.
This is exciting for a few reasons. For one: hey, they're still making Star Trek movies! Hooray! With a new show on TV (kinda), and Star Trek Beyond doing... not great at the box office, there weren't any real guarantees that Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, et al would still be Star Trekkin' across the universe.
Another exciting thing is that, apparently, Chris Hemsworth (who played Kirk's father, George, in the 2009 Star Trek movie) will be returning. What? How? What? Three excellent questions. I'm sure we'll find out. But everyone (who matters) loves Chris Hemsworth, so call it a win.
But, of course, the real excitement is over Clarkson herself — the first woman to ever direct a Star Trek movie. For a franchise that's often at least supposed to be about how great and utopian humanity's future can be, a woman's absence from the director's chair for over 50 years was not a good look. Who knew the transporter had a glass ceiling? Not anymore!
NEVERTHELESS, STAR WARS RESISTED
Star Wars Rebels may be over, but this week we got official word that the animated adventures within the Star Wars Universe will, unsurprisingly, probably never end.
Dave Filoni, producer for both Clone Wars and Rebels, will next be spear-heading a series called Star Wars Resistance, which is set just pre-Force Awakens. This is the first animated series to be set during that part of the Star Wars timeline.
As is often the case, this new anime-inspired series will star a brand new character, Kazuda Xiono, a pilot recruited by General Organa for a top secret mission to spy on The First Order.
She won't be alone, though. BB-8, Poe Dameron, and Captain Phasma will all appear in the series, with both Oscar Isaac and Gwendoline Christie returning to voice their characters.
This is a World War II-inspired series with a focus on pilots. That's pretty exciting. And, look, I think we all know that some of the richest parts of the Star Wars tapestry at this point come from the animated world, so Resistance is definitely worthy of some pre-emptive celebration.
And that's it! You did it! Week over! Go take a nap before you see Infinity War again. Or rewatch Star Trek Beyond. It was actually pretty great (I think). Do whatever! Just don't start or join any sex cults, thanks.